Well here I sit in the wee hours of Sunday morning, 1:30 am to be exact and I simply cannot seem to sleep. Today was a nice day as the temperature got close to 70 and now is hovering around 50 degree, there is a lone peeper singing in the distance trying to get some action. It's been a bit of a crazy weekend already and I can start explaining it by saying that i just finished drinking a warm v-8 juice.
Nooo I don't normally drink warm juice, in fact I prefer my drinks to be rather cool but my refrigerator died yesterday morning so it isn't as though I have much of a choice. After the repair man finally showed up yesterday Dee and I trekked out in search of a new fridge (Ouch) $1200 with Sunday delivery) We hit a local appliance store that I had heard was reasonably priced so I was hoping to make things as easy as possible (Chya right) Diane was pretty set in what she wanted this time around, no water, no ice but a bottom drawer freezer and she promptly found an Amana (21 sq foot) she wanted.
It was tagged at $1049 and it couldn't be delivered until Friday (Oh yay 1 week of no food in the house!) We decided to take the info down and head down the road to the sear essentials store as I had noticed they were having an appliance sale. Funny enough they had some pretty competitive prices on their refrigerators and even had the model we looked at. In a weird twist the item was mismarked from a previous sale that had ended on May 5th and because it was tagged that way he had to honor the price.
Not bad when it broke down it was mismarked at $1219 and it had an additional 10% off because of the sale which brought it down to $1097. What turned out to work in our favor was that this was the next size up at 25 cubic feet instead if 21 like the other and they could deliver it Sunday!!
All in all we spent about 1/2 hour 45 minutes setting up the buy with the guy and the whole time I naturally assumed he had me pegged as male. I wore all male clothing, my usual ball cap and my attitude I thought reflected male as I didn't want to get that "here comes another sucker attitude or helpless female who can be taken advantage of.
After we has discussed it and paid for it as he handed us the receipt he said "Thank you ladies have a nice day" and I gave Diane the old WTF look. I guess I need to get over the hill and just let it finally sink in that I am there now. I still cant fathom why as I've done nothing to alter the depth or resonance to my voice yet it happens time and time again ... until a clerk sir'ed me today!! LOL
As we were walking around sears looking at some other appliances I noted the salesman following us around the store and it kind of stuck me as a bit funny, I didn't understand why he was so talkative. As we were leaving the store it finally clicked with me!! I looked at Diane with that innocent puzzled look and asked "Was he just flirting with us?" Yep, she replied, get used to it!! (Guess he likes lesbians!! LOL)
Definitely not something I am used too and probably never will be used to as I am simply not attracted to men. As I've been made aware so many times before it certainly becomes a possibility being on the hormones as they chemically alter your brain function, but I'll use the old hypnotist theory that if you don't want too you simply cannot be hypnotized!!
So here I sit, warm V-8 in hand clacking away on a keyboard in a resting house.
With Mothers day upon us it always lends too reflection of days gone by and this year is no different. As the coming sunrise approaches it is safe to surmise my daughter has blown off my wife for Mothers day yet again. It is safe to assume this as my wife got a txt message on her phone tonight letting her know my daughter sent a card yesterday as though she needed credit for it before it ever showed up!!
As of today since she left our home she has blown off both our birthdays, anniversary, Christmas etc with absolutely no intention of making time to see either of us, so I see today as being no different. It s beyond me how this young lady can expect us to give and give yet not be there for us in the process. Not long ago I was told that she needed us to be there for her daughter when she is born. I simply cannot grasp why she acts as though we owe her but she never shows us that she even cares. It's truly time to just give up on her and live my life the way I needed to 22 years ago when Diane was pregnant.
Recently on a long walk I finally broke down and explained to Dee that i had figured out what some of the tension was between Jessica and I over the years. It was actually quite simple to figure out, i just needed to be in a clearer state of mind to be objective.
When Diane became pregnant in 1984 her mother (for good reason) had been less than enthusiastic. She hated me and wanted more for her daughter (Who could blame her). A 19 yr old musician with long hair didn't appear to be the responsible choice as a parent and certainly not at 20 as I was when Jess was actually born. What i did have going for me was a broken childhood. My own mother had been less than I needed during my growing years and my dad as non existent, all I represented to him was missing money from his SS check.
Diane's mom had successfully lobbied Diane into putting the baby up for adoption and this was all done without any regard to my parental rights. While I was young I was determined to be there for my child so she could grow up , with her family and hopefully her mom and dad loving her, something I missed as a child. By Feb of 1985 Diane and i were living together and it wasn't until the day of the birth that I finally convinced her to keep her and be a family, off went on our storybook life together.
Growing up I had several dreams and aspirations with the biggest one being me in a successful band. I knew I had enough talent, determination and most of all I loved the attention it brought. Surrounding myself with that type of environment helped me in two ways.
1) It gave me little time to think about my GID issues as I was focused on music constantly.
2) Let's face it 80's metal was severely androgynous, something that in a small way feeds into the whole GID issue like a junkie looking for his next fix.
Once my daughter was born those priorities realized or not shifted as a new life needed not only my attention but my support. This meant my needs and dreams would need to take a back seat to my daughters, no small task.
When you try to suppress things it is nothing more than a giant pressure cooker, it is bound to blow at some point and do severe damage to whomever is in contact. I know now this pressure played into my family life to some degree as they were very dark years for me and the more Jess pushed into teen life the darker those days became.
Let's face it, teenagers suck! They know it all, they expect it all and most of all they demand it without reciprocation. Jess was no different she was a typical teenage girl in those respects. She was an extremely intelligent kid who would flunk out school because she simply didn't feel like doing it. She expected to have whatever she wanted given to her and not work for any of it, something very typical of her generation that I dubbed the cellphone generation. Everything she hadn't gotten she resented us for.
there were quite a few times I was bewildered by her attitude, the time she asked for $700 to fly to Paris with her french class, one of many classes she was failing that year. Simple teen anger because she couldn't go.
A few years ago she decided to ask me "If WE sold the house how much would we get" or the time she told me I had no right buying an expensive car to make myself happy! (she was 18 at the time)
There was the time when Jess was 13 where my wife had gone through a severe medical issue and it was a very real possibility she had cervical cancer. This had been proceeded by several surgeries tests and rides into Dana Farber cancer center in Boston. After explaining to Jess that her mother needed her support more than ever. I asked her not to fight with her mom, be rude and help her out as she needed to be able to fight whatever it was that was wrong. Jess made her life a living hell during that period. She got worse and it was during this time the pressure had finally gotten me to the point of saying what I regret to this day.
In a fit of anger, frustration and a lapse of good parental judgement I snapped and told my daughter that she was making it hard for me to not feel like I made the wrong decision when she was born.
I know it was wrong at the time, it was cruel, it was most certainly the worst stab in the heart I could have given her but looking back on it today I now understand WHY I said it.
I've spent my life of not being selfish and always putting others ahead of my own well being, it is something that seems to be a product of G.I.D, we are simply known as people pleasers. It's how we learn in our gender roles to gain acceptance and love from others. It's a way to mask who we are deep in our core.
It was tough to see it all at the times it all happened, I simply couldn't be objective, but during that walk with Diane that day it finally all made sense to me. To some degree I resented my daughter.
Every nasty look, every hurtful word, every failing grade and every selfish thing she had done was resented by me because I wasn't able to be selfish myself. I wasn't able to chase my dreams, I wasn't able to get my head on straight and deal with my GID, I wasn't able to be .... "myself" because someone else depended on me being something to them. I looked back over my life in the courses of those tough times and simply thought that I gave whatever I could only to be treated so badly then why wasn't I just selfish when I was 19/20 ... RESENT
I have apologised profusely to her for that day, it was weakness on my part. I know we all go through it and none of us are ever perfect but as a parent it is those bad lapses in judgement that seem to get seared into our memories. I can't live for those days any longer I can only live for today.
Looking back over the years I know that I was a good parent, I loved my daughter with all my heart. I never missed a school play or function, I provided as best as I could and I enjoyed her growing years when she acted like the little girl who really cared. I was there for everything even when there were times that my own well being was at stake. I'm not a bad parent, I'm just human...
These days I am learning to be slightly selfish, I know I need to be for my own well being as it comes with the territory of GID. It means things like taking me time when needed even if other issues arise. Being me instead of the facade people are expecting to see. Not giving too much of myself when I don't have it to give. Learning to not care if people dislike me for not being in a social box. Not feeling bad for liking things my brain tells me I should be able to enjoy when others might have very strict gender lines. It's my job now to take care of me so that can be that for a very long time...
I hold out a small glimmer of hope that she'll do the right thing this mothers day simply because we were never selfish with her when we needed to be it for ourselves. I am hoping she'll understand that sacrifice someday and it will suddenly make more sense and she'll be there for mothers day or other major days