May 10, 2007

Back in the saddle

Well the weather seems set and the morning temperature was 60 degrees, certainly warm enough for a motorcycle ride to work. Diane took the time to go register the motorcycles this week as she has been dying for a ride and the weird part was that I’ve simply had no interest in my bike this year.

I have a nice 100th Anniversary Harley Davidson Softail that I simply had no desire to ride. I was getting to the point of actually feeling guilty about is as I know how much Dee loves to ride. I had even gotten to the point of mentioning selling it and the look on her face was almost devastation;

Generally when a husband tries to explain to his wife that he has G.I.D or even that (Gawd I hate this phrase) He is a "woman trapt in a mans body" she has a major anger reaction to the news. Who can blame her as a myriad of possible mistakes start entering her brain not only wondering whether the marriage or love was a sham but what happens now.

In my case that look and anger never came, she simply continued to love me and understood the depth of my love for her, something to this day I am very thankful for, after all she is the love of my life. It has been this quality that has made me fall deeper in love with her than ever, something I wouldn’t have guessed possible.

When I told her that I was considering selling the Harley that look popped onto her face! The look as though I had just told her I had always felt wrong about myself and I hated everything about my shell. It that sickening look that you get when you feel like you just disappointed your closest friend.

Well I must say the ride into work this morning was a nice one, I’d forgotten the smells that you experience being on the motorcycle. It funny how mechanical my drive into work was starting to become again hopping in the mustang and driving down the interstate all the way to work. It was becoming such a sterile drive and something that driving back roads simply doesn’t have.
Well I’m not back to the enthusiasm that I once had but I certainly had a nice ride in, hopefully there will be many more days like this and they only get better. Maybe I won’t sell it after all.

On another level I have to admit this past week I simply haven’t been myself. I am at a very tough crossroads with the warmer weather approaching and my body constantly changing. I’ve been very down for several days, something I’ve not discussed with anyone other than the fact that Diane can see it. We talk about what’s going on and she gives me her input, if I could only have the confidence in life she seems to have for me.

I told her in an email this am I am really feeling stuck in the mud, I can’t move forward and I certainly can’t move backward. To go back to the old me most certainly sentence me to a lot of inner conflict and most of all a death sentence. I keep reasoning with myself that I could go back now and simply not live with the anger and have quality in my life, I know that I am simply telling myself a lie in the bigger picture. The fact is that while I am happy to have made progress and purged myself of a lot of the negative me, I am having a very hard time making the next steps because I am used to some of the security of the old me.

The old me was a very confident person in the way I moved through my day. I knew that I could grasp and handle almost any situation thrown at me easily. I understood that for whatever reason people seemed drawn to me and liked me, even in my asshole moments. The sad part of it was it was a shell. Some of it was me and some of it was covered by my lie.
I know need to learn to take the next steps and I’m very afraid to do that because the estrogen strips you of that male numbness you once had and you suddenly become very vulnerable to the world around you. Another blog recently described of it as a feeling as though everyone is actually laughing at you even though it probably isn’t true.

In my case the next leap I have to take is to change my clothing over and start working on my voice a bit .I don’t know why I am so fearful of changing clothes other than to say I’m afraid people are going to notice me and judge me. It’s almost as though I will get that who does he think he’s fooling look from people.

Most of the time when we go out now I get noticed as female, even with my voice as it is which is crazy to me. It seems to be at a point where I am having more trouble being recognized as male now. So in that sense I simply don’t understand why I have such a paralyzing fear of simply living my life for what it is and making the jump.

I sat in tears last night over this and Diane had that helpless look on her face again. She gets torn between telling me I’ll do fine and getting upset that I can’t seem to take what she says at face value and trust her. I hate these down times because it really screws with my head and makes me reconsider abandoning the road I’m on.

I know that isn’t a good decision or even possible now… Hopefully I’ll figure things out


No comments: