This blog is going to be a hard one for me to write and expose but on the flip side it is about time it was told in its entirety and truthfully. The only people that fully know this story are the people that it involved and at that I’m sure others would deny that ever happened. At any rate here it is.
Back in 1989 in an effort to make a better life with my family I made a deal with the devil of sorts. After years of a rough relationship with my mom I made the decision to go in on a house with her mainly to get my daughter into a better atmosphere and out of the city. The initial idea was to purchase a duplex so each family would have their privacy. The positives to this was that Jess would be able to grow up with her grandmother there and have a much better life. The problem arose when we realized that Most duplexes had turned into condex’s and they had really increased in price. This led to us making a decision to buy a home together.
Most people would think this would be a recipe for disaster but I figured we could make it work as we worked totally different shifts. I have to admit that in retrospect it was a bad idea.
When I was younger I had a passion for photography. I took it in Junior High and had a nice 35 mm camera as well as a dark room setup for many years. I guess that’s never changed, I still love it but I rarely take the time to practice it as I should anymore.
One weeknight after taking a bunch of pictures of Diane modeling for me (FULLY CLOTHED!) Diane thought it would be cute if I got dressed up and she could take a few of me and reluctantly I did this for her. I say reluctantly because it was during a period of trying to figure myself out and I wasn’t comfortable with the Gender Identity issues. But I loved my wife and I thought this would be fun. My only request because I didn’t want those photos developed in a lab was that we used a Polaroid instead. We had our little photo session, Diane got her pictures that she wanted just for herself and we both had a cute little secret.
In our bedroom we had a water bed with a mirrored headboard that had shelving on each side of the bed. On the shelving we kept our alarm clock, various memoirs of our years together and CD’s for the stereo. The pictures were placed under the CD’s so we would know where they were and they were out of sight.
When things had fallen apart with my mother and our interactions turned to nastiness I got hit with a restraining order removing me from my home. It’s a story I will get into depth in another blog when I am ready. What this did was give my mom unobstructed access to my belongings thus finding the hidden pictures. When our possessions were returned to us through a court order the pictures were mysteriously missing, I would later find out why.
In order to keep my family safe I was advised by my attorney to take out a restraining order on my mom to prevent her from doing anything to my daughter. The restraining order not only protected my daughter but was to assure I would not be harassed by my mother directly or indirectly through friends, it is a shame they never work.
Back around that time the drummer and my friend Rick from my old band managed a pharmacy that we used as a rehearsal space on the second floor. During the day Ricky would manage the store and then let us in to jam at night, so he was always at the store and that was always the easiest way to get hold of him. This would be the avenue my mom would use to do dirt.
I received a phone call from my friend Rick informing me that my mom had come in to send me a message that she intended to pick up her granddaughter that weekend and if I didn’t comply the consequences would be swift. She made it a point to let me know through my friend that I either did as she told or the pictures would be revealed without actually telling anyone what was in the pictures.
My response was simple and swift. I have a restraining order that states she cannot have contact with my daughter. When she heard this she was angered to the point of threatening me that "When she was done with me I wouldn’t have a daughter"
Those were hard times for me. I was being blackmailed with something that was such a deep core of my personality that it scared me beyond belief. I was afraid of what my friends would thing of me after seeing something about me they knew nothing of, nothing that would be easily understood either.
I never succumbed to her threats and stood up even under the duress of what might come and I’m proud to say that I made it through a very rough time. Not long after that she tried to contact Diane’s parents to try and show them the photos and turn them against me. It was another failed attempt at trying to destroy me. I carried that burden for a very long time having it as one of the reasons I had been so afraid to seek help. To this day those pictures have never surfaced but at least now I understand myself enough to not be afraid of them…
I’m not proud of them, but I am who I am