Jun 28, 2007

CNN story

Whenever I see a story regarding a transgendered child it always peaks my interest as any TG story would. The thing that I find amazing is how far we have become as a society where parents can not only accept their children for who they are but actually do what they feel is necassary for the well being of the child.

When I was a child it was not only a much different time, but my mom was a much less tolerant person than the parents of today. I often wish things had been different back then so i didn't have to live in hell for so many years of my life but that wasn't to be. Any sign of weakness around her surely meant a correction or a beating of some sort so I learned quickly to act like something I wasn't

I treid through the years to play the tough macho role and I guess I assumed that I was pretty good at it. The fact is that looking back I really failed miserably, I just couldn't see that until now.

I'm certainly thankful for the things that I have and the people who care about me. The fact is that until I started to deal with my issues I couldn't see that and I certainly couldn't appeciate it. In a conversation with my wife tonight I told her it sucked that I have to go through such an extreme just to feel right. It just doesn't seem fair or right, but the bottom line is I need to play the cards I've been dealt with in the best manner to make my life about quality.

The following story gives me inspiration that society is moving in the right direction and while I'm sure the bible bumper will be up and arms at these parents, I for one applaud them for their love and bravery. The more we see of people like this the more the cycle will be broken and we will learn to be tolerant and simply accept people for who they are and what they need to do ..

with that said the link is here


Jun 26, 2007

Close calls

Well we just had an interesting turn of events. It's extremely hot and humid here tonight so instead of working outside in the heat we were sitting here relaxing. All of a sudden the was a muffled boom and the whole house shook. When I looked out the front window this is what I saw ..

Missed the house by less than 3 feet. This branch is longer than my house. The window hidden behind the leaves is where I was sitting when it hit ...As Get Smart's Don Adams would say ... Missed it by that much!

Jun 25, 2007

Another new week

Let me start of the week by stating that I’m not only sore as hell but terribly stiff. I spent the afternoon on my back deck power washing it. Cleaning my Deck furniture and just enjoying the nice weather. It was enough work to wear me out last night and both Diane and I feel asleep on the couch until one of us awoke at 11:45.

This am when I rose from my sleep and tried to hit the floor running I realized how old I am getting. Every bone in my body is stiff and every muscle aches. I guess that’s not a bad thing, It just makes me realize I am still alive.

Friday started off the weekend with dinner and a movie as planned. In the next town over the is a little Italian restaurant that is in an old farmhouse. We have driven by this place for years and every time remarked at how we should try there sometime. It would seem that we never EVER remember to do that when we are looking at going out.

Ever since my daughter moved out a few years ago the one pastime I do really enjoy is trying new restaurants. Lets face it, as much as I love cooking it is a pain sometimes to cook big meals for 2 people. Friday Diane remembered Luccianos so we figured that we would give it a whirl. I’m sorry to say I wish I had done it yrs ago when we first saw it because we have really been missing out on a good restaurant.

Diane got a nice personal pizza with alfredo and chicken on it in place of the traditional red tomato sauce that generally is associated with pizza. I got one of my all time favorites chicken cacciatore and I was more than happy with what I had gotten. They gave so much food in fact that even I had to take ½ of my meal home.

Generally when we go out to eat I tend to look for cues of how I’m being read by the people I have contact with. It was pretty uneventful until Diane paid the bill using our debit card. Upon returning the waitress was unsure of who to hand it too because she didn’t know whose card it was. It’s a very subtle way to make my evening as the card clearly reads Diane’s name on it. Score one for another female reading!

After the restaurant we decided to see the new movie "Evan the almighty". It wasn’t a bad movie and it wasn’t a great one. Albeit Diane and I do have very different tastes at times on what we consider funny. Diane’s sense of humor tends to swing towards the drier British side …
Saturday we got up early and headed off to Panera for bagels and coffee. We always enjoy a Sat morning there as we sit in window area and watch life muddle along as we enjoy a light meal. From the we headed over to my laser electrolysis girl for Diane’s underarms. We got a nice surprise when we found out they adjusted her rate because of a sale so now its $30 cheaper ..can’t beat cheaper

Off to Off Broadway for Diane to get some sandals. She ended up with the same pair as me! Some sketchers. I don’t know whether to take it as a compliment or not … LOL

We did a lot of minor running around Saturday and then ended up at a local bbq chain for dinner. Again in seeing how I was being read it seemed like nothing was going either way until the check came. She was a bit confused over whom to hand it too. Another victory for ~K~

It was a nice weekend and now I’m hopefully coasting into an easy 4 day week and then vacation until july 9th … I can use the time off ..

Jun 22, 2007

Weekend rambling

Here we are on the cusp of another weekend without much to say. I’m not totally sure of why but I’ve been feeling really run down this week to the point of even falling asleep on the couch after dinner. I really hate doing this for several reasons.

It makes me feel like I’m wasting time
I don’t get to focus on my needs as much
I get nothing done.

On the flip side I have to think that my body is telling me something that I’m simply not hearing. I think it is telling me I’m not getting enough exercise or enough rest.

This weekend will hopefully be a relaxing one without many set plans to follow. Tomorrow morning Dee and I are getting up early and going to have bagels and coffee for breakfast. From there we are heading to my laser electrolysis girl so she can get her 2nd laser session on her underarms. She is most certainly looking forward to being clean and not having to shave. One of the things that she always complained about was the after burn or irritation left from the razor, She would often look like she had gotten a sunburn and was in a good amount of pain .. So after all the success on my face she decided to try it on herself (So far so good)

After that she wanted to look for some sandals and I really need a new casual everyday watch. I was never a watch person before I only had one good watch that I had purchased when I was in Barbados several years ago. It was a Movado I spent $700 on. I remember on the trip Diane having to talk me into it because as much as I loved the watch I never believed in spending that kind of money on 1 watch. The funny thing was that the old saying of "you get what you pay for" really came into play as that watch served me well for so many years. Instead of saving it for "special" occasions I wore it as an everyday watch for a very long time.

Getting me dressed up for any special event was always a challenge as I found it depressing and it just made me feel wrong. I pretty much lived in jeans and t-shirt for that reason. My usual staple was either a concert shirt or a Harley shirt of some sort. The point is that if I had waited to wear the watch until dress up time it would still be brand new.

When I bought the watch it was like pulling teeth, I certainly felt like it was a waste of money because I loved girls watches so much, it just wasn’t totally me. Any piece of jewelry that was thick and heavy screamed of a masculine appearance and just played with my head in such a bad way. It’s funny to think a simple watch could hold such a deep symbolism like that.
To date Movado is now still my favorite watchmaker, I just love their styles. Eventually I hope to have one that more suits who I am rather than who I was. For now I’ll be happy to have a simple timex with a cute band and dream about what might be in the future.

In discussing our weekend plans Diane and I have decided to go for a light dinner tonight, a movie and then tomorrows activities before coming home and getting some much needed house work done. In an email this am Diane mentioned how much she loves her weekends with me which took me back a bit. I’d always assumed she liked them with me before after all isn’t that what love is about?

She replied how she had but now they are much more relaxed, I’m not wound up always having to have focus on something. An old joke that all my friends had on me was that I could never EVER leave my house without a destination or mission. It’s so true but what really hits me in this is that I never noticed the change until she pointed that out to me this am.

I guess when something in your life like that happens so naturally that you don’t even notice it that it can never be a bad thing. It is definitely one of the nicest changes to my personality, just living for the day and not for the activity.

I’ve been deep in thought lately, there are still a few people that need to be told what is going on with me so that I can move forward, until then I guess I feel like I am in a bit of a holding pattern. This holding pattern has been doing a bit of damage to me because I still have that fear of being a disappointment to the people around me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that feeling, it has been engrained into me for so very long that sometimes I don’t think about it in those terms, it just is what it is.

I honestly feel like once those people are told, then it will feel like the jail cell door has finally been fully opened. Until then I am thankful for the love and support that has been given to me.
When I was in group two weeks ago one of the focus items the group discussed was the loss of people in our lives. I heard a few stories about people who lost relatives. One girl told a story about a close friend who told her that nothing could ever come between them no matter what it was, they would always be there for them. After she told them of her Transness she was politely asked to leave their home, she has never heard from them again.

It is sad when we are assured that we can put our hearts on the line and that love is unconditional only to find out that it still has its boundaries or price to pay. Imagine if you will being told that you could share anything and finally opening up your inner most vulnerable feelings to be shunned in such a manner. This is the fear of all trans people and probably does more damage to us than the condition itself.

At times when I am sitting at home on the sofa reading, playing guitar or simply being lost in all the changes in my life I sometimes notice my darling Dee staring at me with a ½ of a smile on her face. When I look into her eyes now I see so much more because of her being so unconditionally accepting. I’m so thankful and jealous that her heart can be so open as it is, I believe this is her biggest quality in life. She seems to have that knack for seeing the soul beyond the shell, I just wish more people could experience that in this life.

Times are changing, people are slowly becoming more aware and open. I just wish that within my lifetime everybody could be as lucky as I’ve been with family and friends these last 2 years. Until then I am blessed with what I’ve gotten ..


Jun 20, 2007

midweek rambling

I haven’t had much to say lately, as there really hasn’t been a ton going on so I’ve been having a block about things to write about. I am however sitting here with a long run job and little else to do so hopefully something will come to mind.

When we headed down the road this am going east into the sunrise I have to admit it was more than a breath taking sight. There has a light haze of a cloud cover on the horizon, which acted as a filter so you could look directly at the big red disk of sunrays. It looked absolutely beautiful and huge in the morning sky.

My commute generally takes me down RT93 in the morning heading south which puts the eastern sunrise on my left. As I approached the Massachusetts border I notice that a thick black cloud cover had already slid overhead covering about ¾ of the sky from west to east. What made this an amazing sight was the fact that the sun was just low enough in the morning sky to beam brightly under the dark cloud cover. It was an ominous site to say the least.

It’s nice to be able to take note of these things now, as they tend to fill my day more than ever. I was so blindsided by my own issues that I rarely took time to enjoy the small parts of my day, it was more about just getting from point A to point B and surviving.

By the time I got to work it was totally overcast, it was amazing how fast it rolled in. Now I swear I can hear the roar of thunder echoing our building.

My chest has been incredibly sore this week, more than it has been in a while. I have to admit if this is what 13 yr old girls go through then I certainly feel for them. Generally people my age do not see much progress in the "breast development" area because the effects of testosterone have done so much damage, but so far I’ve actually seen more than I’d expected.

The general rule of thumb is that you could expect 1 cup size lower than the women in your family and that decreases with age. This was a scary thing for me as the women in my family were well endowed in that area. Even my own daughter had quite a big bust until she had to do something about it because of her back. This was a huge concern to me because I’ve never been terribly obsessed with breasts and I certainly don’t want to stand out.

I’ve joke with Dee on occasion that the tenderness I’m feeling is payback for all the times she complained during her cycle about her own sore chest.

On Sunday we went to my sister in laws for the holiday. At one point when my mother in law was standing in front of me turned in a hurry and caught me square in the chest with her elbow. My god I almost saw stars, the look on my face must have been quite amusing.

Lately I’ve noticed a huge decrease in strength as well, I’m simply no where near as strong as I was 2 yrs ago. This isn’t a bad thing beyond the fact that I tend to forget that when I try and do things. While I’ve never been built working in a machine shop had given me reasonably strong forearms and wrists. I’m even starting to notice that it’s harder to open a simple twist off beer bottle.

My sense of awareness still hasn’t changed much and I’m still trying to adjust to it. I’ve had instances where I’ve noted people looking at me or just get that "feeling" that everyone is staring. While it isn’t something I’m used too it apparently is something that is normal as both Dee and my friend Kristi keep pointing out to me. It is really tough unlearning core traits that you have had for 37-38 yrs such as this.

Saturday Dee and I were out on our Harleys going out to dinner when I noted something and asked her what she thought. I noticed more people giving us second looks and I remember asking her "what was up with that? " They are probably checking out the chick on the big bike she replied. It’s so funny how something as trivial as that can be such a nice thing.
I just have to keep reminding myself "baby steps" and hope my friends will keep slapping me until I fully get it.

Last Saturday morning we had a nice morning going for bagels and then looking for shoes. I got a few pairs of sandals and one pair I picked out was something Dee never thought I’d choose but she actually liked them. So much that she want’s to go back and look for some sandals for herself this Saturday. So our plans for Saturday are to go out for bagels and coffee, Dee goes for her laser appointment and then shoe shopping. Later in the day we will be meeting up with her parents to take the bikes for a dinner should the weather allow.

While her parents know about what I’m going through, I’m finding myself being really uncomfortable with this around them. I’m not exactly sure why but I can’t seem to beat it enough to fully allow them in and most of all allow myself to be comfortable enough to be "me" around them. This 2nd adolescence is for the birds sometimes .. LOL

Anyway, I guess that is enough for now even if it wasn’t quality content. OK maybe the boobage was somewhat educational ...


Jun 15, 2007

Lack of Compassion leaves its effects

I was born in the city of Lawrence Ma in 1965 at a time where issues such as GLBT were simply not discussed. To make things a bit more difficult I was born in the middle of a sexual revolution to parents who were just old enough to be a part of the generation where sexual issues were not discussed either.

Now before I state what I am about to please understand I love my grandparents dearly with all of my heart. I know that their prejudice were more a part of the way they were raised in a tougher time when this countries industrial revolution was just taking off and life was much different. They were a product of their childhood.

My mom did the best she could as a single parent could have she had no choice. She was 29 when I was born and my dad left for the West Coast when I was 2. He figured it was easier to run than to pay child support or take care of his offspring in a responsible manner. The fact is that in terms of gender issues he wouldn’t have been of much help because he wasn’t much good to himself.

So in 1967 my mom was left as a single parent to raise her son as best as she could. When all of this took place by the grace of god we were living on the 2nd floor of my grandmother and grandfathers two family so I was lucky enough to have my grandparents right there with us. While I was reasonably young when my grandfather would part this earth the memories he left me with are very precious to me and he would have a profound affect on me later in my life as I grew up.

When I was5 or 6 years old on a hot summer day my grandparents were sitting on the front porch soaking in the city heat. We had a screened in porch that I would often sleep outside on as though I was camping out in the wilderness soaking in the sounds of nature, as the cars would drive by on the street below. (Yes I’m being funny) I would try and listen to the crickets chirp or watch the lightning bugs light up the night.

I was the apple of my grandfathers eye, I was is second grandson and he made an effort to show me how much he loved me. He had a habit of teasing to show his love and I was no different, to this day I believe I inherited his sense of humor. It’s easy to speak fondly of him as my time with him was during my youngest years and not those of having to deal with the Gender Identity issues deeply. He surely would have been disappointed to know that his grandson thought he was the granddaughter instead.

The fact is that even in those early years I knew something about me was different and I now know my family knew it by the way I was raised. I was never the tough little boy that the others were and in every effort to make me what my mom thought I should be it was confusing for me growing up.

My family was laced with racist, bigots who were homophobic to the core and even with the gender issue for a time it was a trait that was handed to me as well, it was all I knew. I was brought up in a family who hated things or people that were different, it is something I am not proud of and it is something that kept me from begging for help for all of my adolescent life.
When I was young I was constantly drawn to my grandmother’s jewelry box, she had a set of stringed pearls that just seemed to catch my attention. I would often sneak them just to wear them and pretend to be a girl for just a little while. I remember how much I loved them.

At one point while I had them I remember my mom coming and I hid them under my sheets as to not get caught. I knew the way my family thought and I knew for sure that they would treat me as though I was doing something wrong. She never caught me with them to my surprise, I always seemed to be one step ahead of her in that respect, she simply couldn’t know how I felt because I knew a beating would surely follow. I guess it was a way of justifying dishonesty out of self-preservation.

After stuffing those pearls in my sheets I left my room not thinking my mom might change my sheets or go snooping, but not long after in a very hostile tone my mom beckoned for me to the living room. "Kevin" she snapped, "what were these doing in your room?" I remember being paralyzed with fear and the only answer I could muster was that I had them as a joke.
Out of a fear my mother saw through me that day and she had the opportunity to make things right and help me out with what would turn out to be a life of self-hatred. As I look back on it now I can hear the words I needed to hear but for whatever reason what I needed and her capacity for compassion simply weren’t in line with each other.

In nothing but a split second one sentence changed me forever and alienated me from my mom for the rest of my life. I still hear these words to this day as they echo in my head as fresh as the day they were said.

"Kevin, Are you a Queer?" she snipped.

I remember breaking out in tears and swearing I wasn’t and swearing that I took them as a joke. It’s a moment I’ve replayed in my mind constantly ever since it happened. I know I’m asking a lot to expect my mom to have been more compassionate but the fact is that it wasn’t something she was capable of, she herself lacked that in her family. That sentence was the division from the mother I was close too and the need to protect myself for years to come. Sadly a little compassion could have made the difference that I needed.

Years later my mom in a conversation with my wife had told her she didn’t know what happened to me but one day I became cold towards her and I’d changed. She even blamed it on my dad as though he had some influence in my life. Today I now that was the turning point in my life when it came to my mom, we were never the same again.

I walked away that day loathing people, I disliked homosexuals, minorities or anyone different, it seemed to be a way to protect myself and fit in so no one would truly know me. Years past in raising my own daughter a friend asked me one day how I’d feel if she turned out gay. It was something I’d really have to think over and I guess that to some degree it changed me a bit. They were right I wouldn’t love her any less. The personal lesson that I learned was that I didn’t have to hate others because of my fear that I would be ousted in the process. My hatred of others was a way to hide my true feelings and maybe make myself fit in with a more masculine attitude … It never worked ..

I regret finding fault with others for my own lack of self-esteem. It took finding myself to realize how badly I viewed everyone else for building a wall around me and it was all traced back to a moment of compassion between a mother and her child. I’ve raised my daughter to be accepting and compassionate to those who are different. I’m happy to say that it’s a lesson I am very proud to have taught because it breaks the cycle of hatred for generations to come. Hopefully my GID hasn’t done too much damage to her.

I guess my point here is to think carefully about how you approach things with your children. One small mistake can make a tremendous impact on their views for the rest of their lives.
I don’t talk to my mom anymore, in fact it has been 15 years since we split from each other. She now lives 15 minutes from my home and will be 71 next month. While I don’t miss her treatment of me at times, I do still love her even if from a distance. I won’t say in this blog what caused the division but I will say it was those golden words as a child that helped make the decision easy.

I certainly hope she is healthy and happy because her only daughter is finally starting to become happy and live her life the way it was meant to be …

If she could have only known the true me ….

My Horror Scope for friday ..Hmmm

It's sometimes difficult for you to accept change -- especially when it involves saying goodbye to something (or someone) who has brought joy to your life. But things change, and people move in new directions -- and you need to accept that. Besides, the transitions that are happening in your life right now are going to have very positive long-term results. While they won't all be easy to go through, they'll do wonders for your self-confidence

Jun 12, 2007

Sexual Changes

From the time I started this blog I had 3 goals in mind, purging, education and helping.

Purging ~ The more I write about my thoughts experiences and changes the easier it becomes for me to deal with it in an open and proud manner. It is a matter of self-therapy if you will.

Education ~ I guess this is self explanatory, the more people that talk about these issues the more the public becomes educated to the plight. Education is never a bad thing and the more that these issus are discussed the less sensationalized they become.

Helping ~ If there is ever a person in a search to find out why they feel the way they do or what they are going through my hope is that this blog will show then that they are not alone and that they are worthy of being true to themselves. I have had some negative days on my blog no doubt but the fact is, that is part of a process in learning about who I am and becoming more comfortable with the world around me .. they are simply experiences and not every one can be a good one. The bottom line is that if you feel like you are Trans ..You are not alone and you can live in peace..

With that said I have one disclaimer: This entry deals with a bit of sexuality and if you are uncomfortable with that please stop reading now. It is not my intent to be "graphic" in a shocking manner but it is in a manner to discuss something personal to all of us.

Over the last 25 years with my wife we have had some pretty deep discussions, it has been the single greatest part of our relationship as there is no boundaries to the things we share with each other. I have had many a night sitting in our hot tub under a starry sky with a glass of wine, bottle of beer or margarita discussing some very personal things. In some form it is in this connection I am happy to not only call her my wife but also my best friend.

Over the course of the years at intimate moments and some not so intimate I would always get into conversations about the differences in boy and girls. While Diane knew about how I felt, I only assume she understood the nature of these conversations. When I would delve into the whole boy vs girl world it was usually in a manner of either learning about what I felt I was missing out on or simply because of curiosity.

I remember one night under one of those starry skies after a very intimate moment of being lost enough in each other to ask her "What is it like for you?" with "like" meaning the whole sexual experience for those who may be as dense as I am at times. I remember her having a very hard time to really define it, but she did the best she could. I remember thinking that this was the closest feeling I would ever have to feeling somewhat normal by living through her words.

I’m not a gender girl and I’ve not had SRS as of yet so I can only guess at what the major difference is in the point of "no return" is like. It was funny when it actually hit me because when I experienced the difference it was an amazing change for me and I remember describing it to Dee and getting a smile and an affirmation that I hit the nail on the head.

Over the years of having sex or ultimately the sexual experiences I’ve shared with my love the one thing that always remained constant for me was the emotional side of things. Unlike most men who have a simply mechanical need to procreate, I have always had to get my head in the game for it to be satisfying.

Testosterone is a funny chemical, it most certainly in the cause of the sex drive for the male species. It’s what makes men not only think about sex but it is the sole reason why men are so visually stimulated. By nature men are bred specifically for this reason in this manner, it helps drive the species. Let’s face it guy’s do not need much to want to have sex.

This was always one of the most confusing aspects to how my mind worked. While I most certainly had the physical sex drive of a guy my mind didn’t work in the same manner. In order for sex to be a fulfilling activity for me there needed to be so much more attached to it and I needed to be in what I referred to as "the zone" I needed the emotional stimulation and the sensuality of it.

I never understood the biological drive the testosterone had until I finally had the needed estrogen in my system. I no longer had that physical urge that would drive me insane and in all honesty I don’t miss it. In fact all the things I’ve gained by not being controlled by the "need" are so much more in line with the way my brain worked. With the effects of the estrogen setting in, quite a few thing changed. With little or no testosterone the body stops producing sperm or any liquid for it to flow from. This change creates a much different sensation in climax.

It was in this that I finally got the answers I had asked Dee so long ago. In the male during orgasm as his body contracts and starts pushing the fluids down the shaft it creates a euphoric feeling that factors into the sensations. Men get a pulsing sensation from a combination of the tubes contracting and the movement of the fluid. This is actually a quite pleasing feeling and very much a large part of the male orgasm than I’d ever realized. Without the movement or need to push fluid the orgasm changes significantly.

Now one would think "Hey men get the added Bonus!", I honestly believe this isn’t necessarily true. When I compared how it felt for me now it seemed the sensation and emotion was quite the same as my wifes. In fact I really love the change. It has become a much more pronounced and steady feeling when it happens and it seems to last longer than before which in awesome. Another plus is that I don’t feel sleepy afterwards! LOL but now that is replaced with a sense of closeness and contentment, something I needed but wasn’t able to grasp..

Once I started putting the whole package together it started to become apparent that even in this arena these changes were really what I needed. It is much more in line with the emotional feeling I’ve always had or even needed to get myself in the mood, I wouldn’t change a thing that I’ve gained… maybe someday I’ll have the last piece of the puzzle Until then I’m happy with what I’ve gotten …


Another interesting day!

Yesterday was another one of those comical days that you just have to laugh at. To set up the scenario you have to know that Dee has been having issues with her fingers that we believe is a disease called Raynauds Syndrome. Raynauds can be a primary disorder or a secondary disorder. This simply means that an underlying disease could bring it on.

Generally what happens when the body gets cold in an effort to conserve heat to the major organs it starts constricting the capillaries in the extremities. If you were to see this happening it is actually quiet a bizarre sight as the blood is slowly pushed out of Diane’s fingers they turn a very pale shade of white from the lack of blood. Eventually they can go blue and as they return to normal red and they sting. Being out in the cold or something as simple as going in a cold grocery store can bring on these episodes.

Yesterday Dee had been referred to a Rheumatoid Arthritis specialist to get down to what might be causing it and whether it is primary or secondary. In the early phases of the appointment the Dr began asking her a long list of health questions which included which medications she had been taking. Diane in an effort to be thorough had made an attempt to list her meds in the notebook feature of her cell phone. Not a bad idea had she actually been wearing her glasses when she put them in there, then she would have seen the letters she was inputting.

The Doctor was a bit confused over which med was which as she is taking 3 separate Meds. 2 for other minor issues and a temporary one given by our primary Dr for the Raynauds .In an effort to make headway I started to interject what I knew of each med and even some of Diane’s medical history

Another question that was asked was if she had ever been pregnant to which the response was "I have a 22 year old daughter" which took the Dr by surprise as Diane has such a young looking face. As questions popped in and out Diane would answer and look to me if she couldn’t remember something and at one point the Dr finally stopped and asked me. "Excuse me, who are you?" "I’m her husband I replied" to which the Dr had a confused look on her face. "The 22 year old is mine she mentioned" I stated. Again a puzzled look as she tried to reason why we were raising a 22yr old together.

I guess you might as well slam my head into a brick wall because I’m so dense at times it never seems to hit me as to what’s actually happening. I had just come from my job wearing all boy clothes, a work uniform, my usual baseball hat so I never expected it. Knowing the insurance is through me and in my male name I simply make the assumption I will be read male especially when I think I am presenting in such a manner and at least 3 times give answers that should point to me being a boy … no go ..

It wasn’t until the Dr in a joking manner to my wife told Dee that "I’m going to have to give all the info to her" pointing at me that it totally hit me what was actually happening. She was confused because Dee husband is a GIRL!!! Duh!!

I have to admit I am never upset that it happens, in fact it makes my day and I could dance in circles because I’m finally getting what I should have had my entire life. My concern only comes in the way of information and my rights concerning my wife. My simple fear is that if something happened that I would be pushed out because they wouldn’t believe I was her husband. I guess I really need to start carrying that letter around……

I have another blog I will be posting but I am trying to figure out how to approach it as it gets a bit in depth with a personal subject…hopefully later today…

For now Enjoy your day .. I’m soaking mine in..


Jun 11, 2007

round and round

Seems like a never-ending loop sometimes. Monday morning to get to Friday, enjoy as much of your weekend as possible and get back to Monday to go to work again. I don’t know why but I’m extremely tired today yet I didn’t go to bed any later than normal. I certainly think it has a lot to do with the weather as it has been cloudy and rainy on and off for the last few days.

Saturday morning started out as planned, we got up, got ready and headed out to have bagels and coffee. The problem was that ½ the state of NH had the same idea and there was no way we could find somewhere to sit and enjoy bagels so we decided to form a back up plan. 1 block down next to the Harley dealer we frequent is a Friendly’s restaurant.

I should have realized this was a mistake, they have never really been known for their food as the are mainly and Ice Cream parlor. I don’t feel too bad though as the start of Bike week loaded the place with a bunch of bikers that didn’t know any better than me about their disappointing food. The place was packed and there was a wait to get in! This was when I remembered it was the start of bike week. To create further misery it was raining and there were several out of state bikers there trying to get dry and warm.

I have to admit I’ve become a bit spoiled because we live in the state that boasts the oldest bike rally in the country. It’s easy for Diane and I to hop on our bikes, drive for 45 minutes and be in the middle of the festivities. Not something easy enough for a lot of enthusiasts who ride in from all over the country, so if it rains I just don’t take my bike out of the garage they one the other hand, travel hundreds or thousands of miles to hotels that they have paid for.

After a lackluster breakfast our first stop was Off Broadway Shoe and the target was sandals. Diane helped find me some light sandals and we found her some new sneakers. The only issue I had was that I was hoping for flats and ended up with a slight heel. I’m still not 100% sold on these and I’m thinking or returning them. I really want a pair of comfortable and cute flats.
After shoe shopping we decided to stop at the Harley dealer to see what was going on. They were BBQ’in in the rain preparing for an onslaught of bikers. If you have never ridden and especially never ridden Harley’s you wouldn’t know about stuff like this. Generally Harley dealers will host free cookouts and such for road weary bikers heading to rally’s. It’s good for business as it is one of their busiest times and the state of NH usually swells to about 250,000 to 350,000 bikes during the course of the week.

While at Harley we looked at a few bikes as Diane has been contemplating selling her 883 and moving up to a newer 1200. We then went over to look at the clothing. Diane picked out a nice top for herself and I spied a nice tank that I liked. Generally I have no problem with a large so we grabbed a large and then Diane spotted a girls biker shirt she liked for me. It’s a bit of a salmon color and is a short sleeved top but it has one interesting feature. There is a mesh window in the cleavage area and she thought it would look cute. I honestly think the old saying payback is a bitch comes into play with this transition as I always encouraged Diane to wear sexy things. Now I’m on the receiving end and I have to admit it can be a bit embarrassing to be looked at like that. In all honesty I figured I couldn’t pull this top off.

With that said we decided to head home and do some things before heading out for dinner later and ultimately some more top shopping. Upon getting home and trying on my new tank I am sad to say it is way too small. Even being tagged a large it fits Diane and she doesn’t care for it. I guess it will have to go back in favor of an XL. The Salmon colored top was up next and when I turned to show Diane she looked like a guy who has just seen his first pair of tata's! Apparently I CAN pull off cleavage like that, who would have guessed …

For dinner we decided to go to one of Diane’s local favorites "The Common Man" and she got baked mac n cheese which she loves. The one disappointment was that her favorite dessert of all time is at this place "White Chocolate Mousse" and I’m sad to report it is no longer on their menu. I felt so heartbroken for Dee as it seems the whole meal leads up to 5 minutes of heaven for her … and now it’s gone. :o(

After dinner we decided to try Marshalls and TJ Maxx for tops. Marshalls had some really cute tops but nothing that made me want to jump at it. TJ Maxx on the other hand seemed to be the jackpot. I found 4 really cute tops and all 4 seem to fit me fairly well which is nice. The idea was that I wanted to get some tops that were bit nicer than just t-shirts and tanks that I’ve been wearing the most of. The 4 tops are dressy enough with jeans to look nice, a nice casual look. I’m slowly learning now that some of the stuff I would have shy away from will actually fit me now which is nice. All in all I really enjoyed my day with her, it was very relaxing and I’m hoping to spend more time like that with her.

The flip said has been that Dee was never a shopper, she simply hated it. It seems that she is enjoying it more now as she feverishly went through racks of tops looking for the right things with me … it’s so cute to see …

Sunday for the most part was a pretty uneventful day, the sun was out, we did an early breakfast and our grocery shopping. Later on in the day we re-colored our hair. I have to say that I’m not happy with this new color, it’s just way to dark for me …. Next time around I’m going lighter …

Jun 8, 2007

Busy weeks

I have to say it has been quite a busy week for me, something that hasn’t happened in a long time.

Tuesday ~

Tues was my first group session that I’ve ever attended and I have to admit I was very cautious about this whole thing. Any nerves I had subsided as the group was underway. I later told my counselor some of the concerns I had going into group that kept me from attending.
When you live your whole life a certain way and you suddenly confront something such as GID it can really change the way you view the world.

In my case my view went from a very negative, dark and uncaring world to one of bright color and a renewed faith in people. I’d often felt as though everyone was out for what they could get and not concerned for the well being of others. While this doesn’t mean that I think all people are entirely good now, I certainly have a much nicer outlook.

In a conversation with a friend the other day I had mentioned that I was looking forward to living a long time, something I had never thought before. I often told my wife when we were young that I wouldn’t live to see 30, but as life would dictate to me that wasn’t in my cards. Then it was basically marking the calendar off every year in hopes that god would take me before my next birthday. My friend was happy to hear that changed for me and even threatened to kick my but back from the afterlife should it ever happen. She’s just the girl who could do it too!!

How does all this relate to group?

When you finally see a New World open up and you start learning more positive things about yourself and the people around you it gives you a new appreciation. I absolutely look forward to seeing what each new day brings my way now. The problem comes from within because we deal with such a fragile core issue to our being.

Having GID and hiding it for so long makes us very vulnerable human beings when we admit who we truly are to the outside world. What happens is that you basically hand to most fragile part of your soul to the people you know and hope that they don’t do any damage to it.

Within group there are various degrees of people in transition and not all have the ultimate goal of completing the journey with surgery. In my case that determination hasn’t been made yet, I am just thankful for each "happy" day I now have and use that to walk the ladder on my journey. When you walk into group for the first time you are walking into the unknown even when you understand that the others are there for the same reasons on whatever level.

Because people are in various stages of transition you could see some very pretty transgender people to people who have a very long road ahead of them and even people who will probably never ever look normal enough to blend in. I am not a judgmental person by nature and walk with a fear that I may judge someone in a way I wouldn’t want to be considered. The fact is though when you walk in with a fragile heart it is the people you may see that have you scared of being there.

In my case and I guess in many others as I would later learn the fear is based in seeing ourselves in other people. My fear was that I would see people who I thought would never pass legitimately and I would see that in myself. (Just who do they think their fooling syndrome) When we have such a fragile core we are afraid of doing damage to that. When there are so many positive and uplifting changes in your life you are simply afraid you will lose them because of your fears…..

I’m happy to say I came away unscathed and later learned that it is a very common fear going into group.

I did my best to look nice and I shared that with a few close friends to get their opinions. I get the impression that I am on the right track. Tuesday night was certainly a major milestone for me and I thank anyone along the way who has encouraged and supported me.

Wed ~

Wed was more of the same on a different level because I had my normal counseling session. This can be a bit of a pain because the drive is a 45 minute one from my home to the counselor’s office. I generally get to do this once every 3 weeks which gives me just enough time to have new experiences, ideas and concerns to discuss. Having the back to back drive and sessions is a bit tiresome though because of what I have to go through to get there.
Get out of work, make dinner shower, get ready and drive for 45 minutes is all compressed into a window of 3-4 hours. It takes 20-30 minutes just to dry my hair because of the thickness alone. When I go to my counseling session I do my best to look nice as I feel this was the first steps in not only my own acceptance of the change but it slowly gets me comfortable with the whole coming out of my shell routine.

Wed night my counselor handed me a letter that I am able to keep with me at all times. It explains the changes to my appearance should anyone question my identification. The funny thing is that my counselor told me that as she was writing it she was having a hard time writing he and my mail name throughout it because of all the changes.

In essence the letter states that I am being treated for GID and that I am required by treatment to present as female as much as possible. It asks that anyone dealing with me give me the same respect they would any other person and if they had any questions regarding the letter to contact her.

It was quite strange getting the letter in a good way I guess. In some small way I think it signals the start of the last of the old me, and the new person who is emerging. In essence it is the first document I have of the change beyond my prescriptions. I guess it is just a matter of time before this becomes fulltime reality…

Thurs ~

Thursday saw me getting a minor laser session to the front of my face (ie upper lip, lower lip and a little bit of the jaw line). This is another signal that some of this phase is coming to an end and it is time to prepare for the next hurdles. It is certainly both scary and exciting all in one fell swoop …

When we got home last night I made homemade tomato soup and quesadilla’s for dinner. Cooking has always been one of my favorite things to do but it seems since I’ve started transition and HRT this particular activity seems to have so much more meaning to me. As dumb as that might sound, it is very soothing and fulfilling!!

So here we are rolling into the weekend and Sat is looking to be a nice day. Dee and I are planning on getting up early and going out for bagels and coffee followed by a bit of shopping. I am hoping to finally find some presentable sandals and some new tops …. At any rate any time with my love is good time …

Hope your weekend rocks …


Jun 5, 2007

Interesting weekends

I had several interesting days this weekend and I wanted to share one story in particular because in the grand scheme of transition it is actually really funny. As I’ve posted before I’m not completely out yet but I am well on my way, there are still a few people needing to be let into the loop as well as my head needs to be on straight and prepared.

One of the things that seems to throw me is how I’m being viewed in everyday life. The reason this plays with my head is that not knowing how I’m being viewed really restricts how and what I am able to say at any given time until I know for sure … that Sir may be a sting but at least I know which ground I’m playing on .


My wife not only attends a local Curves for women but she works there part time to offsett the costs of her membership, a form of bartering if you will. At this particular Curves she is known to be married and no one knows of my plight yet.

Saturday morning I got up early and went for an oil change on my car. I like to be there for when they open so I have a relatively short wait …most people aren’t thinking of oil change at 6:30 am on a Saturday now are they.. It works out well because Diane works at Curves every other Sat and I can take advantage of that free time to get it done as she is usually there from 7-10 am.

After getting my oil change I hit our local butcher and headed home to figure out what the next thing I wanted to do with my morning would be, After taking care of the dogs I got the idea to take my Harley out, gas it up and maybe stop by and see Dee as she had less than an hour to go.

When I got there there were two people finishing their workouts before she could leave and one was actually just walking out the door. Because they need to be monitored Diane asked me to come inside and talk to her. As the woman that was working out was finishing a conversation about different things ensued and she was talking about camping and how her and her hubby Pat had just bought a new trailer.

During our conversation I gleefully referred to my wife and I as we, us etc and finally this woman stopped me. She didn’t want to be rude or nosey but she asked ..oh are you two a couple. My response was as Dee’s husband ..Yes, we actually have a 22 yr old daughter together.

Without missing a beat she responded with ..oh that’s awesome, I wasn’t totally sure if you were together. When I refer to my hubby Pat it is really Patricia but I’m not out at work yet ..and suddenly she seemed so much more relaxed around us.

I have to admit I was floored as usual after all, they only know me as Kev there and I’d never expected to be taken as a lesbian couple within the confines of Curves. My how things have changed. I’m not only flattered but we have another great story and laugh from a new experience…


Jun 2, 2007

Bar Harbor pix

Harbor Seals Sunning

Light house that houses researchers, there are 8 of these on various coastal islands from the early to mid 1800s

Finback Whale preparing for a deep dive

Sunrise from our hotel room

Bar Barbor from the ship

The Margaret Todd Schooner (Dee helped lift the sails)

Gull near my room

View from our hotel room balcony