Apr 25, 2008

Big Day

Well today was the day, I got off my duff and filed my name change paperwork today. I have to admit I'm a bit numb now and it hasn't quite sunk in yet. I'm happy that it's done but it is definitely hard letting go of the old secure blanket.

When we got to the courthouse it turned out that it was a great day to choose for this. There wasn't one person waiting for anything. I've never seen a courthouse so dead (like I've seen a lot of courthouses). I went in and handed the clerk my form and my letter of recommendation. I had to write a check for $80 for the filing fee and I was so nervous I couldn't even write my name. It was as though my hand simply would not work.

As we were doing this a woman from inside the probate office noticed Dee and came over to talk to her. Seems she is a member of the curves that Dee works at. No one at curves knows about what's up with me so I'm kind of concerned that rumors will start flying, Dee on the other hand could care less.

As we were leaving the 2 guards stopped Diane to chat. They had started a conversation on our way in and had found out that she was a federal employee so they were asking questions about the IRS. In all honestly it looked more to me like the younger guy was flirting with her. I'm not a jealous person but that will take me some time getting used too. I'm simply not a threat or a deterrent any longer for guys who want to approach her.

It'll take a few says for this to sink in, I know in my heart it is time but I also know I have 39 years invested in a person that really no longer exists ....

3 comments:

Sara said...

I had to stop making DS1 his breakfast just to say, 'Congratulations"! What a threshold to cross; now it is officially "official"! It sounds like it was a really good experience.

Goodbye Kevin. I never knew you, but I heard through mutual friends that you were an okay guy...

-Sara

Samantha said...

Rock on girlfriend!!! I know what an important step this is, and how good it feels too! So is everything said and done, or are they making you do the whole long process of publication and that kind of thing? Either way, this is great!!! I'm very, very happy for you!

Samantha said...

Something else that dawned on me. While he may no longer exist, he's still a part of you, your history. Gone maybe, but not forgotten. Like anyone we've ever lost in our lives, we are enriched by their presence in our lives. Honor his memory, what he brought to your life, and think of him as someone who believed so much in what he was doing, and the importance of protecting you, that he was willing to give his life for you.

One of the exercises a friend of mine suggested once was to write an obituary or eulogy for him, light a candle to mark his passing, and remember the good things he brought to your life. It turned out to be a very cathartic process for me.

Somewhere around I have what I wrote, and can dig it up if you want to read it. I think it's in an archive. It's kinda corny, based on Spock's eulogy in one of the Trek movies. Mainly because he was such a serious Trek fan.

Anyway, I guess it's the whole gone but not forgotten kinda thing.

You have one of the same advantages I had in my transition, you aren't starting over completely and denying your old life. The fact that you are growing, sharing who you really are, while not denying what you had to do to get here is awesome. Rock on Karyn!