Apr 24, 2007

Tuesday's thoughts ..

It’s an absolutely beautiful day outside again today. Yesterday saw temperatures in the mid 80’s which I believe broke a record for a high. Today is forecast to be a bit cooler as it should be in the mid 70’s and sunny.

Last night after dinner Dee and I went for a walk with the dogs to enjoy the air and get the dogs some exercise. The road across from ours where we tend to walk curves up a hill that we used to take my daughter on many years ago. Now nature has been forever altered into a new neighborhood of some pretty nice homes.

As we climbed the hill there was a warm wind blowing that was so much like it is in the middle of August here that it was hard to believe it is only April. It seems the seasons here have changed significantly from when I was a kid. Spring has seemed to fade away and now we jump from winter directly into summer. The gradual buildup has totally disappeared over the last few years.

My state of mind has been a bit off recently which I tend to go through with this whole experience on occasion. I guess I get to feeling like I’ve not made any substantial progress in a while and it forces me to rethink everything I’m doing. I guess I shouldn’t worry because it has to be a natural progression at whatever rate I can tolerate. I guess that sometimes I feel like daily living is stuck in some kind of twilight zone where I can’t move forward like I need and I can’t go back.

I know this feeling will pass and I’ll eventually conquer any concerns or fears I have. My counselor has been trying to get me to go to group so I can see others who are going through the same thing. I understand the reasoning but it does bother me a bit to feel like I’m using someone else’s struggle to validate how much easier I have it even if I don’t see it yet.
Not long ago Dee asked me about my fears of getting more involved with the group and why I’ve been so hesitant. She seems to think it is the next logical step to get me into a daily comfort zone in public. I got on the computer and called up a local "Trans" group and showed her the pictures as I think they say it all.

She had a hard time look at the pictures for long. Not because they disgusted her or anything but because they showed people who were trying way too hard to be female. One of the reasons I’d always kept to myself with this was because I didn’t want to be involved with the sexual aspect or shady of it, that simply scared the bejesus out of me.

She keeps trying to reassure me that I don’t look like the people she saw, that I look more natural and I’ve done things in a measured natural way. I still have a hard time grasping that and I end up feeling badly because I think she that doesn’t think I trust her judgement, I do immensely. It’s tough after living a certain way for so long and not fear you are still projecting that old person or you wonder how people are viewing you.

I guess I’ll get there, I just need to learn to be patient with life…. It’s such a new experience.


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