Apr 30, 2007

Ups and Downs

Ever had a weekend of constant ups and downs? If there were ever a weekend like that I’d guess that this was the one.

Friday ~ I ordered a new cell phone last week as my contract was up. Diane had renewed her portion of the contract last month and in doing so has gotten herself an LG VX9900 Env. Those are the phones that open up and have a full keyboard in them. We had decided on these as Diane and I tend to do a ton of text messaging over the course of the day. If you use that feature you can surely understand the pain of typing with just the numbers.

Friday when I got home from work the plan was to eat in and have a quiet evening. I guess you could say that WAS the plan but during the course of the day Fedex tried to deliver my phone and wouldn’t ya know it it was signature required. This meant I either wait till Monday or drive to the airport 20 minutes away and go get it… no biggie we can pick it up.

Diane and I decided to hit Applebee’s for dinner and then head to the airport. The dinner at Applebee’s wasn’t bad, I got my usual salad and Diane got a turkey sandwich. At one point the waitress used the label "Ladies" which I hadn’t heard apparently Diane did though. As we were dining I noticed someone on the opposite side of the restaurant who appeared to be my old drummer and best man from my wedding. As we dined I kept trying to figure out if it was him, it surely looked exactly like him, the mannerisms were the same. It finally got the best of Dee and she went on reconnaissance. …. NOPE not him .. But hey I never figured Rick would have a twin …

Friday night I made it a point to watch 20/20 as the whole show was dedicated to transgender children. After watching the show I have to admit that Barbara Walters did a tremendous job on this show and show an incredible amount of compassion on the subject. Watching the show definitely brought back a lot of memories from when I was a child. These children were so adamant from a very young age that they were the wrong physical gender. I only wish I had that tolerance and understanding in my home when I was younger and then maybe I could have understood just WHY I felt wronged.

When I was young I certainly knew there was something different. I knew I had a strong attraction to girls things and felt out of place hanging with the boys at times. I was never a rough and tumble boy when I was young. I learned to toughen up with experience to survive. These children will simply learn how to survive being themselves… Good for compassionate parenting.

The 20/20 message board had its share of bible bumpers and judgemental people but there were as many or more compassionate people there. It's nice to see society realizing that we are people that are just trying to correct ourselves and live. The sad thing is the people ripping the parent telling them they are perverted or need help for allowing their children to do this. We still have big strides to make...

Sat morning had me awake by 6 am so I figured I would sign on the Internet get my mail, check the weather and get ready to go out around 8. The idea was for Diane and I to go out for bagels and coffee and go shoe shopping and whatever else we thought of. When I flipped my pc on I knew there was something wrong right away, needless to say without getting into heavy detail my pc is TRASHED!

We got ready headed out to Panera and had a nice relaxing breakfast. After Panera we took our short walk over to Off Broadway shoes. With summer coming the idea was to figure out what type of sandals I can now get away with wearing. When we got to the front door we realized they were …..CLOSED!

Diane didn’t feel like hanging around so we decided to head over to the mall and look at pc’s at best buy. As we entered the mall and headed down towards the store I noticed a familiar face approaching. It was a very old friend of ours and we stopped to chat. This conversation would affect me profoundly afterwards.

Our friend is a local police officer who works in narcotics undercover. He was always a very quiet but nice guy. He was also a very macho male and very stern in his views. The reason this affected me in such a negative way was because I suddenly had flashes of bumping into old friends in my new role.

Diane knew I was a bit off, she saw it in my face and when she asked why I simply said, I think it is time to stop. It scared me to think I could come into contact with an old friend and then how I would have to explain myself to them. It is nuts to dictate my own well being to what old friends might think …but there it was staring me in the face. It will be a huge wall to climb.

Diane always makes it a point to explain how the changes are good ones, god knows she sees them. I don’t know that it does a lot of good because it has to come from my own heart and mind. It is still nice to hear how she views it and generally proves that I'm better off on this path.

Friday night we decided to go to a local diner for dinner. Neither one of us felt like cooking From the time we sat down till the time we left the waitress had us identified as ladies. Still the same old ball cap and jeans, no makeup and black, girls T-shirt. It really blows my mind every time but I can honestly say it is starting to become easier and definitely puts a smile on my face.

Sunday was our usual hit to the local breakfast diner and off to grocery shop. Not much to report there just a stress free time. After that it was off to circuit city to look at pcs. I settled on buying one at circuit city but I would have to come back to pick it up. So off to a local store to look for summer tops we trekked. We didn’t find much but we had a nice relaxing time. After that we stopped for a drink and back to circuit city we went.

Diane decided she needed to use their bathroom and I went over to get my pc. As I walked back over to wait for her I bent over to place the box and the floor. As I did this a large gentleman that was being helped by a sales associate motioned to me and asked. Would you like me to get you a cart for that Maam?

I must have looked like a freight train was bearing down on me!! I replied with a simple no thank you and proceeded to wait for Diane. As she approached I told her in a very low voice get me out of here. When we got outside I explained what happened and as usual she thought it was great. I think she was even laughing. I explained hearing it from guys is going to be a big adjustment for me. I know I’ll get over it, but it takes time. At least things are starting to happen more and more. It sometimes makes me feel bad for the people who will never pass without surgery.

After getting home, setting up the pc and getting things going last night I deiced to try my compact flash cards in it as it has a built in reader. It wouldn’t read the cards and now the light that tells you the card is stuck on . I assumed a reboot might clear the light and proceeded to do that…it wouldn’t reboot!


So now here I am at work. Out several hundreds of dollars and no working PC to show for it. I wasn’t planning on going out tonight but it seems like I’ll need to head back to the store with the PC ..

Tomorrow night is group, I think it is time to take the steps and get my ass out with people to get comfortable with myself in a public role. It isn’t an easy thing to do. Not long ago my friend Annah decided to try sky diving. In her lessons leading up the to first jump the instructor asked her "Are you scared at all?" Annah just told him she wasn’t but she later admitted to me that she was more scared stepping out in her female clothing for the first time than she was jumping out of a plane …

I guess that puts transition into perspective doesn’t it?


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