Jul 16, 2008

Busy weekend/ End of an era I hope

Everyone has up days and down days, I'm not different; yesterday was a down day and today is looking up.

We had a busy weekend this past weekend. On Saturday my wife's family threw a 70th birthday bash for my father in law. It turned out to be a really good day and almost everyone invited showed up. What's better is that my father in law had a blast.

When the invited went out it state time of party was 2 pm but the end was whenever Dick fell asleep. Funny enough with all the alcohol he drank that day he was still up after everyone had gone home for the day, not bad for 70!

One of the things my father in law wanted to buy not long ago was an electric lawnmower. It was lighter and easier for him to get from his basement and then it didn't require gasoline to run so going green was a plus. My mother in law told him flat out no that he wasn't spending the money on it so for his birthday we all chipped in and bought him the mower. He was very happy indeed…

Sunday was a bit hard on me because I had a Christening to attend for one of my best friend's new sons. There's were a few reasons for me having a hard time with this

1) Because I'm simply not comfortable in a catholic church
2) I would have to fully present as Kevin because not everyone knew about me.

It wasn't my day, it wasn't about me and I wanted to do what I could to be there for my friend. I knew having to go backwards would do a number on me emotionally but I felt that out of respect for my friend I had no alternatives.

Anyone that knows me understands that I have a hard time being in pictures right now and especially because of the attire I had to wear. So when asked if I wanted to take pictures with his son I politely declined which apparently offended my friend. Even after I was asked why and explained it to him he was still offended by it. It would appear that pictures with me were a lot more important than my emotional well being and for that I got terribly hurt.

One of the other issues that arose was back when he knew that I was changing my name and I told him I got an email response back that stated "Well for now and probably forever, I'm going to call you Kev". Again instead of worrying about my emotional well being it was more important for him to preserve the past. For me it was not only disrespectful but incredibly hurtful. How anyone who cared about me could understand what having GID means and yet not care what that could do emotionally is beyond me. So for the better part of Sunday Monday and Tuesday I had been incredibly down and feeling like I needed to worry about my friends feelings over my own …

Sunday night was a gorgeous night so Dee and I did something we haven't done in a while but we love. We slapped the passenger seat on my bike and headed out for a nice long night ride. During the summer months this is one of the nicest ways to get lost within ones self. In fact it is one or the rare times where it is so quiet out all you can here is the rumble of the bike and even though there are 2 people on it, you can get lost in yourself at the same time.

The air was warm and slightly humid and it was slightly overcast but that didn't hamper the rode we had taken. We left our house at 10:15 pm and didn't walk back in until 11:45. I always feel like those types of rides are the chicken soup for the soul. As you pass each individual parcel of land new smells become aware to you, fresh cut grass, the floral smell of flowers and the damp night air. It doesn't get anymore relaxing than that.

This past weekend has its ups and down but for the most part it was a good weekend. It was also the weekend I made a pledge that it would be the very last time that I was Kev for anyone. Hopefully now I can concentrate on going fulltime and finally moving on with my life.

This next Sat is another big milestone for my family. My daring granddaughter turns 1 year old and we are going to my daughter's place to celebrate it. I have to admit that Gianna has been one of my greatest sources of joy for the past year. I'm so amazed that one year has passed already….

Here's to looking up and feeling good, time to move on my friends and live ….
Rock on


Samantha said...

I'm really sorry about the way your friend behaved. It is hard.

So I have good news and bad news about your friend, you and the difference in views.

You're a girl. We tend to worry about other people's feelings, quite often before, and or at the expense of our own. It's a very natural, giving, nurturing thing to do. Most men, not so much, sounds like he wasn't/isn't much of an exception. Believe it or not, you'll always be Kev to me is his way of expressing support and what passes in men as acceptance. It's his way of saying you may be painting the house a different color, but it's still the house he knows and loves...

Details, pictures, things are so much more important to men than we are, so to his way of things, it was a great honor to have you in the pictures. What he wasn't thinking of was how you'd feel about being immortalized as Kev that way.

Strange creatures men are. Oddly enough I've learned more about them since I stopped trying to pretend to be one than I ever knew before. Funny how the 'verse works no?

Congrats on your granddaughter's first birthday, it's amazing how fast they grow no? My namesake is bigger every time I see him, and it's amazing how fast he's growing!

So, just for the record, you so don't look old enough to be a grandparent, you know that right?



~K~ said...

For a very long time it used to frustrate me in the way he was. About a year into hormones in a counseling session I realized that he was just being "male"

Being male doesn't excuse the species from respecting a friend. To tell me whatever my name changes too he'll always call me Kev (He meant literally) is not only disrespectful it could cause me issues when we are out.

How is it going to look if we are out in a restaurant and he calls me Kev in front of people who don't know?

Sam, I'm defiantly seeing men a lot differently now and funny enough my wife and I just discussed this. I'm seeing them in way that a few years ago I would have been very uncomfortable with ... it's so bizarre.

I've long known that by wearing my heart on my sleeve that I was truly exhibiting female feelings even while I was on testosterone. I've always been more compassionate than all the guys I knew ... it's par for the course ...

Thanks for the compliment about my age, it was really nice to hear. I guess part of the fact that I was a parent at such a young age helps that and the other is good genes .. although Diane is older than I and tends to look younger ...

Funny enough in drab I tend to wear ball caps as a security blanket and my daughter just told me yesterday to lose the hats..she thinks they make me look old!

Hugs back at ya Sam, hope you're well my dear

Samantha said...

Well then my suggestion is beat him at his own game. If you're out somewhere take a page from Jenny Boylan's book.

She and Russo are out drinking, the waitress comes up and asks if they'd like refills, Russo says yeah, another and whatever HE's having. Waitress says "He?" Jenny chips in with "Yeah, his invisible friend." Waitress says "Oh" and "Can I get you anything else miss?"

Russo spent the next few minutes backpedaling, apologizing and saying the Jenny wasn't invisible.

In my own life, once in a great while my brother gets things confused and says he, I've found I just leave it alone and it's fine, most of the time he corrects himself. He looked at me at one point and was bothered by it, he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I simply said:

"Dude, it's not really that big a deal. Yeah, I've made some changes to my life, but that doesn't erase all the history we have together, or the mental image you have. I've had a lifetime to deal with this and move on, you're still catching up... Cut yourself some slack. I had surgery, but it wasn't brain surgery, so no worries. Same old sense of humor, still me, I just look different. It's just gender, not a religion..."

You look good Karyn, really good, and I think, in fact I'm pretty certain out in public the only one he'll embarrass by intentionally calling you by someone else's name will be himself.

I can see it now "Oh, I'm sorry sir, are you waiting for someone else? Should I come back?" and things along those lines are likely to happen. I think unless you really work at it, you'll have a hard time having anyone believe you used to be a guy.

Eventually, he'll get the clue, or just get tired of the rest of the world thinking he's been drinking too much. Plus, in situations like that, after you've walked away from the table and no-one else can hear, you can look at him and say: "You do realize you look like an idiot when you do that right? No-one knows who your talking about..."

He'll eventually get the message.

As to seeing them differently, oh yeah sister, I've got you back on that one. I still have trouble believing how much my perspective has changed on that one subject alone. But I guess it's like Mushrooms on Pizza.

For years there were so many food's the old me wouldn't even consider, the idea was just gross. Now, I eat pretty much everything. But it's a change. Throws my brother off, still. We'll go to order pizza and Val will ask for peppers and 'shrooms and I'll be like Yeah! Awesome.

My brother on the other hand and gives me this startled look "You don't eat mushrooms, you think they are gross remember?" Like I've gone and lost my mind. Val of course looks at him like he's crazy "Of course she eat's mushrooms, every time we've had pizza together she's always getting 'shrooms..." Then again, Val never knew the old me...

So it's a journey, everything old is new again, and I do mean everything. Frankly I once in a great while have a chuckle at my own expense sort of... "You never would have put that in your mouth before..."

So it all takes a little time. But it's so worth it!


Cuore said...

Re: your comment on my blog -- I really really appreciate your insights and perspective *hugs* you are in no way overstepping!! we did talk about it after we both calmed down and things are good... he understood where I was coming from and vice versa =) so, thanks!!

I'm glad you had an overall good weekend, even when there were some hurtful and disrespectful things that happened. I hope Gianna's birthday celebration goes much better for you!! (and what a beautiful name!!)

~ Amelie

Cuore said...

yes, you can totally link to my blog! =)

~ Amelie

Samantha said...

Amelie, I can't even find your blog, let alone link to it. Your profile is disabled... Me personally I have to be able to read it, before I can link to it. Hope you're having a great day if you wish to have one!