Apr 12, 2008

Saturday after an emotionally charged week

What a dreary morning!! The rain is coming down and everything looks so gray. We had a touch of 70 degrees this past Wed, such a teaser. I'm sitting here by myself because my honey had to go work at curves and I'm contemplating running to the store to get the rest of what I need for tonight. We are having friends over tonight and I'm sitting here trying to figure out how much of Karyn needs to be out this time. 2 of my friends have been around the changes and they were totally cool, the other hasn't seen me in over 10 years. She knows about the change but it can always be nerve wracking to bare yourself to people who have known you for better than 1/2 your life. I know in the end what the answer will be and that is to be myself and just be Karyn as I view my former self somewhat a lie.

The last posted blog I put up simply because it was such a mind blower. I know transwomen who have great voices but Candi not only has a great voice but she is gorgeous!! It's kind of mind numbing looking at someone who is so visually beautiful and then have them drop their voice deeper than my own ... LOL

My voice is something that bothers me because it is part of the old me, I haven't changed it. It is such that to me it says male and reminds me of Kev but I seem to get away with it. Men and Women have an overlap in vocal range. f you were to view this on a musical scale then you would notice a small area of notes that fit each range. For me, my voice hits the middle of that range.

If you closed you eyes and listened to my voice you would identify a male voice. If you were to talk to me on the phone is screams BOY! When i go out in public in blah mode though even with that voice there's enough overlap that helps the visual overtake the tone and yes it's FEMALE!! Crazy but cool ..

I think for me it is time to start focusing on getting it into more feminine range and funny enough as much as I hate my male voice, I've felt funny about having to alter it, so I haven't done much yet.

This past Wednesday my sister came by (YAY!) to spend some time with me. It was soo nice to see her and it was pretty emotional for me, I had to keep telling myself all day I wasn't going to cry. I almost made it but I did have one minor moment. I've always connected very well with this sister because we had such similar personalities. We hadn't seen each other for 3 years so it was quite an emotional thing to suddenly go form being her "brother" to her "sister". She has been so sweet in being not only accepting of the change but really trying to make sure I'm comfortable as well. She is one of the few people in this lifetime that knew very little about this but understood that this is how you are born, you cannot help it. I hope we get to spend a lot more time together as sisters in the future.

One of the things that seems to hit people after learning of my change is what are known as "aha" moments. A lot of the time these are just little things that stand out that when put with the new information about Karyn suddenly make a lot more sense. One of those aha things was the fact that women were always incredibly comfortable talking to me. It never occurred to them why that could be, it just was what it was. Once they realized that I dealt with life from a female emotional perspective suddenly that comfort made a lot more sense to them, after all most guys aren't that deep when it comes to feelings and emotions. Ladies if you have one that is, hold onto him he is a good one.

I've had a few tough days toward the end of the week with some friends and it hit me kind of hard to the point that I broke down in tears last night. After having a bit of a cry and thinking about things I felt a bit better. The nice thing is that I can have lows and bounce right back, 3 short years ago that would have been a 3-4 week depression.. so even at my worst, life is still awesome now.

I've spent the past few weeks accelerating who knows so I can set myself up for name the name change. I think I've hit that who gives a shit attitude finally and I can't wait to make the final changes. At some point it will nice to not be anything other than living life ...

Hope your weekend kicks ass

1 comment:

Samantha said...

You are making so much progress this is awesome! I remember my days, nights, life in between with beleive it or not a certain measure of fondness. Many, many, many "aha moments" as I was moving between lives. One of my sisters, who I'd not seen in 18 years (because she lives in Alaska) had actually figured it out about a decade before I started transition and had been keeping a box full of information for me. Books, articles, lists of doctors and surgeons for me so that when I finally hit the wall, she'd be ready. I was terrified coming out to her, and she was so cool about it all. The box showed up a couple of days later with her notes of "aha moments" long before I came out.

My voice, oh that was interesting. I am, among other things, a hypnotherapist and my voice is important to me. I'm also terribly fond of singing, even as far as having won Kareoke competitions with it. So I was really twitchy about my voice for the longest time... You know, I'm amazed at how it's worked out so far, and I'm not even finished. My voice is better now than it ever was.

My relationships with my sister's now are closer and better than they'd ever been before. Actually with most people. I remember so clearly sitting with two of my sister's in one of their houses in Andover Sandy looked at me and said; "Well that explains why you were like the perfect husband of all times? You've had the girls rule book the whole time, and where doing the things you wanted someone to do for and to you. See, I always knew as a 'guy' you were to good to be true! You're such a chick!"

It's been an interesting and wonderful journey for me. So worth it!

You're doing great Karyn, plus you are at least as pretty as Candi. One day you'll look back and be just as amazed. It's a heck of a journey...