May 19, 2007

Blue weekends

As I sit here a rain is coming down outside my french doors and a pitter pattering on the deck, bouncing like the oil in a frying pan. Most times the rain is a very soothing sound for me, it's the sound of mother nature creating the cycle of life.

I'd been very down this week and have tried my best to get out of it but I am sad to say it almost feels impossible. Diane is out right now working at curves and then stopping to get her nails done and I have the TV in the background. I click furiously against my keyboard trying desperately to get my negative emotions to purge from my soul without success.

Today is the Jack and Jill baby shower for my daughter. Sadly the whole family is invited and going and Dee and I are not allowed to be a part of the events. Some days it is tough to just try and be myself without the extra baggage, but to me this latest act of cruelty has done a number on my will to go on.

Monday I confided in my wife that had she not been in my life it would have been my last day on this god forsaken planet. It's tough to admit it, but the pain my daughter and her boyfriend have imposed on me is that bad. I've been hurt from various family members through my life, mostly my mom and dad with my mom being the worst, and I never thought I could hurt as much as I do right now. My mom once made the statemtent that she hated my guts, it tore me up inside and I carried that for a long time. Today I am certain this pain feels a lot worse.

I guess I am tired of feeling I'm only loved by what I can offer over who I am. When I get like this I start feeling as though I am not here to make myself happy, but only provide happiness to others, I am truly a broken soul.

Last night Dee and I went and bought a bunch of baby clothes, a blanket and some various gifts. Kind of a strange feeling to keep giving knowing that we aren't allowed to be a part of things.

This morning I sat and typed out a letter to my daughter to go with the gifts. On the side of the gift bag is her first pair of sneakers from when she was a baby. So in closing I want to share my letter to her here.


~Walking in new shoes~

The shoes that are hanging on the side of this bag are one of your first sets that you had; you had a set of shoes and a set of sneakers. These shoes represent to us the new steps you took in your life when you were a baby 22 years ago. From the moment we set our eyes on you in the hospital we were in love and proud to be your parents.

Every step along that path brought new experiences, joys and pains to our lives, but most of all it gave our life a new meaning. We were proud at every new step like any parent would be, your first steps, your first words, first new foods, first haircut, your first day of school.

All those steps enriched our lives and showed us what having a child did to change your perception of the world around you, you suddenly aren't living for yourself, you are living because someone that you love depends on you. Most of all you do it because you feel like this is what you were meant to do.

I'd be lying if we made it sound like our lives together were all full of joy and happiness. Like any family we have had our share of ups and downs, but the one constant that remains is that we have never stopped loving the daughter that we met that morning in the hospital.

Jessica, you have been our biggest joy in life and our biggest pain as well, it is part of being a parent. We want so much for our children, to be happy, healthy and most of all have a much easier life than we did ourselves. When we started out we struggled from nothing to build a life, home and be a family, we were successful at doing that. I hope that after our torch has been handed to you that those lessons have taught you to be successful for your family.

So here on the eve of the newest steps in your life we hand you the torch (These shoes). These shoes represent our hope that your daughter will bring you as much joy as you brought us, as she makes her first steps in life

In closing please remember this advice.

As a parent there are no manuals, you will second guess every decision you make. Some days you are triumphant and some days you feel like you fail miserably. At the end of each one of those triumphs and failures you need to remember the love that got you to those decisions as that is what gives you the strength to get to tomorrows decisions.

May your daughter bless you with a rich life as you blessed us with

Forever loved from

Mom and Dad

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