Feeling aware ...

I don't know if it is just in my head or I'm now living in a state of heightened awareness. I'd known since I start hormones that my sense of personal space had changed. I became much more aware of my personal space and the people who invade it. At times without hearing anyone come in the room and noticing they were there I could feel their presence behind me, I could literally feel their being. I swear sometimes it is like something out of a star wars novel.

Sunday morning as usual we got up and had a nice breakfast. Generally we end up going out on Sunday morning but this weekend we had decided to stay in and have a nice breakfast at home. Honestly I could have used a Bloody Mary or a Mimosa! After breakfast we decided what to do for the day and headed off to grab our groceries. Dee also wanted to go shopping for some new sneakers.

We decided to hit our local Hannaford and get what we needed for the week. When we arrived there it was amazing to see so many people doing their shopping. We had gotten a later start Sunday, usually we are shopping by 9am; this time it was more like 11

I don't know who he was, nor do I care to know. I could feel his presence, I could feel his stare and I could feel anger and hatred. Sure enough when I turned around I was being started at in a very intense manner. I couldn't figure out which spooked me more, the fact that he had that intense stare or that I could feel his anger.

Every turn I would go back to my own business and without seeing him I could feel his presence whenever I would come into his view. It had to be one of the most unnerving feelings that I have ever experienced.

When I pointed this out to Dee she looked at him for a few minutes and simply said "He's mad at the world for some reason" Somehow I think she was right. My instinct for a brief moment slipped back into the old me and I wanted to confront him, but I know that now that would be the foolish thing to do as I am no where near the strength I used to have and even then I wasn't terribly strong.

I don't profess to have any weird gift and quite honestly I've never gotten into the whole psychic ability thing. There's no denying what I felt though, it was too real and too charged to not be.

~K~

R.I.P Professor Randy Pausch

October 23, 1960 – July 25, 2008

Someone who through his own life struggle actually got it. His words were not only influential but they should be how we all live our lives. He unselfishly wanted to show people what really matters ..





http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/

boom boom out go the lights

The weather is crazy here today, we are having amazing thunderstorms pop through. At one point our whole building shook from the boom and the power flickered. I am never bored when it comes to a thunderstorm, I'm so in awe of the power they produce in a relatively short amount of time. If this keeps up I expect the power to go out at some point today…

In a bazaar turn of events my coworker has started referring to me in feminine pronouns out of the blue today. I am so happy to hear this as I haven't requested that happen here yet as I'm not out a work. He told me that he has wanted to start but was trying to be mindful not wanting to slip if the wrong people were I the room. He's done a good job of not judging me and he's been somewhat protective of me here since he's known. At one point he mentioned to another coworker who knows that he doesn't believe this is a choice. He has stated that there is such a difference in my everyday demeanor that there has to be something to it. It is so nice to have someone look against the grain to see the truth when it comes to gender variant issues.

Today Dee had left work to take my granddaughter to her Dr's appointment. My daughter has gotten herself a new job and because she just started she didn't want to make a bad impression by taking time off. Dee working for the Govt she has more time than she knows what to do with and enjoys taking care of GG. The other day as we were flipping through some recent pictures she commented how much she loves her granddaughter. It was so heartwarming to hear…

I have another blog I've been tossing around in my head about sexuality. I've been thinking about this for sometime and I actually had a rough draft written quite a while ago. I'm not sure that I should post it. While I don't mind being open about things I often wonder if there needs to be a line drawn somewhere.

I think one of the things that has amazed some of the people closest to me is the fact that I'm so open to answering questions now, even if slightly personal. To know me as Kev you would have known a person that was incredibly private and reserved about personal things. I was like that for obvious reasons, mainly keeping people at a distance so they wouldn't fully "know" my secret or me. Ever since I started stepping out of my box and stripping the payers of Kev away I have become much more open to people and I actually love it. It leaves little room for secrets and lets face it , secrets are just baggage. It is one of the freest feelings that I think I've found in transition …

~Karyn~

Happy Hump day

Happy hump day everyone!! The weather has been a bit odd this past week as it has gotten really humid and we have had a lot of spot thundershowers. It hasn't made good biking weather so I've been grounded to 4 wheels until it gets better. I have to say that the lighting at times has been amazing!

If you notice to the left I've added a new blog roll for the wives of my Trans Sisters. I've have always been lucky in having unconditional love from Dee and yet at the same time I have everyone around me pointing out just how lucky I really am. While I believe I am lucky in one sense I also believe I am on equal ground with my sweetheart as well. Telling me how lucky I am only makes me feel like I have nothing to bring to the table in this relationship and it is all one sided. Heck Dee tells me all the time that life with me is never boring … Wonder if that really is a compliment??

The point is, I want people to see that there are other relationships that weather the storm and sometimes love actually does go deeper than what are inside someone shorts. Not long ago as I read a news story about a trans issue that I happened upon the comment section. In one of the comments there were 2 posters who were jabbing back and forth and the answer given astounded me that someone could be so shallow in a relationship.

The question was:

"You mean to tell me if your husband was in a bad accident and lost his penis that you would leave him?"

The answer was so pathetic that it bothers me to this day…

"Yes, I'd leave him"

While the person was trying to prove a point that love should be more than just a physical connection that you wouldn't walk out in a different circumstance with the same results. How sad a marriage that must be.

Hopefully the blogs that are listed over time will show both the positive parts of these relationships and also the struggles. If they help just one new couple survive then it is worth the effort.

This past weekend was my Granddaughter Gianna's 1st birthday party. I cannot believe it has been 1 full year already. These past few years have seemingly dragged for me and yet at the same time sped by. I say dragged because I always feel like I should be further along in transition and yet I know that I've covered so much ground already, especially when I sit and reflect on it.

One of the next things I need to start soon is conventional electrolysis to get rid of the gray that was left over from the laser. I'd been waiting to see how much of the dark hair might return and give my skin a decent amount of time to heal from the last laser shots. I'm happy to report that so far only a few single pieces of dark have re-emerged. I'm not looking forward to this next phase and I've been avoiding it for some time.

Other than that I can't say there is too much new at the moment ..

~K~

Busy weekend/ End of an era I hope

Everyone has up days and down days, I'm not different; yesterday was a down day and today is looking up.

We had a busy weekend this past weekend. On Saturday my wife's family threw a 70th birthday bash for my father in law. It turned out to be a really good day and almost everyone invited showed up. What's better is that my father in law had a blast.

When the invited went out it state time of party was 2 pm but the end was whenever Dick fell asleep. Funny enough with all the alcohol he drank that day he was still up after everyone had gone home for the day, not bad for 70!

One of the things my father in law wanted to buy not long ago was an electric lawnmower. It was lighter and easier for him to get from his basement and then it didn't require gasoline to run so going green was a plus. My mother in law told him flat out no that he wasn't spending the money on it so for his birthday we all chipped in and bought him the mower. He was very happy indeed…

Sunday was a bit hard on me because I had a Christening to attend for one of my best friend's new sons. There's were a few reasons for me having a hard time with this

1) Because I'm simply not comfortable in a catholic church
2) I would have to fully present as Kevin because not everyone knew about me.

It wasn't my day, it wasn't about me and I wanted to do what I could to be there for my friend. I knew having to go backwards would do a number on me emotionally but I felt that out of respect for my friend I had no alternatives.

Anyone that knows me understands that I have a hard time being in pictures right now and especially because of the attire I had to wear. So when asked if I wanted to take pictures with his son I politely declined which apparently offended my friend. Even after I was asked why and explained it to him he was still offended by it. It would appear that pictures with me were a lot more important than my emotional well being and for that I got terribly hurt.

One of the other issues that arose was back when he knew that I was changing my name and I told him I got an email response back that stated "Well for now and probably forever, I'm going to call you Kev". Again instead of worrying about my emotional well being it was more important for him to preserve the past. For me it was not only disrespectful but incredibly hurtful. How anyone who cared about me could understand what having GID means and yet not care what that could do emotionally is beyond me. So for the better part of Sunday Monday and Tuesday I had been incredibly down and feeling like I needed to worry about my friends feelings over my own …

Sunday night was a gorgeous night so Dee and I did something we haven't done in a while but we love. We slapped the passenger seat on my bike and headed out for a nice long night ride. During the summer months this is one of the nicest ways to get lost within ones self. In fact it is one or the rare times where it is so quiet out all you can here is the rumble of the bike and even though there are 2 people on it, you can get lost in yourself at the same time.

The air was warm and slightly humid and it was slightly overcast but that didn't hamper the rode we had taken. We left our house at 10:15 pm and didn't walk back in until 11:45. I always feel like those types of rides are the chicken soup for the soul. As you pass each individual parcel of land new smells become aware to you, fresh cut grass, the floral smell of flowers and the damp night air. It doesn't get anymore relaxing than that.

This past weekend has its ups and down but for the most part it was a good weekend. It was also the weekend I made a pledge that it would be the very last time that I was Kev for anyone. Hopefully now I can concentrate on going fulltime and finally moving on with my life.

This next Sat is another big milestone for my family. My daring granddaughter turns 1 year old and we are going to my daughter's place to celebrate it. I have to admit that Gianna has been one of my greatest sources of joy for the past year. I'm so amazed that one year has passed already….

Here's to looking up and feeling good, time to move on my friends and live ….
Rock on
Karyn

Ouch!

One of the goals of HRT is to transform our bodies to more align with the gender our brains tell us it is. It is dependent up age and our own bodies’ reaction to the chemical change. For most of us over 40 the changes lessen than someone who is much younger, at that point testosterone has done a vast amount of damage already.

One of the changes I wanted to talk about today was the change in skin. Over the last 2 years I have noticed an incredible difference in my skin, hair and nails. One of my most favorite is the much softer feel and texture of my skin. In this change as the skin softens it thins out and gets a layer of fat deposit underneath giving it an almost healthy glow. What I am finding with the thinning of the skin is something that perplexed me for years about my wife “Bruising!”

At various times over the years I would notice a bruise on my wife’s leg or arm and would always ask “Hey, where did ya get the bruise?” and the standard answer was always “I have no idea!”

Now this answer would always throw me for a loop because in my experience over the years if I got bruised, there was certainly a blow that I’d felt to cause it; they didn’t just APPEAR!

This past weekend after getting home I went upstairs to put on a pair of shorts and a light top to just kind of be lazy in as we got quiet for the evening. When I sat down in the chair and crossed my legs I got the glimpse of a deep purple bruise and as you may have guessed my wife asked; “Where’d ya get the bruise?”

Well you can imagine my dismay to have to give the answer “I have no idea!” and suddenly my minds shot back through all those time I would wonder how Dee could possibly injure herself and not know.

Now I understand completely the difference in male and female skin thickness!

Oh and I swear I heard the phrase “a little egg on your face” muttered from her lips somewhere in there as well!

~Karyn~

New pic

New picture taken tonight. Hope I look ok...
~K~

Some people

Some days I just don’t get people. This morning my coworker and I got into a discussion about some others who have decided that they don’t agree with what I’m doing, one of which is his wife. Last Friday night they caught the show on 20/20 about Transgender children and his wife (We’ll call her "A") felt really bad for the kids that were on the show. She felt that people needed to be accepting of those kids and help them through to live, as they needed to live. When the conversation turned to me it was a much different story.

A’s premise is that because I outwardly projected male for most of my life then I should remain that way and it is sick of me to change it. Apparently it makes no difference to her that 37 years ago that child on 20/20 could have been me. Why do we have compassion for children yet not for adults afflicted with the same issue? Just because we view children as helpless? Do we have the same compassion for an Autistic adult that we would have for the child afflicted with the same defect? It never ceases to amaze me how people can draw a line such as this.

Another friend’s wife keeps driving home the fact to him that I’m "Making a mistake" So if my transitioning is such a mistake was the bullet the right choice instead? It never ceases to amaze me that everyone is an expert on what I’m dealing with and how I should live but they cannot fix their own lives. This particular woman lives daily with depression and literally walks around miserable everyday. This is to the point it impacts her marriage in a very negative way. Yet, she insists that my DR’s are "Brainwashing me" and "Stealing my money"

I’m not sure I understand what people think we are supposed to do. If we get treatment then we are wrong, brainwashed, making a mistake or whatever but if we were to take our lives because of it then it would be tragic. With some we get stuck between a rock and a hard place and no matter which path we are presented with there is no decision that makes everyone happy. Under those circumstances then who should be the happy one? I can answer that; ME!
I’m not taking the path that I am to hurt anyone, force anyone to think differently, to make him or her uncomfortable or even challenge what little intellect they might have. I’m simply trying to SURVIVE and in a manner that makes my own life bearable and conducive to my thoughts and feelings.

Grow up people, not everything is about you and what you want!

~K~