Mar 30, 2008

What a week

Been a bit of and emotional, but good week. Well other than the fact that I've been terribly sick again. I thought I was finally feeling better and then a week ago I caught another cold from my Granddaughter. I ended up at the Dr and on Antibiotics this past Wednesday. Hopefully now I'm on the mend.

In the last few weeks I've narrowed the field way down about who knows about my transition. So far, so good. I could not ask for been friends and family than the people I've chosen to surround myself with over the years. Not one person has treated me poorly or walked away and I've been left terribly humbled by the experience.

When I started I was told by the counselor to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Not that it was expected that people would all suddenly turn their backs on me. Sadly this is more common with trans people attempting gender change. People i know and have talked too have almost all lost people close to them in their lives. At times I feel a bit guilty not having this problem. I cannot understand how someone can turn their backs on someone they love.

I'd been thinking about my brothers and sisters for a long time during this change. I'd often believed they not only wouldn't accept it but I'd probably never be able to be part of the family again. This past week that was put to the test.

I'd noticed my big sister had signed up on myspace. She was listed as a member on my sister in laws (younger brothers wife) MySpace page. I had not talked to my sister in a while and had been thinking about her a lot when I noticed this and I decided to take a chance and add her to my friends list. Over the next week as we talked a bit she mentioned wanting to talk and such, this was when I needed to come clean.

I explained to her that I needed to be upfront with her so she wouldn't be shocked over the changes I've been through since she last saw me. She seemed to take it very well and explained that she didn't understand it, she loved me and wanted to support me. This was one of the biggest weights to have been lifted of my shoulders.

My family is pretty spread out between 2 coasts. I have 1 older brother, 3 older sisters here form my dads first marriage. I have two younger brother on the opposing coast from his third marriage. Me, I grew up as an only child from the middle marriage not really knowing any of my siblings other than my older brother.

When I met my sister "T" we hit it off instantly. I was about 17 and we had a lot of similarities between us. She always made it a point to show me she loved me and worried to the point that even when my mom threw me out, she took me in. Something that I've always been grateful for but probably never expressed what it meant to me. As you can probably guess, if I had never been able to see her again because of this, I knew it would hurt.

T and I were close for a while and we always enjoyed being around each other. One of the things she mentioned to me was how she really missed having me to talk too. I'd finally come to the conclusion from conversations with other girls I knew that this comfort had to be rooted in my "female gender identity"

Tonight after dinner I signed onto my Myspace account to see an inbox message from my sister "T" with the simple subject line "Hey!" My mind started to race wondering what might be up, I opened the message. Inside the body of the message was something that I not only never expected, it nearly brought me to tears.

"I want to get to know my sister"

Acceptance is something we all want, it's something we all need in life. To not only get acceptance but be brought into the fold in such a loving manner blew me away. I'm so sorry that I hid this from her for so long. Not because of my being ashamed, but because I feel like we've missed out on so much assuming the brother/sister relationship we had. I only hope that we can grow into the sisters relationship that I had always hoped for.

Last night we had some very dear friends over. They are the people referred too in the inadvertently outed blog. this would be the first time they would see me in a more vulnerable light. I had thought all day about how I should present myself to not only make them comfortable, but keep me comfortable. I finally decided that it was best if they saw me for who I am instead of who I am not and I dressed normally (ie girls clothes)

We had an awesome night. Laughed about old times, friends, family, went out to dinner and just had fun. To say I've missed them being in our lives an understatement. On the way out I was given a hug by each of them and I was told how beautiful I was. Again very very touching and emotional for me.

Recently another old friend of ours had been talking to me on Myspace and mentioned that she would like all of us to get together (all the old highschool friends. At this point I thought it would be wise to let her in on my new life.

Always being taught in counseling prepare for the worst, hope for the best again I prepared for the sky to fall and again it didn't happen. She was not only supportive but terribly sweet about it. After I shared this blog with her and some pictures she told me how pretty she thought I was in the picture with my daughter. I know this week she has been so interested in learning more about this that she took the time to read my entire blog. What a sweetheart she is and I cannot wait to see her.

Over the last few months my local paper has been running a series once a month on the TG population in NH. Today was one of the day's it has been run. I'll add some links at the end. Next time will be an interview with my Dr which is way cool because she is Trans herself and a well known activist in NH for trans rights.

Well off for now, I could talk all night but I don't wanna bore anyone ..


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