Apr 26, 2007

What happened to summer?????

Seems like the shortest summer on record. Last weekend it was close to 90 degrees and balmy, today we awoke to temps in the mid 30’s. Tough to imagine the temperature can be so drastically different in a matter of hours or days but hey, it’s New England.

We awoke to a thick fog this am because of the change in temperature and the moisture in the air. One of the most beautiful sites I get to see is a stream not far from my home. The stream always looks so serene when it is like this because you can literally see the mist rising off the water causing that thick white haze that encompasses the air above it. I have pictures of that stream stashed in that very state of being, I should post them one of these days.

Last night was my usual every 3rd week counseling session. It has gotten to the point that I have to make sure to look presentable when going, as this is the first step in getting my ass out in public to live life. So I got out of work yesterday, made dinner, hopped in the shower and got ready. It’s so bizarre to me because I still personally have a hard time seeing the physical changes for myself.

Diane as well as Anne (Counselor) made it a point to tell me not only how good I look but how natural I look. I know they are telling me the truth but that small part of me holds on to the insecurity that others simply won’t see that. This part of the change has probably been the single hardest part of the journey ~ "Self Identity"

Coming out and explaining what was going on with me to family and friends certainly was and is a major hurdle but for some reason this one seems to be the bigger mountain to climb. I had explained to Anne that my head had been in a bit of a funk as of late. It’s such a weird state of being because I feel like I am suspended in an immovable state of being.

When I first started out trying to figure out who I am and what I should be doing, the first part of the ground work that was laid out was the notion that I would move slowly in a measured way. I naturally figured that if I was wrong in this or I simply couldn’t handle it that I would just sneak back into being Kevin and go about my life.

As I’ve gotten this far into the changes I now realize that I simply can’t or don’t want to go backwards. So, it leaves me stuck because it has been so hard to move forward from this point and the bridge back seems to be too eroded to pass back. I started to realize this as I started being assigned female by people who saw me without even trying very hard or at all. It just seemed to happen. This could only stand out to me as physically being unable to be Kev any longer, people just don’t seem to see it that easily unless they already know me.

Emotionally there is no way I would ever want to go back to the old me. While there are aspects of my personality I’ve held onto too there’s a lot of negative that I’m happy is gone. Let’s face it, as crazy as times are for me , I really am on the path I needed to be on. Hopefully in the near future I can make this final leap and have faith that the people who are guiding me are telling me how it really is and not what I need to hear….

I'm not complaining by any means, I'm much happier now than ever. My thoughts are much more precise and cohesive than they have been in years. It's most certainly the right thing for me, hopefully I will continue to find the strength not only in myself, but the people who care about me ..


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