First True Flight

Wing's spread and a new dove has taken to the sky and flown for the
first time!!

It's Monday and I'm on cloud nine (Which is rare for me on a Monday (LOL). Saturday Morning was Dee's day to open Curves as she works there every other week. She rolled out of bed extremely early which was very out of character for her on a Saturday. As she showered I slowly came too and decided to ask her if she would like to go grab breakfast with me before she had to work. Generally she hates to do this and I naturally assumed I would get the usual no, I was so surprised to hear "sure!" So I got ready to head out.

I had it in my mind Saturday Morning that it was going to be a special day and I can say it lived up to my expectations. The plan I had made with her was to hit an old favorite breakfast spot with her and then I would drop her off at curves, I would then pick her up when she was
ready to come home. Lately I've changed my jeans over to strictly girl's jeans as I had planned on phasing out my boy jeans when they wore out. Lately the boy jeans have been dropping like flies and I needed to buy more so the obvious was to replace them as I went.

I had set the goal Sat morning that if I got maam'ed, ladies or any other female pronoun that this was going to be my day. We made it through breakfast without once hearing a female salutation and then as we were leaving there it was, have a nice day ladies … It was what I
needed for my confidence for the day. I dropped Dee off and Curves, headed home, hit the shower and got ready for the day.

At 10 am when it was time to go pick her up as I drove into the lot she noticed me in the car with a big smile on her face and remarked "you look great!" We made a decision to head up to the Tilton NH outlets as they have a GAP and I still need some more jeans. It's a nice sized outdoor mall with some upscale stores about 40 minutes north of us.

One of the issues I had been having with getting out was the appearance of Anxiety attacks. This was one of the most paralyzing parts of trying to go out as me. I'm not sure why but I can only assume it is because I'm more bared as me, there is no hard shell hiding me from the world
anymore at that point. I've been afraid that I would get confronted, ridiculed or would be seen as a "dude trying to pass as a girl" and then there was the issue of using the bathroom. It had gotten to the point that my Dr was recommending Xanax to get me over the anxiety but I've always been one that stayed clear of pills as much as possible.

As we drove towards the highway kidding around I told Dee I wish I had done a few shots of tequila and low and behold she thought that was a good idea. It wouldnt be to get drunk or impaired, just enough to take the edge off of my nerves. It worked!

When we got to the outlets the fear started setting in and all at once I just turned and got out of the car, Diane's jaw just dropped and she followed behind. She asked if I wanted to go into the gap and I said no, that I just wanted to walk the outside of the mall first and get used to being around people. As I became acclimated we entered a Wilson's leather where Diane bought herself a new wallet. We even interacted with the people working there. On the way back the Tequila had finally hit me enough that I needed a bathroom and there's no way in hell I can go in a men's room (I'm very uncomfortable in them anyway) so Diane went in with me to make sure I would be alright.

The last stop we made was the GAP outlet looking for jeans and they had none of the ones I prefer. Diane looked at me and remarked that it was too bad after all this but I explained to her that no matter what this trip had been worth it for me. Back to the car and off towards home we headed. As we were discussing what had just happened and the barriers I broke for myself I
broke down in tears. It was probably the single most emotional moment in this whole transition and while people might think that I'm crazy, they were nothing more than tears of joy.

We decided on the drive home that we might as well take advantage of what had just happened and grab dinner out, Dee picked Cracker Barrel. When we got there I was trying to figure out how to get the nerve up when my cell phone rang and it was Jessica. Without meaning too or
knowing it she had actually helped me be calm enough to walk into the restaurant as she chatted away. I used it as a good distraction to keep me calm as I navigated through a busy restaurant. Dee and I had a nice leisurely meal and then headed home for the evening. I rode the high the entire night that I had finally accomplished what I needed.

Sunday morning we needed to get up early and meet my cousin for our monthly breakfast. Figuring that I had started Sat I might as well just continue with the momentum and make this a normal routine, So I did it again and this time it was even easier. :o)

I cannot begin to describe the weight lifted from my shoulders this weekend. I'm feeling as though I will finally be able to start letting go of the old and embracing the norm. This was such a success for me on so many levels. I finally see light in the tunnel …

~K~

Activisim begins at home

With my local paper running a series on Transgender people and everything ounce of news regarding the same has inundated us lately it set me to thinking. While Activism in its present form isn't a bad thing what can we truly do to dictate permanent change. This isn't to say that
we shouldn't be proud of who we are or what we stand for in the moment.

This past weekend my wife and I were lucky enough to have our granddaughter overnight for the first time. To say we were "tickled pink" by the idea would have been an understatement, we both adore Gianna and are addicted to spending time with her as she grows. She as a
child already has such an infectious smile.

In having our granddaughter and laying the groundwork for our weekend my wife decided it might be cool to have her professional pictures done and so, we made an appointment for Sat. We are very happy with how they turned out and in the process of getting ourselves a nice 8 X 10 for our living room, we decided to get an additional sheet of two 5x7's (One for my inlaws and one for Jess). Saturday evening Jess was working at her job so the idea was to get a nice frame, wrap it up and deliver it to her at work as a surprise hoping this would make her night.

When we arrived at her job I got out of the car and headed to the front door (She works in a yet to be opened major home improvement retailer). Just inside the door were 3 men having a discussion and noticed me coming towards the door and immediately one started waving me off to let me know they weren't open yet. As the automatic doors opened and as we were able to speak directly I explained to him that I had been looking for my daughter Jess. He nodded and told me her would call her down to the front and I told him I'd be outside the door in the car.

As Jess approached she spoke to Dee first telling her that the men thought they scared her out of the building and naturally Dee had no idea what she was talking about. When the truth came to light the assumption was made that I was Jess's mom by the individual that had come and spoken to me, needless to say we all had a good laugh over it. When I asked Jess later if she told them that I wasn't her mom she admitted she had and told then it was her dad. She said they were all shocked and couldn't believe it believing me to be female. Jess explained to them that her Dad was Transgender and transitioning.

So how does all of this relate to the subject of this blog?

When Jess was a child she was aware of my difference. While she hadn't been aware of the depth of it or the so-called birth defect, she was aware of my gender variance. She was raised in an open way that she should be respectful and open to all people of difference. We as a society and as a human race are subject to difference by design, it keep our culture rich and interesting. To teach a child to not have tolerance to any individual or anything termed different would not only be irresponsible, it would be wrong.

Any lesson we teach our children is a value that we hope will stick into their adult life and then we simply hope all of those lessons add up to good or at best decent acceptable parenting. All of this will hopefully result in an adult that as a parent we can be proud to set free into
society.

As Jess has grown her understanding of diversity and tolerance has not only stuck with her but created deep roots as seen in her interaction with her co-workers. Regardless of whether her dad is transgender, black, disabled or whatever the fact, she is proud of her family. In being proud of where she came from she had no problem saying, "Hey my dad's transgender and she is transitioning to female as though it was a natural part of her day. I only hope that her positive attitude about me results in people being positive to her for feeling comfortable with it.

In her comfort with not only who she is, but also who I am, we can then assume that those lessons will rub off on my granddaughter as she grows and becomes an adult. Effectively what this does generation to generation is make subjects such as these a non-issue.

Any way you slice it that has to be one of the best forms of activism on the planet,
creating future change.

Think about it
~K~

Local New Article

Here's an Article in our local paper about a girls transition. Some of
her story seems to parallel the same things in my life which is always
amazing to me. What really stands out is that the counselor in this
story is my Dr ...

http://www.nashuatelegraph.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080120/NEWS01/553242237

~K~

Great Reference on how to be respectful to a transgender person

For those who may come here looking to learn more about GID this
reference article is a great starting point. If you know someone dealing
with this, a friend, sibling or even a co-worker, this will help you in
your interactions with them and it will show them how much you really
care about them.

How to Respect a Transgender Person

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

If you have recently learned of a transgender person in your life, you might not understand their identity and you may be unsure of how to act around them without offending or hurting their feelings. The term "transgender person" in this article means a person who does not fully identify with the gender they were assigned with at birth. There are transgender people all over the world (e.g. US, Mexico,[1] India[2]) and in a wide variety of cultures (e.g. Native American,[3] Thai[4]). For such people, it is not always easy to explain their gender situation in today's society. Here's how to understand and respect someone who challenges your ideas about gender, and who does not easily fall within the category of "male" or "female".

Steps

1. Thank them. It is very hard to come out to people as transgender. They trust and/or respect you very much to have come out to you. Thank them for trusting you; it will mean a lot to them, because you mean a lot to them.
   
2. Respect their gender identity. Think of them as the gender they refer to themselves as and refer to them with their chosen name and gender pronoun (regardless of their physical appearance) from now on. (Unless they are not out, or tell you otherwise. Ask to be sure if or when there are times it is not okay.)
   
3. Watch your past tense. When talking of the past don't use phrases like "when you were a previous gender" or "born a man/woman," because many transgender people feel they have always been the gender they have come out to you as, but had to hide it for whatever reasons. Ask the transgender person how they would like to be referred to in the past tense. One solution is to avoid referencing gender when talking about the past by using other frames of reference, for instance "Last year", "When you were a child", "When you were in high school", etc. If you must reference the gender transition when talking about the past, say "before you came out as current gender", or "Before you began transitioning" (if applicable).
   
4. Use language appropriate to the person's gender. Ask what pronouns the transgender person prefers to have used in reference to them and respect that choice. For example, someone who identifies as a woman may prefer feminine words and pronouns like she, her, actress, waitress, etc. A person who identifies as a man may prefer masculine terms like he, his, etc. Other transgender people may prefer that you avoid the use of "gendered" language by using gender neutral pronouns such as ze, zir, sie, hir, etc.[5] Use the name they ask you to use.
   
   • Your friend Jack has just come out as a transgender person, and now wishes to be called Mary. From this point on, you do not say "This is my friend Jack, I've known him since grade school." Instead, you say, "This is my friend Mary, I've known her since grade school." Table any awkwardness you feel for another time when you and Mary can talk privately. Definitely, if you want to remain friends, you will need to respect Mary's wishes and address her as who she is today, not the person you used to know.
     
   
   
5. Don't be afraid to ask. Many transgender people will be happy to answer most questions, and glad you are taking an interest in their life. Don't expect the transgender person to be your sole educator. It is your responsibility to inform yourself. EXCEPTION: Questions about genitalia, surgeries, and former names should usually only be asked if you NEED to know in order to provide medical care, are in a sexual relationship with the transgender person, or need the former name for legal documentation.
   
6. Respect the transgender person's need for privacy. Do not out them without express permission. Telling people you are transgender is a very difficult decision, not made lightly. "Outing" them without their permission is a betrayal of trust and could possibly cost you your relationship with them. It may also put them at risk, depending on the situation, of losing a lot - or even being harmed. They will tell those they want to, if or when they are ready.
   
7. Don't assume what the person's experience is. There are many different ways in which differences in gender identity are expressed. The idea of being "trapped in a man/woman's body", the belief that trans women are hyperfeminine/trans men are hypermasculine, and the belief that all trans people will seek hormones and surgery are all stereotypes that apply to some people and not to others. Be guided by what the person tells you about their own situation, and listen without preconceived notions. Do not impose theories you may have learned, or assume that the experience of other trans people you may know or have heard of is the same as that of the person in front of you.
   
8. Recognize the difference between gender identity and sexuality. Do not assume that their gender has anything to do with sexuality -it doesn't. There are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and asexual transgender people, just as there are non-transgender people of all orientations. If the person comes out to you about their sexual orientation, use the terms they use.
   
9. Treat them the same. While they may appreciate your extra attention to them, they don't particularly appreciate you making a big deal of them. After you are well-informed, make sure you're not going overboard. Transgender people have essentially the same personalities as they did before coming out. Treat them as you would anybody else.
   

Tips

• This condition is known medically as Gender Dysphoria, but there is much contention about this issue. Some believe the problem lies in society's refusal to acknowledge the variations of sex and gender present in nature (including human beings).
  
• Asking about peoples' genitals and how they have sex is not appropriate, in the same way that asking cisgendered (people born in the sex they identify as) people how they have sex is not appropriate.
  
• It's rude to ask what their "real" name or birth name was -- the name they have chosen to suit their gender (if they have done so) is their real name, and they want you to think of them that way. Asking about past names only puts them on the spot, and you don't need to know it.
  
• Everyone is different and most transgender people will be glad to answer any questions - but if they are uncomfortable answering, or don't want to, then let it go. If you need to know, use the resources below.
  
• Not all transgender people get a sex change (SRS, or Sexual Reassignment Surgery or gender confirmation surgery), so don't automatically think that is the plan. Don't assume that it's appropriate to ask about a person's plans for surgery, hormones, and so forth, any more than you would pry into someone else's medical affairs.
  
• If you slip up early on and say "she" or "he" when you meant the other, don't apologize too much, just follow the mistake with the right term and continue what you were saying.
  
• There is no "cure" for being transgender, except to correct the physical appearance to match the mental gender identity. There is a problem with the body, not the mind.
  
• Websites like PlanetOut or MySpace have transgender groups, or other sections for transgender people; go to them to talk to people or learn more.
  

Warnings

• Do not call their transsexuality or transgenderness a "choice." Whether you believe it is a choice or not, transgender people themselves generally do not feel that it is a choice. If you want to respect them, it's not helpful to treat their situation as a choice (even if you personally believe it is).
  
• Do not compare them to a non-transgender person by calling that person a "real" or "normal" girl/boy. What makes a man a "real" man or a woman a "real" woman is their mind/brain, not their body. A transman is no less a real man and a transwoman is no less a real woman; the only difference is that their body does not match their gender.
  
• Never tell them that people will not understand or love them because they were not born the right gender outside. It hurts very badly, and is not true. Many, if not most, transgender people are understood, accepted and loved.
  
• Even if you have objections to transgenderedness, you should always respect the person and never willfully embarrass them publicly. Embarrassing or humiliating the person does no good for anyone.
  
• Avoid the use of pornography industry phrases like "tranny" and "shemale." These terms are considered very offensive, as they imply a connection between the person you are talking to and pornography. Also avoid mainstream heteronormative terms like "he-she."
  
• “Intersex” is a general term used for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with reproductive and/or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male, [6] While some intersex people are also transgender, the two are not the same and should not be conflated. [7]
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Accept That Someone Close to You Is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender
  
• How to Come to Terms With Being Transgender As a Teen
  
• How to Have Respect for Yourself
  
• How to Observe the Day of Silence
  
• How to Be Respectful of Your Family
  
• How to Date a Bisexual
  

Sources and Citations

• Demonstrating Respect by Chloe Prince
  

1. ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muxe


2. ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hijra_%28South_Asia%29


3. ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winkte


4. ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kathoey


5. ↑ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender-neutral_pronoun#New_pronouns_in_English


6. ↑ http://www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex


7. ↑ http://www.survivorproject.org/is-intro.html

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Respect a Transgender Person. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Looking worn out

As you can see by the previous few pictures time had been taking a toll on my well being.  These pictures were taken around Jan 18th to the 20th of 2005. By that point in my life my daughter had not only moved out of the house but to Florida and we had been estranged for some time. During the weeks after these photos were taken my emotional well being had really started to decline. One thing you can always note is that I really never cared much about my appearance. Facial hair had always been a drain on my emotions and yet every time I would start into a decline, I would stop shaving for days and sometimes weeks at a time. I simply didn't care.

Back then I knew what was dragging me down, I just figured there was nothing I could do about it or at least not in a constructive way. Looking back on the years I've had my gains as a male, my wife, my daughter and my career. It was quite obvious that I had painted myself into a corner of not being able to take care of myself. As men we try and make things as normal as possible hoping somewhere along the line things will either change or it will just magically go away.

In my teens I was a bit of a womanizer, my only goal was to "get laid". While most teens set out on that path as a hormonal thing for me an added dimension was the gender identity issue. I was going to prove to myself one way or another I was a "man" In doing this I was lucky enough to meet the girl would would later become my wife. For whatever reason back then she saw a quality in me that I hadn't seen in myself. In my conquering nature we ended up becoming parents at a very young age and set off to raise our daughter together with the hope in the back of my mind that Dee was all I would ever need, she was the magic cure.

Everything I wanted in Dee was everything I could not have in myself. I would constantly push her to wear feminine things, do her makeup more often and just do more girlish things. This was no easy task for her because as beautiful as she is, she was always a tomboy at heart and still is to this day. She would much rather hang with the guys then to shop with women. I has always assumed that if I had everything feminine that I felt about myself in her that it would somehow be enough to fill my life, sadly I would be searching for that inner peace bug without success for a very long time.

We had our daughter, bought automobiles, bought a home, built careers and I played in numerous bands through out all of this. In doing so the deeper into life I got the more cemented in the male world I began to feel. When you owe your soul to your wife, children, banks, works and friends it becomes very hard to substantiate any kind of roadmap towards fixing yourself with issues such as GID. As I look back on it my biggest fear was becoming unemployable and not being able to provide to my family. It was not being able to be a father to my beautiful little girl and most of all not being the man my wife deserved.

In those days it would seem in any direction I turned there would be a wall in the way of any path to that inner peace I seek. I know understand that my only true fear should have been what I would do if I didn't find that inner peace. While the world looks at this issue in a negative light at times, I've finally learned that I'm better off being true to myself and alive than staying on the course I was on and not be here for the people who love me. It has been a hard lesson but I now understand this is essential to my well being.

When I look back on these pictures that I've posted I see these things an many more personal pains I would care not to remember. I am a much better person today for not only who I am now but who I was. While I won't miss being that person I certainly owe a lot to the path they took to get me to the present day

~K~

More old photos

These photos were taken Jan of 2005/ 8 months prior to my first sessions

Crazy weather and reflection

There is an old New England saying (I'll bet it's used in other parts of the country as well) that states. "If you don't like the weather just wait a minute" New England sits in the middle of 2 jet streams that have a tendency to collide pressure systems and create dynamic storms. Depending on the direction of the stream will result in how stormy it might be or even the temperature. Making it more complex is the fact that we sit on the coast of the Atlantic which helps feed some of the weather that rolls through. So far this winter has been anything but boring in these areas.

The later part of last week saw and increase in temperatures and rain resulting in a great deal of snow melt off. It actually got warm enough to break, no shatter records!! On Friday as we sat in our room we had the scare of a lifetime. Lighting hit not far outside our window causing our whole room to light up as though someone had shot a flashbulb off on a camera. What made this totally amazing to us was the fact that it lit the room up like Chevy Chase's Xmas vacation in broad daylight. Talk about one hell of a scare ..

I don't mind the mild weather even with the wild rain storms, heck I'd even love to live on a climate where it never snowed. To go from major rain to major snow and cold in just 2 days is nothing short of amazing. Monday morning we received somewhere in the area of another 10"-12" of snow again. At this point I'm beginning to think old Mother Nature is either a big joker or she simply has a split personality. When we arose at 5 am to look out and see everything covered yesterday it just seemed easier to call in to work and stay home than to fight driving in the mess, needless to say we had an off day yesterday.

As you have seen I've made a bit more of an effort to step out of my shell recently and post some pictures. I think this was something that has been really helpful into making who I am a normal part of life and I've been embracing it more than ever lately. What has been amazing to me is the positive reaction that I've gotten from people who have seen these pictures. It's taken me time to start seeing what I needed to see in the mirror but I can assure you that as much as I love the compliments I am a typical girl in the sense that I totally hate pictures of myself. I'm always very critical of my appearance!! I actually told Diane on Friday that if I gave into and thought I looked like what people have said then I'd feel really shallow and vain.

While I don't want to look vain,shallow or high maintenance I can tell you what I see in my pictures now. I see eyes that show signs of life for the first time in a long time. I also see happiness and personal contentment. Most of all I do see a girl now which is probably the single most freeing feeling I could have over image. Finally I see signs of something that I'd never though I would ..

"Inner Peace"

Whenever my wife would ask me what I needed or what I was looking for I always stood on that premise, Inner Peace. This was the same thing I told my counselor in the very first session. If there was anything I wanted to gain in life it was that. I'd spent my life feeling inner turmoil every waking moment, it was only natural to want to be at peace ... While I'm not there, I am definitely walking down that path and see it within my reach now ..

~K~

Dee and Karyn .. 2008

Me and my soulmate. I could never have believed that I could be so lucky to not only fall in love with her, but have her love me all through this change.

~K~

Side by side

I wanted to do a side by side to allow the differences to be seen . The left was a cruise in 2001 and the right was this past Saturday

The old me

Here's an older picture to show the changes. This was taken about 2-3 months prior to my first counseling sessions

This one was right after my first sessions

Primary Day

Well it is primary day in NH and I’m happy it is almost over. While I totally understand the stakes in this race I have to admit I’m a little sick of being stuck in the middle of all the hustle and national coverage. Sunday during one of our weekly breakfast runs to our favorite diner we spent the entire meal sitting next to a Boston (WBZ) news crew interviewing patrons about their political views.

This isn’t the first time this has happened to us, this also happened at a little diner up in Manchester NH that we frequent. As we were sitting eating our breakfast Gov Bill Richardson campaign and news crew came into the diner. It seems like the tiny state of New Hampshire suddenly comes alive every 4 years.

Upon returning home this Sunday we received no less than 3 calls from Hillary Clinton campaign inviting us to her final rally Monday night and it was by list only, if you didn’t get your name on the list you couldn’t attend. .. Needless to say my wife and I declined the invite.
I have received a couple of comments on the pictures I recently posted that really hit me. They were so positive that it helps put things further into perspective for me. I want to personally thank those people for the comments because they were unsolicited and to be, an unsolicited comment is a genuine comment! I am of the belief that if it was something negative then they simply would not take the time to post so it doesn’t get much more basic than that!

In the coming days at the advice of a friend I will be going through some old photographs and hopefully get some before and after shots up to show the changes. I think the difference is something that can certainly help other people going through this issue. I’ve come a long way since Aug of 2005, so if I can do it then anyone can.

I was discussing this with my friend Annah yesterday and mentioned how just 2 years ago I couldn’t even discuss this issue with someone else, now I am able to post pictures and not feel bad about it. The old saying "You’ve come a long way baby" is certainly fitting in this circumstance.

Until next time Keep Rockin
~K~

Family fun

This was time well spent with my daughter and grand daughter this weekend. I had a blast and hopefully the picture conveys the happiness.

~K~

1st 08 photo

One of the things I'd said was that I would try and post newer pictures of the changes. So as promised here is the first picture of 08 from New Years....Hope it does me justice...

~K~

2008 will be my year

Ok as previously mention the last blog was a sort of flush of the old year and this one should be a focus of the New Year. Not that much changes of interest or we cannot predict the future the things I’m about to write are going to be the focus (Hopefully successful) for the coming months.

HRT~ I already have taken my first blood test of the New Year and have my first Dr’s appointment coming up. The nice thing for me now is that my Dr is now in her own practice and she is a Trans Girl that had her surgery last summer. This means she not only has a profound understanding of what I am going through but she knows exactly what to look for in the process. During my last appointment she made a sort of push to get me to start using my new name at the office. (Her exact words were, you need to get used to it) Generally because all my legal medical info and Insurance are in my male name, that’s how I have been presenting there as to not cause confusion. My first goal of 2008 is to go to my next Dr’s visit wearing "Normal" clothes. While I’m not sure I have the courage to do this yet, I’m trying to have positive focus

**Normal Clothes** is what Dee refers too as me wearing female attire, she now considers my male clothing "drag" and makes no effort to hide that. If anything she hates that I still hold onto it

Visual~ As I’ve stated recently, I am finally seeing myself as female in the mirror more consistently. It’s has been the single worst emotion to deal with internally over the past year. In seeing this in myself now, it means that I’m becoming more comfortable with myself visually. What I’m hoping to start doing with this blog over the coming months will be to start sharing pictures of myself more and maybe even show older photos to show the differences.

I have a few friends who have stated to me at various times that it is an interesting process to watch unfold. I guess from a scientific stand point that is true, even if it takes a lot to follow someone you care about throughout the twists and turns. If anything I’m hoping it helps someone else whom is dealing with the same issues as I am.

Getting out as me~ This will be a huge goal for me this year. I think being somewhat stalled has had a negative impact on my daily happiness. I’ve noticed that the more improvement I am able to achieve, the better my mood is. Remove any forward movement or step backwards and I end up feeling down. I know what the inevitable is in this whole thing, I need to make sure I step up and do something about it. The more I am able to accomplish this, the more free I will end up feeling.

Name Change~ The focus of this goes hand in hand with getting out, I can’t change my name if I’m not out and I can’t be me full time if I don’t change my name (Let’s face it this has caused me grief already). I knew back in Sept on my trip to Chicago that this would need to happen fairly soon. Having a hard time getting through airport security or even getting into a bar using my male ID has caused issues. The more changes that happen to my appearance and the more grief I’ll get. 3 days ago we were comparing a newer picture of me to my old driver license photo. Upon comparing the two Dee looked at me and told me that it was really time to get a new ID, there’s too many changes form then to now.

My Ultimate goal for this is the first quarter of 08 but in all honesty that might be a bit unattainable. So what I’m laying the groundwork for is hopefully the first quarter of 08 no later than summer 08.

Some people might think it is easy to just jump and do it but the process seems to be one of a lot of work all at one time. Once filing for the name change all your affairs need to be readied for your big court date. Once you leave court with your new name you are no longer legally allowed to use your old name. This means it is better to plan on changing your legal documents all in the same day (Drivers License, Social Security, Bank Accounts) it would seem like you have a lot to get done quickly. The last part of that will be that work will need to be notified of the change date to change all my records over. It sounds like a very large task to complete quickly. The one thing I’m curious over is the deed to my home and how that is handled so if you’re reading this and you know the answer please email me.

Electrolysis~ As anyone that transitions from Male to Female one of the obstacles we need to overcome is facial hair. Let's face it, that is one of the most identifiable male traits going and one I hated deeply. At the point I'm at now I've had 2 years worth of laser treatments that eliminated virtually all my dark coarse hair. (YAY!) The sad part of this is that the laser does not affect gray hair and unfortunately at my age I have some. I still have gray from my chin down to my neck. My saving grace in this is that my hair is almost pure white and doesn't show unless I do not shave it for several days.

The beginning of 08 I need to find a good local person to finish removing it the conventional way ..1 hair at a time. I'm not looking forward to the pain but I am looking forward to being completely free of facial hair ....

Guitar~ What I don’t think I’ve ever discussed much on this blog before are my outside interests. One of the main loves I’ve had most of my life is guitar. This past Dec marked 30 years since I got my first guitar and totally fell in love with the instrument. One of the things that I’ve missed the most is playing in a band and playing consistently. Before I had started my transition my guitar was always my way of coping with whatever I was going through at the time. As I started to hit my depression I had lost my love of playing nd had a creative block. I had felt I lost a strong part of my personality.

Once I started working on myself this block lifted and my passion started to return. Not a bad thing, it’s an awesome outlet. What creates the misery is my desire to play in a band again. It gets kind of tough being in limbo such as I am. Lets face it not too many people are willing to be accepting of TG people let alone someone in the middle of transition.
At this point I’d love to get back into it. I’d love to find a rock band that either will accept a TG guitarist or a girl band who would allow me to just try and blend in and concentrate on playing again. So hopefully somehow 2008 will reopen this door for me. If you are in a band in Ma or NH and are interested in working with me, I’d love to hear from you …

This Blog~ I am considering expanding this into a full website in the near future. My belief is that if I can help or educate just one person then I've had a good reason for doing this. I believe the sacrifice of being public is worth even one persons self worth. Hopefully I can make the time for this

As all of this unfolds and life grows a bit more normal I want to just awake everyday without this being the main topic of my life, I just want to live and feel normal without being concerned about these types of goals. What I do hope to do is continue having a presence in helping people and getting more involved, it was a promise I made to my friend when she helped me and it is just the right thing to do.

Lastly and most importantly we have decided to consider relocation a strong possibility now. This was discussed even in my latest counseling session this week and I’ve been gauging different real estate markets to see what may be possible. It would help me start fresh and live my new life as me without having the burden of people remembering the past life. Lately it seems the old life has been clashing with the new one more and more in other peoples interactions with me and it doesn’t help me move forward. Sometimes it seems like people just want the change to happen overnight and be done with it but I truly wonder if they will see who I am as opposed to who I was. While this decision will not be held lightly it is definitely one we feel we need to be open to now. I would surely miss the people I love but it would remove the burden we sometimes feel is being created in the process.

What needs to be in place is all the previous mentioned before this would happen, then we could simply start fresh. I would miss New England badly but at this point we aren’t seeing any other alternatives.

Hopefully 2008 will be a good one, if anything I’ll do my best to make it good
~K~

Happy New Year peeps

Hey, Happy New Year! I guess it has been a while since I last posted and I hope that anyone who actually reads this had a good holiday season. I haven’t posted in a while for various reasons and at one point I’ve even considered closing this blog down. I wrote a blog that apparently hurt some people in my family. While this was never my intention after walking away from the explosion it has left me second-guessing everything I write now. This in itself makes me wonder if it is worth keeping it open

So before I get rolling let me state the purpose of this blog.

It is a bit of therapy for me. It is a way for me to get my experiences out regarding my life and my transition. In some ways this is an avenue for me to purge my own thoughts and vent. While it is not meant to hurt others it isn’t about them, it’s about my feelings. What I find when I am not allowed to get those thoughts out is that I end up shutting down and closing in on myself. This was the perfect avenue to deal with all the environmental changes around hormones and transition. I cannot always please other people, on the flip side I cannot always allow people to shut me up either. It simply isn’t healthy for me.

This is probably the more important of the two for me. When I started my transition I not only had a hard time discussing it with the people around me, but I was very reserved about outing myself even on the Internet. It was a paranoia that I needed to overcome. When I met Annah she was willing to talk to me, point me in the right direction and most of all be there for the hardest parts. All she ever asked in return is that I give back in someway to make things easier for the people behind me. This blog was part of my way of giving back, educating and showing others that there is hope. I want people to know that this can be done in a positive way and that their lives a worth being happy. I want this site to have enough value that someone who may be lost in GID can see they are not alone. Lastly I want people who do not understand it to walk away with some education of what we have to go through and understand we are just human beings.

So with that said I would attempt to start a New Year with this blog and see how it goes. What I will say is that if I cannot speak my mind to help myself then I will simply call it a day and see if I can figure out how to deal with things. So off we go.
I wanted to take this time to talk about the past year and what the New Year could and should hold for me.

2007~ Has been a great year for me albeit sometimes painful at times.

HRT~ The hormones have done some wondrous work to me both emotionally and physically. My thought process has changed greatly and seems to be more in line with the way I normally think. I do not miss the chaotic feeling the testosterone gave me. My skin has softened beyond belief and I’m never anything short of amazed in the difference in the texture. I often run my hand over a soft spot that I hadn’t noticed before and get lost in how different it feels. It’s one of the nicest changes.

My breast development has continued to blossom and I can say I am currently a 38B now. From the things that I have read breast development is strongest in the first 2 years, this means January 2008 marks the turning point for what I can expect. In a recent BBC special about a teen transsexual they listed hormones at causing breast growth in only 50% of TG’s. If this number is fact then I will say that I have been one of the lucky ones. I still at times wish I had a little fuller breast but I don’t discount what I’ve already gotten.

Health~ Funny enough this is something that has changes a great deal for me. Before I started transition I would do whatever I could to avoid the Dr. I never took very good care of myself in a health care manner. In 2006 I researched HRT on my own and bought overseas hormones. This is something I do not recommend to anyone but I do understand why people do this. 2007 saw me getting the first physical help for my transition. What it has led to is seeing the Dr regularly as well as getting blood work done to make sure that both my hormone levels are good nut more importantly my body is staying healthy. I’ve seen the Dr more this past year than the entire previous 10 years combined.

Coming out~ Starting last Feb I told the first people in our family outside of our immediate family (My daughter and wife) I broke the news to the people closest to me and almost everyone except a very few know now. This has not only been empowering for me but at times hard for me to let go of the secret and hope I won’t be judged poorly. For the most part I’ve been accepted better than I expected but this hasn’t been without its faults at times. A few of these things did a number on me emotionally over the holidays.

I made a visit to see some friends in Chicago and while I never once went out wearing the proper clothes I was addressed and treated as Karyn the entire time. This was something that I will keep in my heart for a very long time and I hope my friends understand the gift they gave me in the process.

Appearance~ While I made very little progress in the changeover of my clothing I have gone from being sir’ed to Maam’ed 98% of the time now. It has been a strange process wondering how I’m being seen by others and it does play with the head quite a bit. I find it odd that I can go out in a male T-shirt, jeans and ball cap and get maamed yet my friends say they don’t see any changes. This has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with and is part of why I have such a hard time changing my clothes over. I recently told my wife that I thin k I am afraid to go out in female attire and get sir’ed That to me would be the a huge step back and do damage. Still, I’m sure it’s just my own personal fears. This is certainly like being caught between heaven and hell at times.

Visualization~ One of the things in this whole process is how we see ourselves in the mirror.. Between hormones and removal of facial hair it is a crazy thing to see in the mirror. At the end of the day we need to see ourselves visually as the gender we have in our minds, after all that is what this is really all about. It took a lot of 2007 for me to get to this point but I can honestly say most of the time I see female in the mirror now. I’m loving every minute of that as I’m feeling more at home as I see it. When 07 started this was one of the biggest downers for me, I never thought I’d see it because Kevin was just so strong in my mind. I love this change …

Family~ We became grandparents this year and I have to say this was hard on me. I did my best to not get involved as to not get hurt but in the end I have a beautiful granddaughter that I love dearly. I only hope I am able to be around and watch her grow up for a long time to come.


Dee~ When I started this transition my biggest fear was the reaction of my wife. While she told me she was supportive and she was here for the long haul it was tough to believe. The big fear in the back of my mind was that she would suddenly see that the changes were not ones that she had anticipated and I would no longer be the same person she loved. I’m happy to say this never materialized and in fact the dynamics of our relationship has changed drastically. While we are still soul mates and lovers we have now gained a new girlish friendship. This part of the whole process was something I’d never anticipated and I love immensely. This has strengthened the bond between us and I couldn’t ask for a better person to love.
At the end of this past year (last few weeks) I’ve finally found girls jeans that I can be comfortable enough wearing all the time. I’ve done this on several occasions now without that old fear that I would normally have. I’m hoping this is the start of a bigger 2008 for me in my growth. That growth is something that I will reserve for the next post.

For now, Happy New Year and I hope you all are healthy happy

~K~