Jan 28, 2008

First True Flight

Wing's spread and a new dove has taken to the sky and flown for the
first time!!

It's Monday and I'm on cloud nine (Which is rare for me on a Monday (LOL). Saturday Morning was Dee's day to open Curves as she works there every other week. She rolled out of bed extremely early which was very out of character for her on a Saturday. As she showered I slowly came too and decided to ask her if she would like to go grab breakfast with me before she had to work. Generally she hates to do this and I naturally assumed I would get the usual no, I was so surprised to hear "sure!" So I got ready to head out.

I had it in my mind Saturday Morning that it was going to be a special day and I can say it lived up to my expectations. The plan I had made with her was to hit an old favorite breakfast spot with her and then I would drop her off at curves, I would then pick her up when she was
ready to come home. Lately I've changed my jeans over to strictly girl's jeans as I had planned on phasing out my boy jeans when they wore out. Lately the boy jeans have been dropping like flies and I needed to buy more so the obvious was to replace them as I went.

I had set the goal Sat morning that if I got maam'ed, ladies or any other female pronoun that this was going to be my day. We made it through breakfast without once hearing a female salutation and then as we were leaving there it was, have a nice day ladies … It was what I
needed for my confidence for the day. I dropped Dee off and Curves, headed home, hit the shower and got ready for the day.

At 10 am when it was time to go pick her up as I drove into the lot she noticed me in the car with a big smile on her face and remarked "you look great!" We made a decision to head up to the Tilton NH outlets as they have a GAP and I still need some more jeans. It's a nice sized outdoor mall with some upscale stores about 40 minutes north of us.

One of the issues I had been having with getting out was the appearance of Anxiety attacks. This was one of the most paralyzing parts of trying to go out as me. I'm not sure why but I can only assume it is because I'm more bared as me, there is no hard shell hiding me from the world
anymore at that point. I've been afraid that I would get confronted, ridiculed or would be seen as a "dude trying to pass as a girl" and then there was the issue of using the bathroom. It had gotten to the point that my Dr was recommending Xanax to get me over the anxiety but I've always been one that stayed clear of pills as much as possible.

As we drove towards the highway kidding around I told Dee I wish I had done a few shots of tequila and low and behold she thought that was a good idea. It wouldnt be to get drunk or impaired, just enough to take the edge off of my nerves. It worked!

When we got to the outlets the fear started setting in and all at once I just turned and got out of the car, Diane's jaw just dropped and she followed behind. She asked if I wanted to go into the gap and I said no, that I just wanted to walk the outside of the mall first and get used to being around people. As I became acclimated we entered a Wilson's leather where Diane bought herself a new wallet. We even interacted with the people working there. On the way back the Tequila had finally hit me enough that I needed a bathroom and there's no way in hell I can go in a men's room (I'm very uncomfortable in them anyway) so Diane went in with me to make sure I would be alright.

The last stop we made was the GAP outlet looking for jeans and they had none of the ones I prefer. Diane looked at me and remarked that it was too bad after all this but I explained to her that no matter what this trip had been worth it for me. Back to the car and off towards home we headed. As we were discussing what had just happened and the barriers I broke for myself I
broke down in tears. It was probably the single most emotional moment in this whole transition and while people might think that I'm crazy, they were nothing more than tears of joy.

We decided on the drive home that we might as well take advantage of what had just happened and grab dinner out, Dee picked Cracker Barrel. When we got there I was trying to figure out how to get the nerve up when my cell phone rang and it was Jessica. Without meaning too or
knowing it she had actually helped me be calm enough to walk into the restaurant as she chatted away. I used it as a good distraction to keep me calm as I navigated through a busy restaurant. Dee and I had a nice leisurely meal and then headed home for the evening. I rode the high the entire night that I had finally accomplished what I needed.

Sunday morning we needed to get up early and meet my cousin for our monthly breakfast. Figuring that I had started Sat I might as well just continue with the momentum and make this a normal routine, So I did it again and this time it was even easier. :o)

I cannot begin to describe the weight lifted from my shoulders this weekend. I'm feeling as though I will finally be able to start letting go of the old and embracing the norm. This was such a success for me on so many levels. I finally see light in the tunnel …

~K~

1 comment:

emilyjonesmusic.com said...

So good to feel free to be yourself, I'm smiling for you! You should see it, it's at least a mile wide.
:o)