As I’d written previously Diane and I spent Saturday with some very good friends of ours. We had a nice day and then later that night the conversation turned to what was going on with me. All is cool, I was treated with respect, love and friendship. The problem for me arose in a series of emails on Monday that affected me rather deeply.
My friends wife made it a point to explain that my relationship with Mike will change, he’ll always be my friend and be there for me but the fact is that the dynamic will change. She explained it as she viewed it now as she was gaining another girlfriend but Mike was losing one of his male friends. If anything ever left a sweet and sour taste in my mouth then that was it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at what was said, I know it wasn’t malicious or being used to brush me off at all. They truly and deeply care for Diane and I, I know they are still our friends. So where does this take the sour turn for me?
One of the symptoms that others have to deal with is the change and in some instances that change can be felt like a death. In essence one mourns the loss much like a death of someone close to them.
I guess on one hand I should feel blessed that Mike cares that deeply about our friendship that it hurts him to lose that particular dynamic, but on the other hand I’m very hurt that I did that to a good friend of mine. When I read that line my heart jumped and sunk all at the same time if that’s even possible. I even had a tear in my eye over it.
I wish I could do something to make it better for Mike, I certainly don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s hurt and I certainly understand why and how he feels the way he does. It just doesn’t make things any easier for me I guess.
When I explained what was going on to a friend of mine she pointed out to me that it was a real feminine trait I was feeling and portraying. Putting others well being ahead of your own tends to be a female trait and it is one I have had my entire life.
When I started counseling one of the things I was told I would need to learn was to be slightly selfish. I needed to worry about my well being before I could worry about others now. This was such a foreign concept for me that it really did take a while to let sink in and learn. I’m trying to learn that in small doses without losing my ability to be compassionate and I hope I’m succeeding.
When it came to the hurt I caused my friend though that old need to make things right seems to kick in and my heart breaks for him. I wrote back and explained to his wife that I wish there was a way for me to fix it and make it right. Her answer was simple and to the point.
She wrote "You can’t, the only thing you can do is to stay on the path you are one. If this is truly what you want and I believe you do, then stick with it" It’s so nice to have that kind of support but I can’t get over that pain I’ve caused yet. I guess that’s something that will always be a part of my nature I guess.
On another note my last blog talked about going up north, dressing and most of all my concern in passing. I have to say out of the blue I came back to my pc to see within an instant message a friend say.
"Oh I read your blog and on the issue of passing, don’t worry your doing fine" and then signed off. This was certainly a nice message to see as this has been such a hard feeling for me to beat and it helped make my night. I’m very thankful for my friends and it means a ton when I get that reassurance or support.
Thanks Jon, you’re a cool dude ..