Jun 22, 2007

Weekend rambling

Here we are on the cusp of another weekend without much to say. I’m not totally sure of why but I’ve been feeling really run down this week to the point of even falling asleep on the couch after dinner. I really hate doing this for several reasons.

It makes me feel like I’m wasting time
I don’t get to focus on my needs as much
I get nothing done.

On the flip side I have to think that my body is telling me something that I’m simply not hearing. I think it is telling me I’m not getting enough exercise or enough rest.

This weekend will hopefully be a relaxing one without many set plans to follow. Tomorrow morning Dee and I are getting up early and going to have bagels and coffee for breakfast. From there we are heading to my laser electrolysis girl so she can get her 2nd laser session on her underarms. She is most certainly looking forward to being clean and not having to shave. One of the things that she always complained about was the after burn or irritation left from the razor, She would often look like she had gotten a sunburn and was in a good amount of pain .. So after all the success on my face she decided to try it on herself (So far so good)

After that she wanted to look for some sandals and I really need a new casual everyday watch. I was never a watch person before I only had one good watch that I had purchased when I was in Barbados several years ago. It was a Movado I spent $700 on. I remember on the trip Diane having to talk me into it because as much as I loved the watch I never believed in spending that kind of money on 1 watch. The funny thing was that the old saying of "you get what you pay for" really came into play as that watch served me well for so many years. Instead of saving it for "special" occasions I wore it as an everyday watch for a very long time.

Getting me dressed up for any special event was always a challenge as I found it depressing and it just made me feel wrong. I pretty much lived in jeans and t-shirt for that reason. My usual staple was either a concert shirt or a Harley shirt of some sort. The point is that if I had waited to wear the watch until dress up time it would still be brand new.

When I bought the watch it was like pulling teeth, I certainly felt like it was a waste of money because I loved girls watches so much, it just wasn’t totally me. Any piece of jewelry that was thick and heavy screamed of a masculine appearance and just played with my head in such a bad way. It’s funny to think a simple watch could hold such a deep symbolism like that.
To date Movado is now still my favorite watchmaker, I just love their styles. Eventually I hope to have one that more suits who I am rather than who I was. For now I’ll be happy to have a simple timex with a cute band and dream about what might be in the future.

In discussing our weekend plans Diane and I have decided to go for a light dinner tonight, a movie and then tomorrows activities before coming home and getting some much needed house work done. In an email this am Diane mentioned how much she loves her weekends with me which took me back a bit. I’d always assumed she liked them with me before after all isn’t that what love is about?

She replied how she had but now they are much more relaxed, I’m not wound up always having to have focus on something. An old joke that all my friends had on me was that I could never EVER leave my house without a destination or mission. It’s so true but what really hits me in this is that I never noticed the change until she pointed that out to me this am.

I guess when something in your life like that happens so naturally that you don’t even notice it that it can never be a bad thing. It is definitely one of the nicest changes to my personality, just living for the day and not for the activity.

I’ve been deep in thought lately, there are still a few people that need to be told what is going on with me so that I can move forward, until then I guess I feel like I am in a bit of a holding pattern. This holding pattern has been doing a bit of damage to me because I still have that fear of being a disappointment to the people around me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that feeling, it has been engrained into me for so very long that sometimes I don’t think about it in those terms, it just is what it is.

I honestly feel like once those people are told, then it will feel like the jail cell door has finally been fully opened. Until then I am thankful for the love and support that has been given to me.
When I was in group two weeks ago one of the focus items the group discussed was the loss of people in our lives. I heard a few stories about people who lost relatives. One girl told a story about a close friend who told her that nothing could ever come between them no matter what it was, they would always be there for them. After she told them of her Transness she was politely asked to leave their home, she has never heard from them again.

It is sad when we are assured that we can put our hearts on the line and that love is unconditional only to find out that it still has its boundaries or price to pay. Imagine if you will being told that you could share anything and finally opening up your inner most vulnerable feelings to be shunned in such a manner. This is the fear of all trans people and probably does more damage to us than the condition itself.

At times when I am sitting at home on the sofa reading, playing guitar or simply being lost in all the changes in my life I sometimes notice my darling Dee staring at me with a ½ of a smile on her face. When I look into her eyes now I see so much more because of her being so unconditionally accepting. I’m so thankful and jealous that her heart can be so open as it is, I believe this is her biggest quality in life. She seems to have that knack for seeing the soul beyond the shell, I just wish more people could experience that in this life.

Times are changing, people are slowly becoming more aware and open. I just wish that within my lifetime everybody could be as lucky as I’ve been with family and friends these last 2 years. Until then I am blessed with what I’ve gotten ..


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