Jul 9, 2007

Vacations over dammit

Well another week vacation comes to a close and it is time to come back to the real world. Thank god I’ve been here long enough that I earn almost 5 weeks a year because if I had to live with 1 week off I don’t know what I’d do. It was a relaxing yet busy week for Dee and I and I had a few milestones that I am happy about.

I’m finally working at breaking the final fears I had in getting myself out in public and living life. I cannot explain why but for whatever reason I couldn’t even wear a pair of girls jeans in public without freaking out. Well I am happy to report I’ve started changing some of my daily wardrobe over and hopefully it won’t be much longer that I can focus on fulltime as my goal instead of fear.

Tuesday we decided to head up to Meredith NH, enjoy lake Winnipesaukee. The idea was to simply go up walk around down town and end up at a local restaurant we like Hart’s Turkey Farm. If you are ever in the lakes region of NH and want a good turkey dinner with all the fixins Harts rocks.

The weather was great and I decided to wear as much female clothing as possible and just go. I put on a pair of jeans, a top, and sandals, got in the car and went. When we first got their I was terrified, after all what would people think when they saw me and then there was the biggest concern what if I had to hit the bathroom.

It took me a few minutes to get my bearings and get out of the car but I did and I have to admit I was surprised, I’d gotten no odd looks that I noticed and Dee said the same.. No one is paying any mind. It’s sad to think that something so simple can be such a terrifying thing to have to deal with. I once told my counselor it feels just as terrifying to me as my fear of heights does with all the same symptoms. The sad part is that I don’t have to look over the side of a cliff to live a normal happy life.

The inevitable happened, I needed a bathroom as well as Dee. As we walked around searching for a restroom we ended up in a gas station/Deli and as luck would have it it was a unisex bathroom, so that put me at ease.

All in all it was a nice day and a big milestone for me so I am happy, it is the start of the final hump in beating this and just finally living my life the way it should be.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Thursday morning we decided to go for bagel and enjoy a quiet morning. Running on the momentum of Tuesday I decided it was a good chance to jump right back in and do it again. So I through my nice jeans on a t-shirt and headed out. Again for the most part I don’t think I got any odd looks, but when I sat down at the table I did notice one girl intently staring at me. I don’t know if she was trying to figure me out, thought she knew me or totally just read me but it certainly made me feel a bit insecure. The fact is though …nothing happened from it ..

Insecurity has been a funny thing and I’m simply not used to it. When I was young I was pretty introverted and came out of my shell as I became a teenager. Playing in bands and such helped me beat that and I had found a certain amount of comfort in my confidence. This has been a huge readjustment for me as I’m not used to feeling like I’m always being stared at now. The bottom line is that I can’t wait to finally feel comfortable in life.

Saturday was the climactic part of the week for me personally as we decided to spend time with some friends of ours who knew. We decided to go to the zoo with them for the day, which was nice. The weather was amazing and we always enjoy being around their kids. Their kids know what’s going on with me and they treated me just as they always had which was totally awesome. The major impact wouldn’t come until later that night.

We decided to get the pup and being him over, order out and have a few drinks. As the alcohol took effect the conversation started to switch towards me and the questions they all had. At times I joked that I felt like I was in the hot seat but the fact is it was a reasonably comfortable conversation.

I think the most touching part for me was when I was asked by their daughter what I wanted to her to call me now and my answer was, "call me whatever you are comfortable calling me for now" I couldn’t shock them too much all at once. But without missing a beat she decided to call me Kay all on her own. I walked out feeling pretty good and being really thankful for their friendship. My only worry comes in the form of my friend as he finally admitted it has been bothering him a bit that he feels like he is losing a good friend. All I can do is reassure him I’m still the same person fort he most part and that won’t change …

At one point I was told that they actually "see it" now. It kind of surprised me as it wasn’t something I thought I would hear from them….

Yesterday was a day of rest which I severely needed as my body is beat up from hiking, sun and exercice. Maybe being back to work means it is time to recuperate.


No comments: