Apr 3, 2007

Cha cha cha changes!

Things are a bit quiet today and I’m a bot bored. For those who are unaware of my background, I work in a model shop as a cad/cam model maker or a glorified machinist in layman terms! Occasionally I get jobs that take a very long time to machine so once it is set up and running there isn’t much to do beyond monitoring the machine and listening for dulling tools. This can make for a very long day at times and again for me that always means time to think.

The state of my mind has been really good lately, probably better than it has ever been. Thoughts are 100% clearer and not as testosterone driven as it used to be so I guess the estrogen has been a good thing. I often tease Diane that I’m going to stop the "E" and she always threatens me telling me she’ll find a way to get it into my food, apparently she doesn’t miss the old mood swings either.

This past week I had blood tests done to check my hormone levels, cholesterol, liver functions and my overall general health. Everything checked out great and I’m happy to say my estrogen levels are in the proper "female" range.

This is the first time in my life I’ve taken care of my health to this degree. Generally the old me would only end up in the doctors office when I was extremely ill or hurt. Most guys avoid the doctor like the plague, it seems to be a male trait, and guys act like it is beneath them almost as though it is a sign of weakness. Basically you can liken it to the old "I don’t need help I’m fine"

I was no different but I had different reasons for not wanting to go. Those reasons were always based around the GID and my fears that my doctor would figure it out. It would take me forever to go when I was sick based solely on fear. One time several years ago I developed a bad case of bronchitis that had that very hollow cough associated with it. For some time Diane would plead with me to go to the doctor and all I would tell her was "I’ll be fine" it took me well over a month and severe pain in my back before I finally gave in and went..

I’m happy to say I think those days are over now and my health is the most important thing to me personally.

The estrogen has had a profound affect on my emotions and thought process, it is so amazing to experience the changes first hand. The difference from testosterone and estrogen play such a basic role it is hard to understand without fully experiencing it. For instance the old joke that guys think with 2 heads and not necessarily the one on their shoulders, that isn’t far from being the truth.

For the most part the testosterone plays a huge impact on the male sexual desire or the perceived "need" for sex. Women often refer to guys as negatively because of their sexual appetite and to some degree they are right. Sexual desire and thought are a consistent presence through their entire day. I believe the statistics were several times every few minutes that males thought about sex. I’m sorry to say there is a huge biological basis to that now being on the other end of the hormone :o) It is very testosterone driven ladies!

So I guess that means it is beyond their control to some degree they are just programmed that way. This is a big reason of why sex is so visual and physical for men and more emotional and connected for women. While it is nice to be connected it isn’t as a big a deal for women, most need the emotional connection first.

I’m happy to say I don’t miss the days of that thought process because it was chaotic and felt very foreign to me or very out of control and it simply wasn’t me. I’ve always needed an emotional connection and the testosterone would really make that confusing for me.

Another huge change has been what I call testosterone rages. These rages were very emotional that would explode into a physical sense. For instance if someone were to approach me and say something about me in a negative way my state of being would go from 0-100 in a second or so. I’d be ready for a fight over the most trivial of things. This was from a combination of the testosterone and a lot of built up anger over feeling trapped in my own hell and not understanding why or what I could do about it.

Now I can honestly say those days of hot seated anger are long gone and it’s for the best, I’m sure I was well on my way to a heart attack from the stress of it on my body. When things now impact me in a negative way it has become much easier to decipher the issue and deal with it sensibly instead of flying off in a fit. At times it would leave me feeling like an animal trapped in a cage with no way out and the cage was closing in.

The ability to show emotion has gone through the roof and this was something that I had but was numbed to some degree before. The ability to cry has increased substantially over a wider range of issues. I can now have a more compassionate view of people and life and embrace it a lot more than before.

The physical changes have been awesome as well so far and I love every new thing I notice. My skin has softened significantly and even Diane has moments of amazement over the difference. Every so often she will touch me and feel a soft patch of skin and become entranced by it, I even think she has gotten jealous over it :o)

The hair on my body has decreased by 80% and what’s left now if very fine and soft. The hair that was previously on my belly and chest was very coarse and annoyed me to no avail, it would literally dictate my mood in a negative way by making me feel dirty, almost in an OCD type of feeling. It needed to be gone!! Before I started I had a reasonably hairy back and it was always something that even Diane hated and she would usually shave it for me.

My face has softened considerably now and with the lack of dark hair looks a bit younger. I guess there is something positive that most people would love, The ability to turn back time. One weird thing I wasn’t aware would happen that is very different is the appearance of very fine soft hairs on my facial skin and mainly on my forehead. It isn’t very noticeable unless you look against the skin in the light.

The texture of my hair has actually gotten smoother and silkier than before. My hair hasn’t been like this since before puberty set in. As I had gotten older the texture of my hair had gotten coarser and coarser. Something I would have never associated with testosterone. I’ve always been lucky in the sense of having very thick hair and not losing much if any of it to balding. The crazy part was that if you saw how much hair I lost daily you would wonder why I wasn’t balding. I am now getting fine hairs in places I didn’t have before like the nape of my neck and along the corners of my forehead.

And I’m sad to say the one negative affect that estrogen has ladies is on the nails. My nails have become much more brittle and pliable then they used to be. I generally used to keep the nails on my right hang a bit longer for guitar playing and they had always been thick and hard, those days are gone. Funny how one of the things that women show pride in are their nails and men actually have the proper chemical to grow them, I guess it is a bit ironic if not simply unfair.
Body odor or scent has apparently changes as well. It is more noticeable to Diane than to me but at times there are aspects of it I do note. It’s definitely a much sweeter pleasant odor than it used to be. My seat used to take on a slightly musky odor before. At any rate it is a change Diane seems to enjoy!!

My body fat is slowly getting redistributed although I guess you could say it isn’t fast enough for me. I’ve never EVER had a bum. It is starting to get a bit rounder and I guess that could be a bit of a blessing because for once in my life my pants don’t just sag in the back!

I’ve lost some of my muscle mass and I have noticed it simply in every day life just trying to do the same things I used to. It is funny now when I pick something up and my memory tells me it was easy to do but my arms say no way!

My ribcage has gotten a bit smaller as well. I don’t expect huge changes there, especially at my age but it seems like there have certainly been some. My ribcage has gone from 36" down to 34.5" I assume this is due to the reduction in muscle mass. This was something I honestly didn’t expect but I don’t mind one bit.

Lastly and yes the more personal one, yes my boobs are getting bigger, the current measurement puts me at about a "B" cup. As one might say I guess payback is a bitch because I used to tease Diane (In a loving way) about hers. There is some irony in this as boobs were simply never a big deal to me in the girls I dated. So now this obviously gives some explanation as to why the change in clothes is do simply because they will fit me better.

Well this was certainly a long-winded blog wasn’t it? I never expected to go on and on but sometime it is just good for the soul and if anything it could be educational for someone. All I can say is that I’ve loved every change and hopefully will continue to be as happy as I’ve been over the last year..

On a side note I’ve added a few links to some friends blogs. Thoughts from a kitten and Cobwebs from the attic are our friends Todd and Kristi and have been so good to me through all my changes and such that I wanted to include them here, i couldn't ask for better friends.

Please check their blogs out as well …

I’m out

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