Jul 18, 2007

Reflection and looking forward

Today is kind of a weird day as it is not only my mom’s 71’st birthday but it is also the targeted due date for my first grandchild. As I’d mentioned before I have been estranged from my mom for the better part of 15 years now. It’s bittersweet for me as it is my mom and I do miss her but I am much happier without all the drama she put me through. This past weekend during our shopping trek we needed to stop and buy a birthday card for Dee’s dad as his 69th was Monday and while we were there I actually bought a card for my mom. I don’t know exactly why other than having the intention of mending broken fences but the fact remains for me, is it really I can of worms I need to open at this point in my life.

I know that I’d love to let bygones slip away but I’m not so sure she is the type of person to do that. To further complicate things I’m not sure she would either approve or even accept what is going on with me as she was always a very selfish close-minded person. Still that lingering thought remains in my head every day. At 71 she doesn’t have a lot of time left and we have already lost 15 years. I don’t know how I feel if things remain unresolved and something happens. Even more is the fact that I don’t know I could stand any more pain than she has already inflicted on me. So I sit with birthday card in hand contemplating my next move.

As I also mentioned today is the due day for my granddaughter (Gianna) From the sounds of the last conversation with my daughter she will be going over her due date. She seemed very frustrated by that because she is uncomfortable and such. I have to admit that when I first heard the news of this pregnancy my heart broke because I felt as though my daughter wasn’t in a great place to be a parent. I’ve since come to the realization that I have no expectations of her anymore either way. It is her life to live as she pleases and while I will always be there for her, I need to live me life as I please as well without expectations placed on me.

Once I had gotten myself into this thought pattern the cloud lifted a bit and I can honestly say I am excited about being a grandparent, even if I am WAYYYY to young for that. LOL. Things seem to be better between Jess and I, I talk to her quite a bit by text message although I do miss spending time with her. At least it has been a step in the right direction over this past month.

Tonight will be a busy night as I need to go to my counseling session but it has been an interesting and busy 3 weeks so I’m sure I’ll have a lot to discuss. Generally I enjoy going and talking about the progress and ort learning more about where I am at, hopefully tonight will be that productive.


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