Jun 11, 2008

Tired and Worn down days

T-minus 5 days and counting..

Today looks like it will turn out to be a nice day. The past 4 days have been incredibly hot with yesterday reaching 100 degrees. When it starts getting in that range the only time I venture out is to move from place to place. Thankfully today is only supposed to be mid 80's (Boy that sounds kind of funny)

I'm feeling incredibly rundown today and I'd swear I could sleep for 24 hours straight. I'm not sure what's making me feel this way, I took a nap yesterday after dinner and went to bed at my normal time so I actually got more sleep than I normally would. The only thing I can think of is that the heat and humidity just took a lot out of me.

The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me and I think part of it is largely due to feeling rundown. On the board I run the people have been super but a few have taken too calling me names on another board. Some days my skin gets way too thin for all the judgment we transsexuals receive and I end up letting in take me over. Add into the fact that my nerves are up over the change of name and well you can guess it gets to be pretty stressful.

The thing that sucks is that in my heart I don't like making others uncomfortable, making them feel like they can't be around me and I always have a bad habit of putting other feelings above my own. This is something that a lot of transsexuals deal with before transition and they need to learn to be slightly selfish so they can take care of themselves. From the time I was a little child this has always been my nature and it is a tough thing for me to overcome...

I can easily say I don't care what others think but some days it gets hard to actually feel that internally. Maybe some would view it as a weakness but I view it as compassion to some degree. I feel sorry for other people that they need to be consumed by disdain for other human beings.

Tonight is my session with my counselor and I guess I am looking forward to this one. I need to put somethings into perspective for my own peace of mind so I can move on comfortably.

I have'nt had much to say recently, maybe because of the fact that I've let way too much get to me and I don't like others to think it's all bad. Life is good, much better than it was and I'm terribly lucky, luckier than most people in my position. I have an incredible family who not only loves me but continues to point out what I'm doing is right. So many of us deal with the very opposite. Hopefully I'll never be able to take that for granted.



Samantha said...

It's not the heat Luv, it's the stupidity...

Seriously though, nothing washes me out, or runs my down faster than being slow roasted in my own juices... Humidity sucks, and like you when it gets to be too much, I hide in my Air Conditioned place except to get in my car and goto another AC place with the AC on in my car in between. Either that or I'm in the water...

It's okay to be nervous, so don't be too hard on yourself. Worrying about others feelings, especially when it came to my own journey is something we all go through. Also perfectly natural, and far more typical of women than men. You should read "Life lessons for Women" by Stephanie Marston and Jack Canfield. I like to think of it as a handbook to a woman's soul.

Hang in there girl, in five short days it will be a whole new life. You're probably going to be nervous, frightened and more right up until you have that all important piece of paper in your hand. Then it will be a few moments of shock, elation, pleasure, happiness and more. Few days of that and you'll just be Karyn. A year later you'll look back and find it hard to believe you ever really were that other person.

What you are feeling is perfectly natural Karyn and I think you're doing a great job! Rock on!



Sara said...

You know, stress can do that too (induce lethargy and a feeling of exhaustion). It take a lot of energy to maintain an even keel when something is hanging over your head. I hope your session yesterday helped...

As far as putting others' feelings above your own, I think many of us do that. It isn't just a ts attribute, it is one that many women share and I am not sure it is a learned or socialized behavior, it may just part of who we are. It seems to be intertwined with so many feelings and behaviors in small and subtle ways, and I think compassion was the right word to describe it. Are you sure it is something to overcome and not something to learn to embrace but watch over carefully? It sounds almost maternal. The strongest and yet well balanced women I know don't seem to have extinguished it, but they do watch over it with an almost parental eye...

Regarding you not saying much lately, anyone that reads your blog or knows you has *got* to know that life is good, much better than it was and that you know you are lucky and appreciate all that you have, silly! Fact is, I would rather you b*tch and moan a little more, it gives the rest of us a more realistic picture of what life is really going to be like (and yes, we can take it). When all we neophytes can find on the Intertubes are highly filtered revisions of life, it is inevitable that we will hold those stories up to our own and feel...inadequate. Just keep it balanced; like my grandmother said, always end your letters with something uplifting, even if all you have is that your lemon pie turned out good. Oh, and when you do post negative things, we just might make you smile!

I'm going to bounce back some of your advice, but with a twist: Have a totally selfish, self-indulgent weekend and then come nest week, give the world the gift of Karyn.