Yesterday was a big step for me, it was one of those very tiny steps that mean nothing by themselves but becomes the catalyst for something much bigger. Yesterday I went to the NH State website looking for the forms for a legal name change. I filled the paperwork out and printed it up. Yeah yeah it means very little in itself but as part of a bigger process that was a huge step for me. It’s the beginning of letting go of my safety blanket.
I know it’s hard to view the old me as anything but safe. We tend to get caught up as part of the way we define ourselves. That is to say that I allowed people to see Kevin for so many years. I build relationships as Kevin, I built a career as Kevin, I built my talent around Kevin and my financial stability. Every aspect of my life was built around someone who was for the most part me, but not a completely bare me. I only allowed people to see part of a person and even at that I don’t believe that person was 100% genuine all the time.
In my counseling session last night I told my counselor I needed my referral letter for name change as well. I guess as nervous as I am about letting go of the old and embracing the new I am finally seeing it is just time. It’s time to let go of the safe feeling of someone who really doesn’t exist in the same form any longer. Most of all it is just time to be me and concentrate on making my journey secondary to who I am, learning to just "be" instead of being with a condition attached.
So, effective April 2nd I will officially have my referral letter for name change and I will submit it for a court date shortly after (I need to hold myself accountable for that) Hopefully before summer I will be legally Karyn and moving forward with the final stages of my journey …
Last night we were discussing where I’m at and should be going and it at times ends up being cause for reflection. A good counselor will never tell you what you have too do but what they do is lead you through options and allow you to make the choices that are best for you. They cannot make those suggestions without you fitting the criteria for whatever it is to begin with. So for the first time last night I asked her how she thought I fit into this whole thing.
Anne sat back in her chair trying to ascertain the best possible answer for the question, simply because no two people are alike in this path. We all have similar stories but at the end of the day we determine the best course of action based on how things affect us. Her response was pretty cool and made a lot of sense, she simple told me that I was a "normal" transsexual. (Normal, whatever that may be) A "normal" transsexual is basically the non sensationalized transsexual. It’s the Transsexual that is just trying to live a normal existence void of the freakish stereotypes that society has conjured up because of TV.
She told me that from a textbook standpoint that I do fit the parameters for care (Textbook Transsexual). It isn’t something I didn’t already know, I did in my heart. I guess it is just a little bit of validation that I really don’t need to be happy. I look back on this and I used to think "why me" and yet some how I’ve grown enough now to simply be happy to be me. I wouldn’t change this journey for anything, it’s made me a much stronger person …
A much stronger woman .. .
~K~
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