Jul 19, 2007

Learning new things

I learned something last night I hadn’t known about myself, but the counselor had picked up on it over our last 2 years worth of sessions. I was told last night I have PTSD, (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) which absolutely blew me away. But it also started to make a lot more sense and now I can see where it has affected me through my life.

When I was a child my mother while loving had a volatile temper and in some cases I had inherited that from her albeit for very different reasons than mine. I told my wife this am I often think she hated my dad through me as I grew up. After all what a better target than the offspring as I probably reminded her everyday of him.

My mom would lose her temper at the drop of a dime and without any possibility of seeing it coming, zero to a hundred in a tenth of a second. What this did to me was create a very nervous and jumpy child. I was very afraid of my mom and I knew that on the other side of that anger burst a beating was a good possibility.

It was something I hadn’t thought of entering adult life that I could still be carrying that in the form of nervousness. In one sentence from the counselor it suddenly all seemed to make sense. You have PTSD from all the stuff you dealt with as a child. I have to admit that was a ton of bricks and a godsend all at once as I finally understood why I was this way ..

Last night was a good session and seemed to be pretty productive. I generally try to "dress" nice for the session to get used to the change. So last night I did just that and I guess I’m starting to get used to it. I’ve finally gotten to the point on nice nights whenever we can we have been putting the top down and I’m getting used to being out in the open like that. I’ve not noticed any odd looks at all and I’m beginning to think that I don’t look like as much of a freak as I once thought, at least I hope not.

On one of our drives there it was such an awesome night to have the top down on the PT. The air wasn’t humid but it was refreshing like a nice summer night should be. As we turned a corner I caught a van out of the corner of my eye heading in the opposite direction and I suddenly freaked out. I spun my head around so quickly Diane must have thought I was going to break my neck in the process. I had thought I had seen a good friend of ours "Nancy" pass us at the corner and it freaked me out. I can only assume she didn’t see me or I was mistaken of who it was, or maybe she was just being nice.

To think I could get that freaked out must seem funny to some but I now think that might actually be part of the PTSD and hopefully that at least helps me move forward.


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