Mar 20, 2008

Inadverdently being outed

I received a phone call form my daughter last night. She called because she missed us and wanted to get together which was nice to hear. It seems like forever since we’ve had any time with her or my granddaughter and I miss them both something terrible. So the plan is for them to come over tonight, grab dinner and hopefully do some shoe shopping.

In the process of the conversation last night she seemed very nervous and then it finally came out. She had bumped into her godmother is a very old dear friends of mine from high school. During the course of the conversation Jess brought up my transition assuming at this point that they had known and when she found out they didn’t, she panicked.

I assured her it was no big deal, it had to happen anyway and quite honestly, I’m just not ashamed of what I’m doing and who I am. It’s nice to be that at ease with it now, just 2 short years ago that would have created total panic on my part. Now it’s just someone else I don’t have to tell on my own.

After I got off the phone with my daughter I proceeded to call my friend. When she answered the phone I broke the ice with “So, heard any good rumors lately?” We had a good conversation and she not only assured me that nothing changes with them, but they wished I had confided in them about it years ago so they could have been there for me. To say I’m deeply touched by this would be a total understatement.

One of the questions she asked of me was one that I’d never received before and yet it was a very obvious question. Seeing the positive changes in me and how I feel, am I sorry I wasn’t able to do this when I was younger. This answer is a real tough one to have to give.

On one hand I do wish I could have taken care of this at a young age. It was tough growing up and not understanding my inner feelings but most of all everything that I really missed out on that most young girls have. I was on the outside looking in feeling like I was anything but normal and having poor self esteem issues because of it. Back in my younger days I had no confidence in myself, I was too busy masking my secret from the world. If I could have lived with that sense of inner peace then maybe I would have been a bit better adjusted.

To answer the other side of the coin actually presents another question in itself. Is it worth giving up the family I have for that first 20 years of being true to myself. The fact is that if I had to do this all over again, I’d live the same life because if it weren’t for the choices I’d made I would never have met my Dee and certainly never have my daughter. I cannot imagine not having either person in my life, they mean way too much to me. While it was hard for me to come to grips with who I was, I am happy with who I am becoming, which wouldn’t be possible without the love of these 2 people.

I’ve come to deeply appreciate my friends, I’ve been blessed with some of the most caring friends anyone could ask for. Most of all I am overwhelmed at their desire for me to be comfortable with myself. They do their best to keep things as normal as possible for me. How could I ask for anything more …



Samantha said...

Ah yes, the early days and who knows and who doesn't. Back a few years ago before I told everyone, there was a discovery health channel special about changing sexes. The only friend of mine I hadn't told yet was the only one who had discovery health.

He knew I was changing my name, and since it shortens to a gender neutral name I told him that part of things. He assumed it was because of my divorce. So in the emails going back and forth as I was telling him what I wanted him to record, I accidentally replied to him from my full name email.

He'd already been wondering who we both knew that was going through changer change, but when he got the email from Samantha instead of Sam, he said, "Oh my god? Sam is short for Samantha isn't it? It's YOU that's having your gender changed? Why didn't you say something?"

To be honest, I was worried he wasn't going to like me anymore and would freak out. He said "Hey, I have girl friends and guy friends, so you are not going to be one of my guy friends anymore, but you'll still be one of my friends, it's cool. So we talked about it, that was three or four years ago. He and his wife just had a new baby boy, he's so cool and amazing, and even more amazing is they named him after his Aunt Samantha!

They named him after me!!! I have a namesake! The funny part of it is my friends brother was crazy jealous and annoyed. She's only a friend of yours and I'm family, why does she rate so high...

Funny how life can be. People, families, and so on.

You sound like your doing great Karyn, Rock it girl!

~K~ said...

Hey Sam,

That's an awesome story and actually quite funny at the same time. At least there are people out there who are willing to look past what they might understand to care about the person underneath.

Last year a good friend of ours came home to visit from Redmond Washington where he now lives. My daughter went to see him and when she asked what he was up too he told her he had to go see his "Transgender" friend. My daughter assumed I had told him but his mom was waving her arms in the background to not say anything. Needless to say, turned out he had another TG friend!!

Whern i finally saw him I was alone with him and asked.. so what's up with this TG chick on your myspace page and he got all defensive in a manner ready to protect his friend. Whern i told him he knew another one and pointed at myself he just looked dumbfounded ... He's still my friend to this day... it's nice to have people care enough to realize I am still me, I'm just changing the shell ....