Apr 25, 2008

Big Day

Well today was the day, I got off my duff and filed my name change paperwork today. I have to admit I'm a bit numb now and it hasn't quite sunk in yet. I'm happy that it's done but it is definitely hard letting go of the old secure blanket.

When we got to the courthouse it turned out that it was a great day to choose for this. There wasn't one person waiting for anything. I've never seen a courthouse so dead (like I've seen a lot of courthouses). I went in and handed the clerk my form and my letter of recommendation. I had to write a check for $80 for the filing fee and I was so nervous I couldn't even write my name. It was as though my hand simply would not work.

As we were doing this a woman from inside the probate office noticed Dee and came over to talk to her. Seems she is a member of the curves that Dee works at. No one at curves knows about what's up with me so I'm kind of concerned that rumors will start flying, Dee on the other hand could care less.

As we were leaving the 2 guards stopped Diane to chat. They had started a conversation on our way in and had found out that she was a federal employee so they were asking questions about the IRS. In all honestly it looked more to me like the younger guy was flirting with her. I'm not a jealous person but that will take me some time getting used too. I'm simply not a threat or a deterrent any longer for guys who want to approach her.

It'll take a few says for this to sink in, I know in my heart it is time but I also know I have 39 years invested in a person that really no longer exists ....

Apr 23, 2008

It's not a choice people!

A friend sent me a link to an article in the Bloomington pentagraph about GLBT student struggles with things such as bullying. On several different occasions now I have seen people advocate bullying and violence in an attempt to force people of valiance into social compliance. One was regarding the 8 year old boy who had been diagnosed and would be attending school as a girl in Colorado. One comment that had been posted in that article advocating the teasing this child until they had to conform.

The comments in this article aren’t much different and offer a look at the kind of bigotry that exists in the world today. You can read it here.


It is easy to be able to put your two feet on the floor each morning never questioning your sexual or gender identity. Sadly because you do not have to do that you turn a blind eye to the reality of it and call it a choice or a lifestyle. People do not "choose" a path that leads to a harder life of suppression and discrimination. These issues are a matter of survival for most and not that of choice.

We look at people with birth defects and disease everyday and yet we don’t judge them and we have no idea what it is like to walk in their shoes. Unless we have a first hand account of what these things feel like we can’t possibly judge them or we surely don’t call it a choice.
Not agreeing with something doesn’t make you a bigot. Propagating things like bullying, suppression and discrimination in the name of disliking this issue is what make you a bigot. This country was founded on the notion of equal rights for all and yet when it comes to social issues that are uncomfortable or deemed outside the box of society they are met with unequaled rights for a minority.

I’m a trans-woman who has raised a family, contributed to society, never been arrested, paid my taxes and believe that we all deserve to be treated fairly. Yet the bias of some individuals would overlook all the positive aspects of my life and reduce me to the simple phrase "Pervert" "Deviant" "Sick" "Abnormal"

We as human beings all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. It shouldn’t matter the class of person, the difference in appearance, the race or gender. Advocating any kind of bullying, harassment or abuse against ANY human being is wrong regardless of the circumstance that made them a target. People who choose to be disrespectful or take away another persons dignity do so out of their own insecurities in life and should be dealt with accordingly.

Apr 22, 2008

Strength of a girl "addendum"

In the strength of a girl blog within the comment section I saw a post from my daughter that for better lack of a term is a bit of payback. She wrote the simple sentence "But I am a girl!"
Back when my daughter was young she had made the determination that she wanted to play youth baseball. We had signed her up the year before we moved and I got the call for her to be on the team and asked if I would coach as well. I figured at the time that this would be great time to share something I loved with my daughter.

During the course of that spring Jess and I would go out on our front lawn and play catch or swing a bat in an attempt to help her get better. I’d throw her the ball and as she would go to return it she would cock her arm in that funny little way girls do and attempt to throw.

One of the ways I loved my daughter was in teasing her. This was one of the ways I grew up and I always wanted her to have fond memories of it when she got older. As she threw the ball back that season I would always remark to her "Geez, you throw like a girl!" She would always get a little upset and yell back at me "I DO NOT!!" This went on for the better part of a summer.

One day as we were playing catch she threw the ball and being the smart-ass I am again exclaimed the old "You throw like a girl" only this time things would be different. Jess stopped with this bewildered look on her face and simply replied to me "But dad, I AM a girl"
It only took her a year to realize it, I guess that’s much better than my 38 years I needed to realize it in me.

I look back on that story as one of the most fondest memories I have of my little girl ..


Gawd I'm sore .. LOL

Well I guess I’m feeling a little old today and to make matter worse I’m totally exhausted. Let me start by saying that my arm isn’t quite as bad as it felt yesterday which is a relief as I thought I might have injured a ligament or tendon. What I am feeling is the residual effects of being "out of shape". My legs, hips and back are all sore in addition to my already sore arm. I guess I need to get outdoors this year and be a little more active.

For the past 4 nights our younger shepherd has been keeping us awake. He has simply decided that he doesn’t want to be crated anymore. This wouldn’t be a big deal if he would just sleep on the bedroom floor but for whatever reason he doesn’t want too. He wants to roam free downstairs which to be quite honest, simply isn’t happening. So needless to say I’ve been kept awake by whining and barking all night long.

Today is shaping up to be a beautiful day and tomorrow is supposed to be a touch of summer. So far the warmer weather has been a bit harder for me to feel comfortable in. With the development of the "girls" and the fact that as it gets warmer we tend to wear lighter clothing it just isn’t something I’ve been able to find comfort in yet. Hopefully I can get over this exposed feeling soon so I can enjoy the weather more.

Sunday morning is our usual day to do grocery shopping. This past Sunday I needed to get stuff for Chili so I could bring it for the birthday party and then Dee and I decided it would be a salad week. We have been a bit naughty recently with our eating habits and the two of us are feeling toxic and well bloated. When this happens I always turn back to salads for several days to get my system back to normal. Since I had dropped the weight a few years ago I found myself being a lot more conscious of what foods I was eating. I have no desire to bloat back up to 200 lbs, I’m comfortable at 150.

One of the things I have noticed beyond my own comfort of not wanting to be overweight is the added concern over my appearance. This was something I was never worried about before because I simply didn’t care. It was in that not caring that got me to the 200 lbs to begin with.
A few weeks ago when my sister came over she remarked at how I’m so worried about my appearance now. Kev was never worried about how he looked so this was definitely a different side of me for her to take note of. So far I have to say she has been great being supportive as possible and regarding me as her new sister now. When I started this whole process I had no idea if she would be able to understand it or even accept it and I was worried about taking her little brother away. I have to say this hasn’t even become an issue.

I’ve gotten some nice letters from other Trans-women over the last few weeks, it’s nice to know that not only is my blog being read, but it is making a bit of a difference to others. Yesterday in an email with one of my local sisters I had mentioned that I wanted to get more involved as thing progressed, I wanted to make a difference for others and I wanted to give back. I received a nice little note back about her wanting to make it easier for others as well even at the expense of sharing our own pain. She then told me that I had been giving back in my own circle. After pondering that thought for a while I came to realize that she was right. "Thanks Cyn it was a sweet thing to say"

The intent of this blog was to show others that this can be a positive experience and you can do your best to live proud. Hopefully if it prevents even one person from sinking into the ultimate low then I’ve done some good. I’ve often sat and wondered if there was a purpose to being here and I wonder if our plight is a way of teaching the world about diversity and tolerance. If this could even be remotely true then every one of us has a responsibility to change the way we are perceived. If we each touch just one person then we’ve changed the world a little bit for the better.

The words of encouragement I’ve gotten over the past few weeks have really touched my heart. I only hope that one day this will be just a regular medical condition without the need for sensationalized press. Then people can get help with dignity without ever being judged. But for now we just need to be proud and unashamed.


Apr 21, 2008

Strength of a girl

Well I’ve never considered myself to be anything less than an intelligent person. It’s funny how I can still find stupidity. As I’ve mentioned on several other occasions on this blog, one of the effects of HRT on the body is a loss of muscle mass. In the loss of muscle mass you also lose strength. Yes even I am now as strong as a girl. No big deal, it is welcomed and while some might consider it a downside I view it as just being part of the experience. The problem always seems to arise when I try to do things that were much easier for me before with the testosterone. For whatever reason my brain forgets that I need to alter or be more aware of the difference. Diane finds it a bit amusing when I try to open a jar and I cant now, she just giggles at me.

Sunday was a nice day we had our granddaughter for the weekend, we ended up at my sister in laws home for my mother in laws birthday. I ‘m not exactly sure how I got hooked in but the kids wanted to get a baseball game going and well, baseball was the only sport I ever enjoyed. To this day I a am a rabid redsox fan and will get into an occasional wiffle ball or soft tennis balls game.

The game was a lot of fun and being one of the younger adults I played out deep in the outfield so that I could shag some of the adult hits, this way the kids could have fun around the bases. Playing that deep as I would get a ball I would toss it back in at full arm strength as I used to do. Apparently when you don’t have the same strength and you push it the way you previously would your body gets mad at you and has a revolt. Seems like I’ve strained either the muscle in my biceps or either the ligament or tendon. Needless to say I’m in some serious pain today and I really need to teach myself to have a bit of restraint now and try not to overdue things. Well at least I robbed someone of a homerun and blasted one of my own so it wasn’t a total lost cause ..LOL ..

On a side note I’m hoping to take some time and file my name change paperwork this week. This will be another big milestone in my journey. I know people think I’m crazy for being nervous about this. It’s exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time but it is a necessary part of my journey. I’m totally looking forward to getting rid of all the labels and just being Karyn for sure …

I’m not sure what else is new at the moment but I’m sure that something will pop into my head after this has been posted.

Happy Monday!

Apr 16, 2008

HRT and Sexuality

Before I write what I am about to let me put the disclaimer down that I love my wife and am attracted to my wife more than any other time in our relationship. I put this out there because I do not want what I am about to share to send out the wrong message to anyone. I am very committed to my wife and love her with all my being.

Back when I started my baby steps into HRT and things were being explained to me one of the things that I was made aware of was sexuality. For my whole life I have been attracted to women so basically I identify as a lesbian. Yes that might sound crazy to the Avg person because i have male parts but to put it into perspective it isn't determined my male anatomy, only by my brain which is female.

In the HRT session one of the issues I had been made aware of was that hormones are very powerful drugs. They not only help alter the body but they do an amazing job at altering the mind as well. In this one of the things that can be affected is sexuality. So in my session the question arose, Are you open to the idea that your sexuality could change?

When I answered this question I made it clear that I understood and that I was open to the idea. I had been open to it because in all honesty I never figured it would happen to me and besides I was so deeply in love with my wife that I figured it would never be an issue anyway.

As the estrogen took over I spent a good 6 months of having my emotions bounce around like a beach ball on the coast during a windstorm. My mood swings at time could be extreme. From pure joy to crying for no apparent reason, it was 2nd adolescence making me feel like an emotional teenage girl

In my old days I had no particular view of men in any kind of an attractive or physical way. I didn't like the way they acted, I didn't like the way they treated women and I thought they were dirty creatures in general. If my wife were to point out a guy to me and ask me what i thought I would probably say something like .. "Eh, I dunno"

Sometime ago as we were sitting watching TV I had a smile on my face and when Dee asked me why I tried to be dismissive and figured I'd just shake her off. When she pressed this issue I just muttered something about how it was embarrassing and that I didn't want to say. Her being the persistent person she can be assured me it was ok and that she wouldn't judge me.

I pointed out an actor on the TV and when she asked "what about him?" I replied how I thought he was cute. I didn't see his cuteness in any kind of a sexual way, just in an attractive way. I'm not sure when it hit me but apparently something had changed with me and yet I was still deeply in love with this little blond creature I'd been blessed to spend my life with. Dee would occasionally tease me about the cute guy on the TV. It was just one of those things that she would have fun with because she knew she could pull a coy smile from me. She also assured me that I shouldn't feel bad or ashamed for feeling that way...

As time has passed I have seen a few guys that I thought were attractive or cute. Not in any kind of a sexual way but just a visual. Something that just 2-3 years ago would elicit no opinion or maybe a "ohh boys yuck" opinion. I would always walk a fine line with discussing this because I never wanted her to fear losing me and quite honestly I could never do better than being loved by anyone but her.. she is just perfect for me in every way.

About a week ago I had a very bizarre experience. During the night I had a dream that for whatever reason stuck with me, most of my dreams a very hard for me to remember. This one was different because I not only remembered it but it was so vivid. While I won't post the pure details of it (Those are for me only!) I will say it involved being made love to by an unknown man. During the course of this dream I can say I was fully female and yes apparently I enjoyed it.

I've had dreams in the past that have me as a full female in the dreams, it's just par for the course when your brain works this way. Not once though have I ever had a sexual dream in this mode so this was very different for me. I held onto that dream for most of the next day before I ever mentioned it to Dee, as I said before I don't want to put unfounded worries in her head.

When I told her about the dream she just put a cute little smile on her face and started to tease me in the loving way she always did. Kind of like the little girls on the playground reciting the "sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g" limerick about some intended target. She did assure me she not only thought it was cute but she felt it was healthy for me. She also felt that I should let go and just let it be what it is and not make myself sick thinking there was anything wrong with it

After discussing the possibilities with Annah about this being an HRT issue or what not we both felt it could be. Neither of us had any definitive answer as to why but only the fact that it was mine to enjoy and yet still I had to wonder what was causing this.

Sunday evening on aim I told my friend Kristi what happened and out of all of us it was a gender girl who came up with the best answer. Recently I had finally committed myself to the fact that surgery was in my future. For a long time I could never get Dee to give me anything emotional from her own perspective but only she felt this was best for me. In doing so I had been on the fence about surgery because I felt if she could be so unselfish with me then it was only right of me to compromise with her. She has never viewed this as an option because she didn't think I could feel whole without completion of the surgery. Recently she made it apparent to me that she loved Karyn much more than Kevin and if she was to lose Karyn she would be devastated. In that one instance the decision had been made.

Kristi pointing this out to me came up with a very strong point of view. She told me it was probably a product of me finally accepting being female as a whole and allowing myself to be who I am sexuality and all. After all until this point there was no determination where this would fully lead. It was as tough a weight had been lifted from my shoulders with that point because it made the most sense, I was giving myself permission to accept every aspect of being female ... and suddenly that dream took on a new meaning for me, a more enjoyable turning point in my transition.

I don't know how deeply HRT has played a role in this, I have to believe it has been a major player. Finally opening myself up to all of this is like letting go of a burden. It is living life without a defense mechanism about how I could be perceived sexually. Now I can think of that dream and have a bit of a smile on my face, enjoy it for what it was and take ownership of my own feelings....


Apr 12, 2008

Saturday after an emotionally charged week

What a dreary morning!! The rain is coming down and everything looks so gray. We had a touch of 70 degrees this past Wed, such a teaser. I'm sitting here by myself because my honey had to go work at curves and I'm contemplating running to the store to get the rest of what I need for tonight. We are having friends over tonight and I'm sitting here trying to figure out how much of Karyn needs to be out this time. 2 of my friends have been around the changes and they were totally cool, the other hasn't seen me in over 10 years. She knows about the change but it can always be nerve wracking to bare yourself to people who have known you for better than 1/2 your life. I know in the end what the answer will be and that is to be myself and just be Karyn as I view my former self somewhat a lie.

The last posted blog I put up simply because it was such a mind blower. I know transwomen who have great voices but Candi not only has a great voice but she is gorgeous!! It's kind of mind numbing looking at someone who is so visually beautiful and then have them drop their voice deeper than my own ... LOL

My voice is something that bothers me because it is part of the old me, I haven't changed it. It is such that to me it says male and reminds me of Kev but I seem to get away with it. Men and Women have an overlap in vocal range. f you were to view this on a musical scale then you would notice a small area of notes that fit each range. For me, my voice hits the middle of that range.

If you closed you eyes and listened to my voice you would identify a male voice. If you were to talk to me on the phone is screams BOY! When i go out in public in blah mode though even with that voice there's enough overlap that helps the visual overtake the tone and yes it's FEMALE!! Crazy but cool ..

I think for me it is time to start focusing on getting it into more feminine range and funny enough as much as I hate my male voice, I've felt funny about having to alter it, so I haven't done much yet.

This past Wednesday my sister came by (YAY!) to spend some time with me. It was soo nice to see her and it was pretty emotional for me, I had to keep telling myself all day I wasn't going to cry. I almost made it but I did have one minor moment. I've always connected very well with this sister because we had such similar personalities. We hadn't seen each other for 3 years so it was quite an emotional thing to suddenly go form being her "brother" to her "sister". She has been so sweet in being not only accepting of the change but really trying to make sure I'm comfortable as well. She is one of the few people in this lifetime that knew very little about this but understood that this is how you are born, you cannot help it. I hope we get to spend a lot more time together as sisters in the future.

One of the things that seems to hit people after learning of my change is what are known as "aha" moments. A lot of the time these are just little things that stand out that when put with the new information about Karyn suddenly make a lot more sense. One of those aha things was the fact that women were always incredibly comfortable talking to me. It never occurred to them why that could be, it just was what it was. Once they realized that I dealt with life from a female emotional perspective suddenly that comfort made a lot more sense to them, after all most guys aren't that deep when it comes to feelings and emotions. Ladies if you have one that is, hold onto him he is a good one.

I've had a few tough days toward the end of the week with some friends and it hit me kind of hard to the point that I broke down in tears last night. After having a bit of a cry and thinking about things I felt a bit better. The nice thing is that I can have lows and bounce right back, 3 short years ago that would have been a 3-4 week depression.. so even at my worst, life is still awesome now.

I've spent the past few weeks accelerating who knows so I can set myself up for name the name change. I think I've hit that who gives a shit attitude finally and I can't wait to make the final changes. At some point it will nice to not be anything other than living life ...

Hope your weekend kicks ass

Apr 9, 2008

ww2 part duece

I actually transposed some of the numbers in my first writing. It was a B-24 and not a B-52. He flew 105 mission and 20 of those with Jimmy Stewart ..

You can read more about him here


Apr 7, 2008

Dealing with duality

One of the questions I had been asked recently from someone who is starting their transition is one of identity. For the most part Trans people are who they are, they have lived a specified identity for a period of years and built their relationships around that perceived identity. But is it really a much different identity?

My friend asked me if I had a hard time moving between the male wold and the female world as I’ve transitioned. To understand this one first has to know that at the point I’m at now I’m living as Karyn 90% of the time outside and not at all in my work life. So this means that it’s Kevin at work and around certain friends it is Karyn all other times, essentially seeming like 2 separate identities.

When we first start out we need a lot of aesthetics to help us identify with who we feel we are. In doing so we end up feeling better for a very short time until it is time to go back into the old persona. As we first go into counseling and start to learn self acceptance we have to start identifying with who we feel we are as opposed to who we allow the world to see every. It’s just part of the process. As we progress into that self-acceptance we start to identify less with the aesthetics and more with simply who we are.

For me this is simple. When I started earning my own self-acceptance I was told to do things that made me more comfortable. These are generally the things we will end up doing daily in our target gender. Clothes, Makeup, Nail polish or whatever steps need to be taken. As I got deeper into the process the less I needed the aesthetics to feel like Karyn I simply feel like I am more at peace with my inner self.

At this stage I don’t need to wear female clothes, makeup or jewelry to make myself feel more normal, I’ve earned that peace from within and identified with the tangible items much less. At this point I’m Karyn regardless of what I’m wearing, be in male jeans and T-shirt or girls jeans and a top. This isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy or want to look nice anymore, I just don’t have to do that to identify with who I am on the inside and now I can do it because I want too, not because I have too.

So if I feel like going out without makeup ..no big deal, I’m still Karyn!!

When we hit a point such as this it can make you feel like you are straddling the line of 2 different worlds. Even at times my friends will say, when you are Kevin and when you are Karyn. The truth is the two identities are one in the same, Karyn just doesn’t struggle with the pain that Kevin had.

At this point in my transition I do at times find it very hard going back to being Kevin if even for a short time. It’s becomes a bit emotionally draining getting myself straight in interacting with other people. Last week in an effort to fill out my time card at work I mistakenly started to sign my card Karyn instead of my legal name. In another instance I actually referred to Kevin in a past tense without even thinking about it. It was no big deal, he knows what’s going on.

It doesn’t matter what stage you are at in transition or even part time dressing, unless you are fully transitioned you will deal with the duality issue. At times it can be a bit hard to get your head around and others it will be depressing to have to go back to your everyday self. Just remember that the qualities of one are the qualities of the other. You are who you feel you are even if the shell doesn’t always appear to be what the mind knows.

You’re just like a chameleon … LOL


Apr 5, 2008

WW2 Heros

This turned out to be the type of morning that you just have to blog about, it was such weird interaction

Every other week on Diane's off week from working at curves we have a bit of a tradition of going to Panera Bread for Bagels and coffee for breakfast. Generally we go 1 town over to Nashua NH because it's not very crowded. We try to grab a table in the window area, talk and just kind of people watch.

Every 6 weeks for the last few years either Dee or I have had laser hair removal appointments so this redirects us to a different Panera in Manchester NH. This particular Panera tends to be in a much busier business district where quite a few senior citizens meet to enjoy companionship with their friends. It tends to be a bit of a community within this particular Panera.

This am after we ordered our food I grabbed a table in the window area off to the side and just on the outer edges of the seniors enjoying their time together. Seated next to us by himself was an elderly gentleman in his 80s named Ed. As I sat there putting cream cheese on my bagel a young lady approached Ed to say hello and you could see his face just light up and like some older men Ed went into old man "flirt" mode.

As he started his little show the young woman motioned to her right and exclaimed to Ed that he needed to be careful because her husband was right here. Ed gushing told the husband how nice his wife was, made some small talk and told him not to worry, he wouldn't try and steal her from him. It was one of those cute moments that just make you smile because you see a few moments of joy in an elderly mans eyes.

As Diane approached the table and sat down she noticed a smile beaming from my face and asked why. I just quietly told her I would explain later and went back to my bagel. I found it so cute that something as simple as a few minutes of some pretty girls time made this gentlemans day a little brighter.

As a young couple entered Panera in tow with them was a cute little girl of about 4 years of age in pigtails. This caught Ed's eye and he turned and watched the girl for a moment, this was when Ed noticed the pretty little blonde sitting next to him. This was just the opening that Ed needed to strike up another conversation with a pretty young lady and started talking and complimenting Dee. Diane's always been a friendly person so talking to her isn't an issue but she always seems to enjoy taking time to make a senior citizens day a little brighter by acknowledging them and maybe just give them a few words or a bit of attention and old Ed was just soaking that in.

Ed hadn't caught site of me as the position of my chair was just slightly behind him and quite possibly just out of his periphrial view. Over the last year I've also gotten used to the fact that guys will now flirt with Diane while I'm present because it just has the appearance of two women instead of a husband and wife.

I'm not sure it if was movement that caught Ed or he was just waiting for his opening but all of a sudden it occured to him that there was someone with this pretty little blonde and he turned to take a look at me. As I sat there with my hair tied back, Sam Adams baseball hat and a bagel in hand I would just about fall off the chair with his next words.

Ed looked at me and suddenly I became part of his flirty little show. Ed purked up and said, oh my and look at the pretty big brown eyes on this young lady. I almost choked on my bagel. I'm not used to being flirted with by any man and this was a new experience. Ed suddenly had a gold mine, 2 young ladies to have his attention.

At various times he would interact with other old men and they would all make comments about the 2 young ladies that he caught in his view. It was extremely cute in such an innocent way. As one gentelman came over and got caught in part of the conversation, Ed told us that He would just love to take us home but the two of us would probably wear him out. One of his friends made the remark at that Ed is very choosy about his women .. they have to be under 80 ... LOL ..

At one point Ed being the proud man he was slid a newspaper over to us with his face on the front page. It was an article telling of his heroism in WW2. The arcticle went on to explain the Ed had been a gunner in a b52 and he was a crew mate of the late actor "Jimmy Stewart" Ed was in one of the most dangerous jobs of the airforce as back then a tail gunner sat in a glass bubble at the bottom of the rear end of the aircraft, essentially being the first target that enemy aircraft would attempt to take out. He flew over 150 missions with Jimmy Stewart' a feat within itself in that plane.

When it was time to go I thanked Ed for being a war hero, because it was people like him who kept this country free for people like me. Ed smiled and asked us to come back and spend sometime with them on another Sat .. we may just do that.

I have to admit, never being interested in men it is a little unerving to think that any man would want to give me attention as a female. I've been assured by friends and others that it is something I need to get used too because it will happen. But even at my discomfort in the situation I am happy to have made a few minutes of some seniors time because as far as I'm concerned, it is a small price to pay for a war hero ....

Bless you Ed, you deserve the respect you've earned


Apr 3, 2008

Oprah, Visitors and me

tonight was the big Oprah show on the Transgendered man who is pregnant. One thing I have to admit is that Oprah always handles these subject with the utmost respect and dignity. This was the reason we would have accepted being on her show if we had been picked.

I think I walked away softened to the subject, it seemed a little more human to me and you can see that they really seemd to love each other. They did a great job ..

Last night I got my letter for name change. You don't have to have the letter to do this but I was told it makes the process a lot easier. It was good to get it but scary at the same time. It seems like I'm another step closer to my final goal and just a little further from the old me. I'm really happy today

I noticed tonight I was getting a bunch of hits from a wierd address so I tracked back to the original source. It turned out to be a board for new parents and they were discussing the pregnant man story. As I scrolled down I realized my daughter had posted about her dad going through the process, a picture of me and link to my blog. I'm proud of the fact that she is so comfortable with it that she can be proud of who she is. What really stuck me was a few of the comments about how nice I looked and it was cool that I'm so comfortable with it. It was really nice to go to a board like that and see open minded non-judgmental people. We need a lot more people like that in this world.

When I was young I never considered myself to be a good looking boy. It wasn't until last year looking back at a few band shots that I realized I was actually kind of cute bcak then. Still, my self esteem was low enought that I never believed it at the time.

Now years later and a change of hormones I'm right back to where I was back then. I go through times where I don't think I look very good. It's kind of funny but I guess it is somewhat of a teenage adolecsence. It's really nice to have other people make positve comments because like a lot of women, I'm critical of how I look at times.

I had an awesome conversation with my sister tonight. It's been a while since we could talk and we really hadn't since this change started. In the course of the conversation she referred to me as her "sister" several times which was an awesome feeling. I'm hoping that with that acceptance we will be able to establish that bond on a deeper level. It's something I always wished for but never in a million years would have ever thought happened.

One of the nice things in transition for me has been when people have "ah ha" moments and something just seems to hit them. Mainly a piece of the puzzle falls into place and I suddenly make more sense because of who I am. Years ago when I would have conversations with our friend Nancy I would usually hide the more private answers with "That's a funny story, maybe someday I'll tell you about it". it usually related to what I'm going through now. When she thought about all those times and my transition it suddenly all made sense to her... an ahh ha moment ...

Anyway it is late and I'm getting ready for bed .. Hope all is well with life for you...


Apr 2, 2008

God doesn't

There’s been a lot of press recently about transgender people and transgender rights, transgender stories about transition and a myriad of other tidbits. At the end of a lot of the web news columns there is always an area to leave comments and when it comes to this issue there is no shortage of people willing to give theirs. One big ball of controversy was the 20/20 special on transgender children.

These comment boxes bring out everyone from people who are supportive to people who think it is morally wrong to people who cite god as reference. It’s to these people that I have this one piece of wisdom in one specific comment that is always made.

“God does not make mistakes!”

All I have is this one point of view

There are 4000 birth defects that have been documented and children who are innocent suffer because of it .. please tell them God that doesn’t make mistakes.

New Steps

Where yesterday was a somber day today could be viewed as a day to celebrate. I’m a bit nervous about it but in all honestly it’s probably a relatively small thing looking from the outside in. Tonight I have my usual counseling session so she can monitor my progress, my concerns and anything that might need to be addressed. Tonight though, is the night I am due to be receiving my letter of referral for my name change. Something that we all look forward too in transition but to yet for some a very scary step.

While nothing really changes tonight it is a big step for me and in some sense a little bit of sadness. Not that I’m not overjoyed by all the changes by any means but as I mentioned to my friend Kristi yesterday it is kind of like letting go of a safety blanket.

Being Kevin as painful as it could be at times was still a persona that I could hide behind. There was no sense of vulnerability in Kevin. While he was a compassionate person, he at times he could be downright cold. The one thing that never concerned me was what people thought of me or at least that was the appearance I would give. Deep down I was always worried that my inner feelings would be revealed and I’d be ruined by it. It’s easier to shield yourself and only give what you want other to see …

So, in some instance it is scary letting go of what I know, but I am happy to be moving forward as well.

Apr 1, 2008

Being a little somber

Today is kind of a weird day for me, it usually is. When I think back to the events of April 1st 1995 I sometimes wish it had been a cruel April fools joke. For a very long time I walked this earth with the feeling that I was responsible for the events of that day. Today I realize I am not but I still think of it often.

In the very late hours of the day my phone rang and like anyone, when a phone call comes in the middle of the night, you know it cannot be good news. It was my younger brother in California with tragic news. Seems my youngest brother had returned home and not having his house key decided to slip under the garage door as it was slightly ajar. As he did this he found my dad hanging in the garage.

I know it must have been a tough thing to find and I can tell you without getting in depth that my brothers life has been destroyed by that experience and a lot of other abuses my dad had inflicted on him. While I know people will point out I couldn't’ be responsible and I’ve come to accept that now, a lot of the weeks prior to that day left some rough interactions between my dad and I that remained in the back of my mind. My dad also being the selfish guy that he was didn’t even leave a note to anyone to allow them to understand why.

3 weeks prior to this event I had traveled with my best friend to California to visit my brother Rob. It was a trip I had been dying to make. Rob and I didn’t grow up together and we never knew much of each other until I finally got to meet him in 1994. We seemed to hit it off from the beginning, as siblings should. We just seemed to have that natural bond even if we were only related through my dad.

The day I arrived and stepped off the plane was the first time I would ever set foot on the West Coast. I was excited to see my brother, a new part of the country, but mostly just to spend time with Rob and make memories. I’ve often wished we lived closer to each other because I tend to miss him quite a bit.

My dad and I had a very jaded past, he left when I was 2 and never made much f an effort to know me after the fact. If it weren’t for my older brother he would have known nothing and I wouldn’t have known about any of my siblings. He tended to be a very selfish man who continued his life without ever concern for my well being or if I was even alive. In the summer of 1983 I received a phone call that would have him at my older brothers house just a short 20-minute drive from me. My mom being controlling geared me up to tell him off for once and for all so I drove over to do just that, but I didn’t have the heart and without getting into specifics it caused a deep division between my mom and I.

After meeting him things didn’t change a whole lot other than I would speak to him by phone every so often and even at that that always seemed to be an uneasy tension between us. When it came right down to it, the only time he ever called me was when he needed to make himself feel better, which wasn’t very often. Not long after stories began circulating about some abuse that family members had been though with him and it turned out to be something I despised. My dad was a pedophile.

When I stepped off the plane in California that day, I wasn’t t prepared for the wide range of emotion I would feel, it didn’t hit me until I was walking down the ramp from the plane and my dad was standing there waiting for me. He wasn’t even supposed to know I was there.

I spent a lot of quality time with my brother and really enjoyed it but at every turn my dad would try to get between us somehow dividing the bond that was growing. . At one point he took my youngest brother aside and told him that I wasn’t really his son, my mother had lied about it. It was probably the single most hurtful thing my father ever had done directly to me and when I lumped it in with the secrets that I knew of him it summed up to a volatile cocktail of hatred and contempt.

The last straw for me had him trying to drive another wedge but this time, instead of trying to turn them on me it was me against them. I can tell you as I sit here today with the hatred I had for who he was, the fact that I had so much built up anger because I had to hide my gender issues that I’m surprised I didn’t kill him where he stood. I did however blow into a rage and threw him out of my step sisters house.

In the course of my yelling my friend decided it was best if he went outside, so he went out and laid in the grass under the sun. As my dad left the house he made his best effort to grab my friends ear yelling do you see how he treats me. At this point I believe I said the fatal words to him. I ran outside threatening to beat him and told him, I know what you did and if you ever come back to New England I will kill you. He got in the car and left for Wyoming that day and stayed there until he knew I was gone. I don’t regret the words I said that day, I hated him for what he put my family through.

Several weeks later I put what I believe was the final nail in his coffin. I called him and told him that I wanted him to know I was selling my house and moving to California to be closer to me brother. At the end of all this I still believe that once I knew his secret and I was the only one that knew all 3 of his hiding places ( Mass, Wyoming and Cali) that he feared he was trapped by his own dirty deeds. It was the only reasoning I could ever come up with as to why he would take his own life,

While I hated my father for what he had done to not only me but members of my family, I never wanted to see him die. I would have welcomed him serving jail time, but not death and not that way. He left a lot of emotional pain in his family from that and a lot of other things. It was very hard to walk away and not feel some sense of responsibility. I’ve since gotten over it and come to the realization that I didn’t bear that cross, he committed the atrocities and drove himself to it regardless of what I said to him.

As far as his actions? We are still dealing with the damage to this day