Jul 27, 2007

What a week!

Been a weird week or sorts for me. I’ve been sitting on some news that my friends know but I’ve yet to post here, I guess I just wanted something to myself for a little while. This past Sunday evening my daughter Jess gave birth to a bouncing baby girl .

Gianna (Our first grandchild) was 6lbs 9oz 19.5" long and has one heck of a full head of hair. The similarities in birth weight from Jess to Gianna are almost spooky. Jess was 6lbs 8 oz and 19" even when she was born.

Funny enough as a proud father when she was born I never forgot the details of her birth. May 21st 1985 1:08 am 6lbs 8 oz 19 inches long. I have to admit I was pretty impacted by the birth of my daughter and I fell in love the minute I saw her. While I have had a lot of turbulent times with Jess in recent years the fact still remains that she is the apple of my eye to this day. I may not have liked my daughter at times but I’ve never stopped loving her.

When the news of this pregnancy was first announced I was very hurt and reserved. I was hurt that my daughter wasn’t more established with her life with a better education and maybe more stability. I was reserved because I was afraid of getting attached to a grandchild that could at some point be taken out of our lives. I guess most people would feel that was a strange way to look at things but for most of my life that’s all I’ve known and it never gets any easier having a revolving door, if anything it gets harder. The last 3 years have been murder on my soul. I’d missed my daughter terribly and had wished she would do a turn around and finally show me that she actually cares about me and that she really loves me. It’s been tough having someone you love so dearly totally ignore you as though your life and everything you’ve done means nothing to them….it had led to many sleepless nights and one emotional crash.

I was unsure of how I would feel about Gianna and I guess that was something that really bothered me. I was worried about my daughter and I hadn’t been terribly impressed with her choice in men. When it came time to finally embrace this whole thing I did so with a lot of fear and emotion. But when I walked into the hospital room and my granddaughter was there in the bassinet my heart melted.

I guess it finally hit me that she is part of my legacy and most importantly part of the family that I’d so missed having in my life. She is directly blood related to me, something I really don’t have very much of in a positive way. She is most definitely another apple in my eye and I already love her dearly. So it’s safe to say in 20 years when you ask me about Gianna I’ll be able to tell you she was born July 22nd 2007 at 4:05 pm, she was 6 lbs 9 ox, 19 inches long and a full head of hair. Why would I be able to remember that so easily in 20 years? Because I remember every aspect of Jessica’s birth 22 years ago and I love her dearly .. Gianna is and will be no different. I wish the new family the best of luck and am blessed to be a part of it.

On a side note I have had a bit of a rough personal week With the delivery of the new grandchild came the notion that everybody was allowed to call me "grandpa". I guess it shouldn’t be a big deal, they really don’t mean anything by it and a lot of them don’t know what is up with me yet. Still it wasn’t something I’d anticipate and the fact is that it has really been messing with my head in a bad way. I never expected in a million years that a simple name would cause me so much turmoil. I guess it really doesn’t fit in with who I am anymore….

Lastly in an email to my wife a good friend of ours referred to me as "she" and my wife decided I needed to see it. I have to admit I was pretty elated that someone else cared about me that much to be so easily accepting. I guess it wasn’t all bad this week.

Maybe later I’ll tell ya about my stair injuries!


Emily said...
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Emily said...

first... a big congratulations to you and to Dee. :o)
i've already told you so, but wanted to say that here as well.

i am happy to know that you have fallen head over heels in love with your new baby granddaughter. she is a precious precious innocent, your blood and your daughter's, and if the tides of the past can be turned and calmed... well here is your opportunity.

the "grandpa" thing... i wondered about that and how you would feel about that.
perhaps down the road as little Gianna grows and comes to know you and Dee as her two rockin' Grannies that will pass and become un-important. how lucky she is to not only have her darling Mother, but two amazing women in her life that are her Grandmothers.