Sep 28, 2007

Emotional week ..

It’s been an emotional and yet good week for me. Things have progressed, I’m feeling fairly upbeat about where my head it as. Physically I have been sick for several days with a pretty nasty cough that has been keeping me awake at night.

Monday was a huge turning point for me in regards to my appearance. It was also quite emotional due to the fact I got my first real girlish haircut and had my eyebrows shaped. My daughter in an effort to make me feel better a few weeks before sent me a message asking me not to be mad at her. She had taken her friend to my blog to show her what I looked like and see what she thought. Her friend is a hairstylist and after some talking we decided to have her see if she could work her magic on me.

Monday after work with a lot of nervousness in hand had me driving over to Jessica’s house for the big change. The plan was for me to get there a bit early and shower as I would just be getting out of work. Her friend not only did a really nice job on my hair and brows but she really went out of her way to make me feel at ease and comfortable with everything that was going on. As we met face to face her very first words were simply "Don’t worry we’ll make you look great"

After she was done with the cut she asked me to go in the bathroom and look at what she had done. It took everything I had to not shed a tear when I looked in the mirror, it was totally awesome and an overwhelming emotional experience that I will never forget.
Next up were my thick and bushy eyebrows. She had me lay back on a pillow and asked me "Do you want me to just clean them or shape them?" I don’t know what came over me at that moment, I really don’t think I had control of the words leaving my mouth but I do remember saying "You can shape them"

While I understand it shouldn’t be a big deal, after all this was the planned direction I had been heading anyway. The silly thing is that as I looked in the mirror and saw a defined arch to my "thinned" brow line my first thought wasn’t how nice it looked, it was omg people will really notice this change.

I know change shouldn’t be an issue, this is what transition is totally centered around. But in some crazy way we move forward in a manner of flying under everybody’s radar until we are ready to be full time in our rightful gender. This way the people who know me may or may not notice my changes, but I won’t have an awkward feeling as they happen having to explain everything I go or even why they are happening.

The next big pop would be for my counseling session Wed. I went through an adolescent bitch fest with my wife getting ready for my appointment. I want to look good and was totally frustrated with how things were coming out. I swear nothing is ever good enough for me when it comes to this. I constantly question the physical changes to my appearance in how other people view me. Because of this I have a huge fear of walking out of the house not only looking wrong, but looking like I am trying to hard. IE Drag Queen syndrome!

When the session before mine got out and Anne approached us to bring us in for mine she as usual appeared happy with the changes in my appearance. While I feel awkward about how I look, Anne not only always assures me that I look natural, she sometimes acts like I am her star pupil that she is proud of. As the conversation twisted through recent events Anne asked me to hold my thoughts, darted out of the room and re-emerged with the current Tapestry Magazine that has my dear friend Annah on the cover.

For those who might be unaware Tapestry is a Transgendered driven Magazine that caters to the community. Recently my friend Annah Moore made the cover and has several pages of pictures and interviews inside. It was the first time I’d seen it and I have to say I was impressed with the layout they gave her.

"Is this the Annah you know?" Anne asked me and I told her that it was my dear sister Annah. Then I would get what I felt was the nicest compliment to date regarding not only my transition but my appearance. Anne told me she saw a lot of similarities in Annahs appearance to mine. She also told me she felt that I looked as good as Annah to which I was amazed.

I’ve been friends with Annah now for several years and I have not only admired how proud she shows what she had conquered but how naturally beautiful she was. To this day I still don’t consider myself to be in line with how nice Annah looks but I sure as hell am happy to be put in line with someone I’ve admired so dearly these past few years.

Lastly the conversation of going full time has arisen and I’m seriously thinking that maybe it is time to set a date and stick to it. In a phone conversation with Annah this past Sunday I told her I thought it would be the best idea and she agreed. When I told her that I needed to find a way to be accountable to the date she told me exactly how to hold myself accountable … Set a name change appointment with the courts! This was discussed with Anne and some ideas were thrown around about when, how etc, it is definitely nerve-wracking to even think about that.

Upon researching this through the NH govt website and looking at the form one particular line jumped out at me on the change. "Middle name" I couldn’t believe it had never struck me before but I had never thought about a middle name or if I even should have one. I’ve always tended to use my middle name on official papers to identify anything legal as me without doubt.
When I chose to use the name Karyn there was nothing special about it. It was a natural jump from Kevin and I’d always liked the name Karen. I just wanted it to be slightly different but what the hell could I replace Robert with? The most logical jump is Roberta, but to me that sounds like a Tranny name and well .. I’m just not having that.

After thinking about it I got the bright idea that this was something special that I should share with my daughter an have her help me, this way she was at least a part of my process and we would have something special for years to come. When I asked Jess what she thought she seemed pretty happy to be included, so much so that she asked if I would take her middle name (Ann). I thought it was sweet that she wanted to have that bond and this was something that could be special between us so I’ve agreed. I liked the flow of it when Diane and I named her so many years ago and now adding it to my name creates not only the same flow, but also a deeper connection to someone I love very dearly.

Lately I’ve been getting a weird vibe from my father in law that I was having a hard time putting my finger on and then it finally hit me exactly what it was this week. He’d pledged his support to me already and told me he was here for us. Recently after bumping into him I saw this familiar look in his eye and after a few hours it finally struck me what it was. It was the same look he used to give me when Diane and I were first together. It was a look that said I only tolerate you because of my daughter. I could be wrong and it could just be me being paranoid again, but it was surely the same feeling I used to get that made me uncomfortable around him before .. god I hope I’m wrong …

Well I’ve talked enough for now to do some more coughing ..


P.S Redsox Magic # is 2 games!

Sep 23, 2007

Sweet Sunday

I've awoken this am to news of my beloved Redsox being the first team in baseball to clinch an American league playoff spot. Anyone that knows me can tell you that I'm a rabid Redsox fan. In fact I'm a lifelong Redsox fan all the way back to the early 70's, heck being from just north of Boston it's hard not to be. The Redsox are a deeply ingrained part of the New England culture, it really is something to experience. Go Redsox nation, next stop American League East Champions please!

My trip to Chicago bred a demon in my house. I love to cook and especially love it when I can make something that my beloved likes, she is such a fuss budget at times. During our trip to Chicago our friend Todd took over cooking duties as he, like me, loves to cook . During our second day there Todd decided to make us some of his his grand moms biscuits and gravy.So this am like every weekend we usually plan on doing breakfast but today instead of running out to our local diner, I decided to cook at home. It was only natural to ask Dee what she might like and she jumped and said biscuits! I thought I was being cute when I told her I had no canned biscuits but alas, my dear wife knew I had the stuff to make em from scratch ... Thanks Todd!!!

Just kidding.. I really didn't mind as long as she enjoys it. Then it makes me happy

Friday evening we got to spend some time with my daughter and my granddaughter, this is something I'm really enjoying. I'm so happy to see my daughter finally coming around and embracing us as her family once again. In the course of my transition Jess, along with my friends have been incredible to me. She has constantly tried to give me confidence and make me feel good about what I'm doing. Now she has taken up sides with a friend of mine to push me further and get things to where they need to be. I certainly adore her for that and am blessed to have those types of people in my corner.

So I had decided that this weekend was going to be a cooking weekend. Friday for Jess and Dee I made Fettuccine Broccoli and Chicken Alfredo. When I make this the girls make sure to request that I do homemade Alfredo and not the stuff in a jar. As always I oblige to make them happy ...yea yeah I like to cook too, I know! It seemed to come out pretty well and we all enjoyed it as usual.

After dinner Jessica wanted to talk to my friend Kristi to tell her how much she loved the baby blanket and bib that Kristi sent home with us from Chicago, So I had asked Kristi to call after work. Then it was off to Sam's club and out for Ice Cream with my girls. This was something we hadn't done as a family in quite a few years. It brought back some fond memories and now I have additional family to make more memories with. Friday night was an enjoyable and busy evening. (Story of my life)

Friday I spoke to my friend Mike briefly on the phone and some things he had to say blew me away. He used the name Karyn in the course of the conversation and told me he wants to try and help me along with things. It was very heart warming and touching. He also revealed to me that he told our old friend Scott. I was a little taken back by it but was relieved to hear Scott thought nothing less of me and felt bad that I thought I couldn't tell him. Mike knowing that we are all hoping to get together in the near future figured that it was better that Scott wasn't totally shocked in the change of my appearance. It becomes a lot more apparent to people haven't seen me for an extended period of time.

Back when I first started my counseling my friend Annah told me that the easiest way to successfully transition it was a good idea to relocate to a place where no one knows you, then you can start fresh and it is easier to get comfortable with what you are doing. I have to say that was something that I'd always wanted to try long before this but never had the backbone to just up and go. After our trip to Chicago this was something that seemed to re-enter the conversations between Dee and I. Diane feels it would be much better for me and she would love to make an attempt at life in a totally different atmosphere.

While the thought of leaving everything I love bothers me, the idea of finally getting to where I need to be tempts me. The negatives involve the fact that I love New England all the way to not wanting to be away from my daughter and grand daughter. On Dee's side it is that I don't want to take her from her family, still she sees this as the right thing to do. It still leaves me feeling guilty though.

During the course of coming out with what was going on I can draw a line on people who are supportive and people who feel their need to know or others need to know is more important than my own comfort. This is something that hurts me severely and sets me back. I cannot and will not relinquish what is right for me to other peoples belief that people need to know. This is most certainly one of the factors that will play into our decision on moving away.

I need to be able to do things in a controlled and comfortable manner and anyone Else's comfort, need to know, beliefs or whatever will need to be secondary for now. It doesn't mean that I don't love these people, it just means that control of my transition is not theirs to dictate.. it's mine! Anything less would set me backwards.

I'm excited to say I am set up for my first real hairstyle this week. I'm nervous and a bit anxious but I am excited to see what will happen. A friend of my daughters is a hairstylist and I've decided to let her work her magic on me, if that's even possible. The only requests I have in this is that I do not want to lose any of my length and I need to be able to tie it back for work. Beyond that she has creative freedom.

Lastly I had set myself into some deep thought yesterday. I'm starting to believe that the best thing for me is to just set a deadline for being full time and abide by it. If I can live to a deadline and find a way to hold myself accountable then I won't keep having these setbacks. If anything I've come to realize that in order for me to feel comfortable with who I am, then that isn't a choice it is necessary for longevity and happiness.

My life has finally become a gift and not a burden, nothing will make me feel the latter ever again


Sep 21, 2007


Some days you cruise through life and it feels like it’s a free ride, then there are those where you feel like you are trying to climb the empire state building and you’re afraid of heights. We all want to be viewed a certain way, treated a certain way and we don’t usually understand how other see us.

When I go out in public regardless of how I am perceived visually from other people, I still have it burned into my mind that everyone simply see me as male. It’s even to the point where my outlook tends to frustrate the people who care about me, more than that is it frustrates yours truly. But that is the external and will take time for the mind to comprehend the changes.

When I weighed 200lbs and made a decision to change in order to not only better my health but better myself it was a life changing event. As the pounds shed I couldn’t wait to see how I would look at 170 or even 160. At my lowest I hit 146 Lbs and before you think OMG you have to realize that I’ve always had a very feminine bone structure. My wrists and hands were always very girlish and even my ring size was only a 7.

People that hadn’t seen me in a while would stop me and tell me how good I looked and asked how I did it. I was proud to know I could set that goal and stick to it. But the problem with the whole thing came when I would look in the mirror. Even at my current weight of 150 I still see a fat face and belly. It doesn’t mean that I’m looking to drop more weight, I am comfortable where I am as long as I don’t gain now. No matter how many people told me I was skinny now I still couldn’t see it in the mirror.

On a trip to the mall this discussion came up with my wife and she asked me how big I thought I was. I pointed to a guy walking by and she pretty much laughed at me. So I asked her, ok smartass how big am I?

She noticed a pretty attractive young lady and said you are about her size. I couldn’t and refused to believe her after all even dressed to me that I feel like a linebacker in women’s clothing. I finally reserved myself to the fact, it will just take time for me to see it.

Now lets focus on the emotional stuff for a moment.

I have a really cool friend that I converse with daily on aol instant messenger. She has been a tremendous source of support and feedback, beyond that we just tend to have some really great conversations. Yesterday I had to ask her if she could see the female side of me in our conversation. It bugs me that everything is always taken at face value I guess, I have a mind for things needing to be proven out or validated.

She told me that she could easily see it and explained that most of my conversations with her are very feminine in nature. It does come through. There is a certain amount of relief to hear that beyond what I say I am that someone else can see it for themselves. When I explained the conversation to my daughter she hit a nerve with me that almost had me in tears. She told me that she has been able to connect with me a lot deeper now because of that emotional depth I have gained and she feels much closer to me now, so much so that she wished we could have had this in our relationship years ago.

It was quite thought provoking to have my daughter validate my female emotion in that way and an even bigger payoff that she can be closer to me because of it.

When I was younger and trying to cope as a make in a male driven world it was very frustrating for me. Those emotions were always there, but try sharing those things with the guys. You’ll probably get slapped in the back of the head. It took a long time to realize just why guys attitudes and shallow conversations perplexed me. I was living in a world that emotionally I didn’t belong in.

I remember years ago when I first started working for the company that I am in now. I got called into my boss’s office to get yelled at for something I had done. I vividly remember trying to stare at he lights in an attempt to stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. I can only imagine how I would have been perceived for breaking down in that manner not only in front of my boss, but someone who came across as very macho to begin with. I can just imagine him bellowing "There’s no crying in machining!!"

As the hormones have settled my brain down that ability to cry has increased substantially, I wouldn’t give that back for anything. It can be embarrassing at times but the bottom line is it’s an emotion that I can now embrace as mine and not a perceived weakness.
I’m quite touched to have my emotions not only validated but embraced by others and not have to feel ashamed of them anymore. For the first time in my life people are getting the whole me and not just a shell.

Life is moving forward and is good!


Sep 19, 2007

Hi honey I'm home

Well it is back to work and back to the daily grind, I suppose that to some degree a bit of normalcy is a good thing. We had an awesome trip to Chicago, it’s always nice to see old friends. Beyond that this trip ended up meaning so much more to me it’s hard not to be emotional.
From the time we got off the plane it was assumed we would hang out with our friends, nothing would be different it would just be like the last time we saw each other. To say I had no expectations would be an understatement but I was up for a good shock.

Once we got off in Midway I text messaged our friends to let them know we were on the ground and I got some replies stating Todd was still at home and Kristi was waiting in the baggage terminal. We came down the escalator to see her smiling face and a warm greeting, gathered our bags and off we went.

As the conversation started to ramp up I noticed I was being referred to as Karyn and She right from the start. It was certainly something I hadn’t planned on or worked myself up for from them. As we entered the first train depot (The "L") to head out Kristi was not only referring to me as she directly but out loud in a public manner. This was certainly different for me and as I stated something I wasn’t prepared for.

With every she, her and out loud Karyn I would look around the train trying to see if there were any reactions and I hadn’t noticed anything. We got back to the house to get settled and head out for deep dish pizza I suddenly noticed my friend Todd was doing the same thing. I remember thinking this was going to be an interesting trip. Again Todd without missing a beat went with all the female pronouns and name. It was quite a jolt to my system on the upper levels but was so nice internally.

Friday our plans were to walk around Chicago and then meet Kristi for lunch at one of their favorite delis "Perry’s" As we were walking over to Perry’s I could feel my stomach in knots figuring this was a place where people knew him and I would surely be introduced. I thought about it on the way over and was considering asking him not to do that but I figured I would just let it happen. Sure enough I was introduced.. These are my friends from NH Diane and Karyn! Not a bat of an eye or a loss of words let loose.

As the weekend moved on I became more comfortable with their open nature and more validated with every new experience. I have to admit it was quite exhilarating. After we got home Diane told me she could see the happiness in my face and she loved the fact that they had done this for me.

Saturday brought on more walking Chicago seeing Millennium park and something that Sully refers too as the bean. Saturday being our Anniversary Kristi made reservations for all of us at an upscale steak and seafood house called Hugo’s Frog Bar. After a lot of Rum and Cokes, a good meal we headed back out to walk around Chicago downtown at night. We had hoped to find something for my grand daughter

Sunday is usually football day, Todd and Kristi love their Chicago bears. The idea for the afternoon was to walk over to a club they hang at call McGees have a bunch of appetizers, drinks and have an all around good time. Entering McGee’s would be an interesting experience to say the least. The door man was asking for ID, both Kristi and Todd entered before I did.
When I got to the door man I handed him my NH license and hoped he would say anything. He looked at the license, looked at me, back at the license until I finally blurted out’s me. He responded to me with "I have no doubt you are over 21 but your name is KEVIN?" Yep I nodded that’s me and again he asked but KEVIN? At this point he just handed me back my ID and told me to go in. Guess I was passing again without knowing it.

After the football game I would have an experience that I not only didn’t expect, but it freaked me out severely. As I put on my jacket and headed for the front of the bar I noticed a guy with dirty blond hair walking directly towards me. As he got near me his hand went around my waist to my lower back and asked me "What’s up?" I just said "Hey" and tried to head for the door. That was when the jerk slid his hand down and grabbed my ass. I was totally freaked out by it. After I’ve had time to process it I have tried to take at least one positive from a crappy situation. That is that I guess I female. It doesn’t lessen or discount what he did but it is something positive.

Monday morning we needed to get off early to catch a 9am flight. With the train and such we decided to leave around 5:30 so we could have a 2 hour check in window. Kristi got up to say her good byes, gave us our hugs and said goodbye. Todd escorted us to the airport helped get us to the gates gave us our good-byes and headed off. It was a sad feeling for me to say good bye to two people who were so accepting. I later told Diane it was almost as though I’d left Karyn in Chicago having to come back home.

As we check in through security I got stopped again for my license. She didn’t want to let me through because she didn’t believe it was me. I finally protested enough for her to just sign it off … and home we came.

It was the best weekend I’ve had in a long time. I got the validation that I really needed. It almost makes me want to relocate just to start fresh as Karyn. For now I’ll just have to cherish the gift my friends gave me …


Sep 16, 2007

Windy places

As I sit in type this I am sitting in a friends flat in the Wrigley section of Chicago, In fact I am so close to Wrigley we can see it from the front of the building. We got here on Thursday evening and are going home tomorrow, hardly enough to get locked into a lot of plans, but enough to enjoy the company of our friends and have some real good laughs.

In running an Internet message board you meet all kinds of people depending on how popular the board is. Sometimes you meet cool people, sometimes you meet jerks and then there are those gems you call friends. I've met a handful through the country that I am lucky enough to have as friends, Todd and Kristi are in that group.

Saturday had the three of us walking downtown Chicago, visiting something my pal Sull calls the bean and having a nice dinner at a place called Hugo's frog bar. It's been a grand time this week and I'm looking forward to the day when Todd and Kristi come to my home and let me show them around.

If anything from this trip is taken beyond the occasional picture or souvenir then I would have to say it would be a deeper level of appreciation for the support of these two dear people. From the time I have gotten off the plane till now they have been using my "proper" name and proper pronouns without hesitation. It is quite warming to have someone care so much such as this and I will really cherish the small moments that I have gotten this weekend.

Anyway I do have a lot more to write on this subject but my shower beckons to start my day .. Be back soon ..


Sep 12, 2007

tomorrow we are off ...

Laptop….. check
Ipod….. check
Camera…. check

Tonight will be one of those busy nights that you have right before you go out of town. Tomorrow after work we board a plane to see our friends in Chicago. It’ll be nice to get away for a few days but it will be really nice to hang out with our friends

My head has slowly come back to normal over this past week and I’m going back to being more relaxed than I’ve been in a while. Generally when I get my head in a more positive state good things happen, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed. If anything life should just be about feeling positive anyway, then everything else is gravy!

Sunday will be my 17th wedding anniversary to Diane. While it is a major milestone to be married that long I am much more proud to have been together for 24 years this year. I love not only the fact that we have been able to endure a lot of highs and lows throughout the years, but we have grown together through those times. There hasn’t been another human being I’d rather have hold my hand on this journey than her.

Yesterday a possible chance to do something for big the Trans community presented itself. I won’t discuss the details of it simply because I don’t believe it will happen but I will say this much. To be able to have gotten to a point that I’d be able to consider doing something like this is a testament to how far I’ve come in my journey. I’d love if it were to pan out because it sends a positive message to society and it helps lock me into the final legs of my transition

One of the biggest concerns I’ve written over time and time again is my appearance. In having to do what I am being considered for this became a huge concern for me yesterday, do I look good enough to do this. Jess told me yesterday that she took the liberty of showing my blog to her friend and hoped I wouldn’t be upset with her for sharing it. Of course I am not, that is what it is here for. It is here to help educate.

Her friend told her after looking at my pictures, that if she passed me in the mall she would never have known. I guess you could say that was the ultimate compliment. So Courtney, in case you do come back and read my blog .. thank you!

For now that’s all I really have to share, tomorrow night we will be enjoying a real Chicago pizza and talking about guitars with our friends. Can’t wait …


Sep 9, 2007

Been a long time

Been a long time since I Rock and Rolled!! I have so much to talk about and nothing to say all at the same time. I've been a bit quiet since the meltdown week not long ago. I just felt I'd needed a break from things I guess.

My Sister in Law~ As I'd previously written I was under the impression that my sister in law had known all along and was basically playing me. I'm happy to report that it wasn't the case at all. In an act of frustration Dee has resent her the original email and told her to read it was well as my blog here. She was concerned enough that she wanted my state of mind known to my sister in law.

After 2 days a reply came through that basically said, she thought it was another email I was talking about and that she would call that night, which she did. While she never said she was accepting of what was going on she did say she loved us and would be there. I guess that's all I can ask for.

last weekend was the labor day cookout at my mother in laws and the first time I would actually see my sister in law and her family since the news broke. As they pulled up I noticed they were driving in their 67 camaro convertible (what a beautiful car) and as my niece saw me yelled out

My nieces had always had a habit when they were young of calling me aunty Kevin because of my long hair. This had stopped for a long time and just recently started again so this played into the whole ..omg do they know scenario.

As those words came out of her mouth in an almost instantaneous manor her mom whipped her head around and told her not to do that it wasn't very nice. As my sister in law emerged from the car I motioned for her to come with me to talk and as I did this for the first time since we met 24 years ago she took my hand.

I explained that she didn't need to do that and she stated that she was trying to be sensitive to the situation. I told her that I didn't want anything with her children to change. I've always loved the fact that her kids teased me and played around because it was never being done maliciously, this was their way being a part of their uncles life and I adore them for that. I also explained that this was hard for me because my first and foremost concern was that I didn't want to do anything to hurt her kids ...

Several weeks before at a family get together my oldest niece pulled out a bunch of barrettes and hair ties. She took to styling my hair to have fun and I was happy simply because she was enjoying herself, laughing and being a loving child. I wouldn't give those interactions up for the world. That day my sister in law even thanked me for being such a great sport with the kids.

I love our nieces dearly and those memories will be my fondest.

Jess and Gianna~ Some of the hardest times for me were the times my daughter and I were disconnected form each other. Unable to see the others point of view and unable to bend to the others expectations. Since my granddaughter was born I have to admit that I happy to see how well she is doing. I hear from Jess everyday now, I get pictures of my granddaughter and most of all I get to see them quite often.

Jess had gotten to the point of not talking to me for months at a time and only seeing me at the most 2-3 times a year. It was some of the hardest times for me in the relationship with her as I've always loved her so deeply. For this to happen is quite a contrast from before and I'm eating it up.

When I'd gotten the news of Jessica's pregnancy to say I was less than thrilled is an understatement. I was concerned for her abilities as a parent because of her immaturity. I have to say after seeing her for this past 7 weeks she has taken to motherhood like a champ and really stepped up to the plate. She is proving herself to be a really good mom and I'm proud to see her maturing as such.

Mini Vacations!~ This coming weekend Diane and I will be celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary. We are flying to Chicago for a few day to hang some dear friends and celebrate it with them. This will be the first time either of us sets foot in Chicago so I'm sure it will be an interesting experience, especially considering I haven't lived in a city in almost 25 years!!

Todd and Kristi are friends we made through a message board that both Todd and I managed together. We met face to face at the NAMM show in 2004 and have been friends ever since. Both Todd and Kristi have been awesome to me with all I've gone through so far regarding transition (more about that later) Neither person has been judgemental or pulled back from treating me any different than before. In fact if anything I've walked away with a little deeper friendship with Kristi and she has been an awesome wall of not only support to me but guidance.

My Dee and Kristi are very similar girls, they are warm and fun but they are most certainly take no shit and don't sugar coat things. When I have had down days or needed that kick Kristi has been one of the people to do it and I appreciate her for that. I'm blessed to have her as a friend.

Transition woes~ Ok maybe woes isn't such a good word but lemme explain what's been going on with me. I guess it would be safe to say that my transition has taken a few steps backwards. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that I'm stopping, I just feel that with everything that happened I've regressed a bit. One of the main parts that I really need to start taking care of is my appearance. I need to start wearing girls clothes more and getting out more so I can be comfortable in public. As previously blogged this has been one of the hardest aspects of this whole thing for me. I guess to some degree it's easy to understand what is between the ears but hard to see it visually sometimes. When things happen that have caused me pain I seem to run away from the materialistic part of the transition simply because it hurts me that it is the hardest thing for me to get over. I really need to change this behavior now and hopefully I can soon.

Recently in making plans to go to Chicago I had what would not only be a funny conversation with Kristi but a serious one. Kristi and Todd wanted to know if we would Ago to dinner for our anniversary to an upscale steak house to which we agreed would be nice. After thinking about this for a few minutes I message Kristi and asked her what the dress code was because we generally just travel with comfy clothes IE jeans and t-shirts!!

She told me that it was dressy casual and that Khaki's would be fine. When I told her I didn't own any she told me that we would just have to go shopping then. She then stated that a nice sundress would do just fine. To say I almost fell of my chair would be an understatement. But it entered us into a conversation of me being me in Chicago and how it is the perfect time. I'm not sure I have the nerve to to that but I do love the fact that I have people who not only believe in me but are encouraging me and trying to hold me accountable.

This past Wed in a session I told my counselor that I was going to Chicago and her immediate response was "What a perfect time to start getting out as yourself!" I sat up in my chair and asked her if she'd been talking to my friend Kristi!

Last night in a conversation about things with Jess she seemed to jump onto the same theme and I'm beginning to think it is stamped into my forehead or something. Everyone seems focused on me getting out now, more so than I am personally.. LOL

I told Jess I didn't think I could do that and she pressed further. At one point she told me that I'd be fine, she felt I was passable visually and that I had nothing to worry about. Those words from her were incredibly heartfelt.

Dee,Kritsi,Anne and Jess all on the same wavelength ..go figure! .. Does it mean Karyn makes an appearance in Chicago? I don't know about that but I guess it is not totally out of the question. Maybe after a lot of alcohol ... although I clan hear Kristi riding my ass that we are doing it .. LOL

While I've been a little derailed I am slowly coming back to feeling a little better and hopefully that leads to some drive to move forward. If something positive comes out of this then it is totally worth it.

anyway that's enough for tonight. This is the first time I'm sitting here on the couch doing my blog from my new laptop, I kind of like this. Hope you're all well and hopefully we'll have some good Chicago stories ..If we stay sober long enough!