Going through this transition has certainly had its share of ups and downs. I seem to get on the roller coaster regularly and never know where the ride will end up. Every once in a while something will happen that either blows my mind or simply makes me smile. This happened today ..
As I've stated anyone dealing with this can attest the biggest fear is being able to "pass" That is to say present as the intended outside physical sex as identified by the inner person. As I've gone through the process of removing my beard and taking hormones I have had the same concerns as most dealing with this do and I'm simply afraid I'll look like a freak instead of just being a girl..
Every so often something happens in an unexpected manner that gives me a bit of hope. I get called ma'am or addressed as ladies with my wife. The cool thing is that I've done nothing to intentionally present myself that way. I'm not wearing female clothing, I'm not wearing jewelry, My hair is tired back and I'm usually in a harley ballcap ... yet it still happens and I walk away feeling a little more like myself and not the person I've wanted the world to see for so long. Most of all though, when this happens it gives me a glimmer of hope that life will be alright and I'll be able to just be normal without being freakish .. gawd I hate that word ..
Today was no different and lately I had been going through the old, I'll never be able to do this, I'll never pass in a natural manner routine when it happened again .. But in this manner it really threw me ..
Diane and I tend to eat a lot of salads now as we really want to eat healthier. 3 years ago I weighed in at just about 200 pounds and I was feeling pretty crappy. It was then I decided I needed to make changes to get back on track and hopefully feel a bit better. Over the course of that year I dropped 55 pounds largely due to eating a lot more salads and getting rid of processed foods.. IE Sugars etc . Diane knowing I had success in this and being a bit braver decided recently to start eating healthier and has gotten on the salads kick with me. Generally I try and do it in different manners to keep it fresh so I'll always do it with different ingredients.
Today Diane had asked if we could have a salad for dinner and I obliged. i had decided I wanted to add chunky turkey to this salad and on my lunch headed over to a local turkey farm for fresh turkey. What transpired during this transaction was not only funny for me but a bit frustrating as well ... To understand this you need to understand I'm not fully out at work or in public yet so I am still presenting as my male self...... this is how it went down .
Lady: Can I help you?
Me: May I have 1 pound of chunky white and 1/2 pound turkey salad?
Lady: sure .. that will be $12.75 please
Me: I hand her my sovereign bank debit card
Lady: she processes it, hands me a receipt to sign and looks at my card..
Lady: Who is Kevin?
Me: I am
Lady: No your not .. Who is Kevin?
Me: I am, I pull out my wallet and flash my drivers license.
Lady: No, your not Kevin ..who is Kevin ..
Me: I pull my ID out of wallet and show her ...
Lady: Who is Kevin?
Me: I am ... finally she reluctantly hands my card back and I leave...
As I drove off it suddenly struck me she just naturally assumed I was female and thought I was using someone else's card. What really struck me funny was even showing her my picture ID wasn't good enough for her apparently I didn't look enough like my old self!!
I had a good laugh but most off all I walked away feeling better..it is times like these I realize that life is going to be ok ..it just takes time .. As I always tell my wife... baby steps ..
~K~
1 comment:
I was thinking about this, and you know what I think?
I think that for the most part people perceive who another person is not by how they are dressed, but rather by how they present themselves. Who they are.
People aren't treating you like a "freak" because you aren't and you know you aren't. People are assuming you are female because you are, and you know you are, and you have embraced that finally inside and out.
Women that are tomboyish in nature are still women and perceived to be so. So it doesn't matter if you're walking around wearing bike leathers, or a t-shirt, jeans, and ballcap. Women dress like that all the time.
There's no need to worry about "if I'll pass", seriously. You are who you are and people can see that.
Perhaps before you embarked upon your transition folks were somewhat confused by you because you were confused about yourself?
Hm?
Rock on, sister.
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