May 15, 2007

Still Waiting and Newsweek

Well as with anything in life we all have our crosses to bear and our steps to take to become better at life. Yesterday one of those steps for me was emailing my sister in law and finally letting her know what was going on with me. It was one of the harder ones I’ve had to do because both Dee and I are incredibly attached to our nieces. It’s been one of the things that has been the hardest to deal with internally simply because I didn’t want to do anything that would hurt them.

It is kind of crazy when you think about it, isn’t it? Putting the well being of someone else’s children over my own in my life decisions. I know I beat things to death and I’ve even compromised my transition for fear of alienating my sister in law and her family, and people call us selfish for doing what we are doing.

I know I shouldn’t worry either way but I do. Sandra seems to be very dominant within the family and I could see her not agreeing with this and not being there for her sister, she rarely ever has in any crisis. Needless to say I am on the edge of my seat and just want to know either way, so far after 24 hours of waiting I’ve only been ignored.

In case you haven’t seen it Newsweek’s cover and several stories inside are tackling the transgender issue now. It seems to becoming more and more prevalent in the news lately. Yesterday in a conversation with my coworker I likened it to buying a new car and suddenly seeing it everywhere you go. There were some really interesting points within the article but there was one specific paragraph I wanted to touch on.

"So what's different in transgender people? Scientists don't know for certain. Though their hormone levels seem to be the same as non-trans levels, some scientists speculate that their brains react differently to the hormones, just as men's differ from women's."

Knowing what I do today which is based directly from not only my experience but also other people dealing with this is that this statement is very true. My brain function seems to have stabilized on an emotional level from being on the estrogen. My old way of dealing with things and processing information as well as emotions was very chaotic for me with a testosterone soaked brain. This was probably one of the most unexpected changes for me.

Annah Moore on her website likened it to putting the wrong fuel in your car where the car will run, albeit very poorly. Put the right fuel in and the car will suddenly run smoothly. Going from the testosterone to the estrogen has most certainly been like that for me and this is why that paragraph makes so much sense. I am a firm believer after experiencing this that my brain and testosterone are a volatile mixture.

The article is quite interesting and informative to read, unfortunately the comment section on this subject has brought out the bible loving crowd. I certainly don’t look down my nose at anyone that believes in god or has some kind of faith in a higher power. It does bother me when those people feel their Christian rights supersede my right to live in peace and continue to be a responsible citizen, or if they want to make me feel like less than a human being. It's most certainly people like this that made me so afraid to get help and feel like I was better off in a grave somewhere.

Don't get me wrong, there are truly people out there who are decent Christians who may not like what they deem as the "Sin" but they don't make you feel like you should be dead, they simply love you for who you are with your flaws. That's what the human experience is all about.

I've often read from Hard line Christians that "God simply doesn't make mistakes" and I honestly agree with them I don't believe that he/she does. I've always believed in the theory that he doesn't give you more than you can handle. So maybe gods plan for me is to follow this path I am on and maybe help others like me, or even teach one person some tolerance.

I simply cannot accept that God hates me for the way I was born, if he does then he simply isn't my god because my god is only about love

If you would like to read the article it is here


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