From the time I started this blog I had 3 goals in mind, purging, education and helping.
Purging ~ The more I write about my thoughts experiences and changes the easier it becomes for me to deal with it in an open and proud manner. It is a matter of self-therapy if you will.
Education ~ I guess this is self explanatory, the more people that talk about these issues the more the public becomes educated to the plight. Education is never a bad thing and the more that these issus are discussed the less sensationalized they become.
Helping ~ If there is ever a person in a search to find out why they feel the way they do or what they are going through my hope is that this blog will show then that they are not alone and that they are worthy of being true to themselves. I have had some negative days on my blog no doubt but the fact is, that is part of a process in learning about who I am and becoming more comfortable with the world around me .. they are simply experiences and not every one can be a good one. The bottom line is that if you feel like you are Trans ..You are not alone and you can live in peace..
With that said I have one disclaimer: This entry deals with a bit of sexuality and if you are uncomfortable with that please stop reading now. It is not my intent to be "graphic" in a shocking manner but it is in a manner to discuss something personal to all of us.
Over the last 25 years with my wife we have had some pretty deep discussions, it has been the single greatest part of our relationship as there is no boundaries to the things we share with each other. I have had many a night sitting in our hot tub under a starry sky with a glass of wine, bottle of beer or margarita discussing some very personal things. In some form it is in this connection I am happy to not only call her my wife but also my best friend.
Over the course of the years at intimate moments and some not so intimate I would always get into conversations about the differences in boy and girls. While Diane knew about how I felt, I only assume she understood the nature of these conversations. When I would delve into the whole boy vs girl world it was usually in a manner of either learning about what I felt I was missing out on or simply because of curiosity.
I remember one night under one of those starry skies after a very intimate moment of being lost enough in each other to ask her "What is it like for you?" with "like" meaning the whole sexual experience for those who may be as dense as I am at times. I remember her having a very hard time to really define it, but she did the best she could. I remember thinking that this was the closest feeling I would ever have to feeling somewhat normal by living through her words.
I’m not a gender girl and I’ve not had SRS as of yet so I can only guess at what the major difference is in the point of "no return" is like. It was funny when it actually hit me because when I experienced the difference it was an amazing change for me and I remember describing it to Dee and getting a smile and an affirmation that I hit the nail on the head.
Over the years of having sex or ultimately the sexual experiences I’ve shared with my love the one thing that always remained constant for me was the emotional side of things. Unlike most men who have a simply mechanical need to procreate, I have always had to get my head in the game for it to be satisfying.
Testosterone is a funny chemical, it most certainly in the cause of the sex drive for the male species. It’s what makes men not only think about sex but it is the sole reason why men are so visually stimulated. By nature men are bred specifically for this reason in this manner, it helps drive the species. Let’s face it guy’s do not need much to want to have sex.
This was always one of the most confusing aspects to how my mind worked. While I most certainly had the physical sex drive of a guy my mind didn’t work in the same manner. In order for sex to be a fulfilling activity for me there needed to be so much more attached to it and I needed to be in what I referred to as "the zone" I needed the emotional stimulation and the sensuality of it.
I never understood the biological drive the testosterone had until I finally had the needed estrogen in my system. I no longer had that physical urge that would drive me insane and in all honesty I don’t miss it. In fact all the things I’ve gained by not being controlled by the "need" are so much more in line with the way my brain worked. With the effects of the estrogen setting in, quite a few thing changed. With little or no testosterone the body stops producing sperm or any liquid for it to flow from. This change creates a much different sensation in climax.
It was in this that I finally got the answers I had asked Dee so long ago. In the male during orgasm as his body contracts and starts pushing the fluids down the shaft it creates a euphoric feeling that factors into the sensations. Men get a pulsing sensation from a combination of the tubes contracting and the movement of the fluid. This is actually a quite pleasing feeling and very much a large part of the male orgasm than I’d ever realized. Without the movement or need to push fluid the orgasm changes significantly.
Now one would think "Hey men get the added Bonus!", I honestly believe this isn’t necessarily true. When I compared how it felt for me now it seemed the sensation and emotion was quite the same as my wifes. In fact I really love the change. It has become a much more pronounced and steady feeling when it happens and it seems to last longer than before which in awesome. Another plus is that I don’t feel sleepy afterwards! LOL but now that is replaced with a sense of closeness and contentment, something I needed but wasn’t able to grasp..
Once I started putting the whole package together it started to become apparent that even in this arena these changes were really what I needed. It is much more in line with the emotional feeling I’ve always had or even needed to get myself in the mood, I wouldn’t change a thing that I’ve gained… maybe someday I’ll have the last piece of the puzzle Until then I’m happy with what I’ve gotten …
~K~
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