Well I guess I’m feeling a little old today and to make matter worse I’m totally exhausted. Let me start by saying that my arm isn’t quite as bad as it felt yesterday which is a relief as I thought I might have injured a ligament or tendon. What I am feeling is the residual effects of being "out of shape". My legs, hips and back are all sore in addition to my already sore arm. I guess I need to get outdoors this year and be a little more active.
For the past 4 nights our younger shepherd has been keeping us awake. He has simply decided that he doesn’t want to be crated anymore. This wouldn’t be a big deal if he would just sleep on the bedroom floor but for whatever reason he doesn’t want too. He wants to roam free downstairs which to be quite honest, simply isn’t happening. So needless to say I’ve been kept awake by whining and barking all night long.
Today is shaping up to be a beautiful day and tomorrow is supposed to be a touch of summer. So far the warmer weather has been a bit harder for me to feel comfortable in. With the development of the "girls" and the fact that as it gets warmer we tend to wear lighter clothing it just isn’t something I’ve been able to find comfort in yet. Hopefully I can get over this exposed feeling soon so I can enjoy the weather more.
Sunday morning is our usual day to do grocery shopping. This past Sunday I needed to get stuff for Chili so I could bring it for the birthday party and then Dee and I decided it would be a salad week. We have been a bit naughty recently with our eating habits and the two of us are feeling toxic and well bloated. When this happens I always turn back to salads for several days to get my system back to normal. Since I had dropped the weight a few years ago I found myself being a lot more conscious of what foods I was eating. I have no desire to bloat back up to 200 lbs, I’m comfortable at 150.
One of the things I have noticed beyond my own comfort of not wanting to be overweight is the added concern over my appearance. This was something I was never worried about before because I simply didn’t care. It was in that not caring that got me to the 200 lbs to begin with.
A few weeks ago when my sister came over she remarked at how I’m so worried about my appearance now. Kev was never worried about how he looked so this was definitely a different side of me for her to take note of. So far I have to say she has been great being supportive as possible and regarding me as her new sister now. When I started this whole process I had no idea if she would be able to understand it or even accept it and I was worried about taking her little brother away. I have to say this hasn’t even become an issue.
I’ve gotten some nice letters from other Trans-women over the last few weeks, it’s nice to know that not only is my blog being read, but it is making a bit of a difference to others. Yesterday in an email with one of my local sisters I had mentioned that I wanted to get more involved as thing progressed, I wanted to make a difference for others and I wanted to give back. I received a nice little note back about her wanting to make it easier for others as well even at the expense of sharing our own pain. She then told me that I had been giving back in my own circle. After pondering that thought for a while I came to realize that she was right. "Thanks Cyn it was a sweet thing to say"
The intent of this blog was to show others that this can be a positive experience and you can do your best to live proud. Hopefully if it prevents even one person from sinking into the ultimate low then I’ve done some good. I’ve often sat and wondered if there was a purpose to being here and I wonder if our plight is a way of teaching the world about diversity and tolerance. If this could even be remotely true then every one of us has a responsibility to change the way we are perceived. If we each touch just one person then we’ve changed the world a little bit for the better.
The words of encouragement I’ve gotten over the past few weeks have really touched my heart. I only hope that one day this will be just a regular medical condition without the need for sensationalized press. Then people can get help with dignity without ever being judged. But for now we just need to be proud and unashamed.